Dear Alex: Day 104, the last
I've spoken to you directly about how I've felt for the past three months, so it comes as no surprise to hear that I'm not happy here. I've learned this summer that Disney is not the place for me, so I have decided to terminate my program. This is something I've thought about very seriously since July, and I came to the decision for a number of reasons.
For one, I've been uncomfortable with my housing situation since my second week here. I live in a two-bedroom apartment with 5 other roommates. I already hate crowds, so the number of people alone was enough to make me claustrophobic. Then, of course, came the point at which everyone started treating me like I don't exist. They would all go out places without bothering to ask if I wanted to go, they would talk loudly while I was trying to enjoy some quiet time, and I was the only one who would do the dishes right away. Things only got worse as time went on, so I ignored everyone. I isolated myself and stayed out of everyone's way. Lately things have reached their worst, where the two girls sharing a room with me would give me dirty looks whenever I came home and wake me up every night by talking in the room while I was trying to sleep. I've never been forced to live with such inconsiderate people, nor been made to feel like such an outcast. It's like middle school all over again.
The only real thing keeping me going was work, since I absolutely loved my job as a performer. But a couple weeks ago, the realization came crashing down that between the sheer stupidity and lack of appreciation from the guests, and the total disconnect between myself and the rest of my "team," I felt no joy anymore. I was absolutely miserable, at home and at work. And I had nobody to talk to who I could trust or who I knew really cared about how I felt. I had become invisible and unwanted.
The only person who makes me feel anything is Alex, who was over a hundred miles away. Being away from him was a terrible struggle for both of us, and I was caught between feeling obligated to continue my program and wanting to go back to him. I realized that the struggle wasn't worth it anymore.
And recently, the thing that has pushed it over the edge for me was the fact that the pain from my recent neck/back injury is resurging. It had completely disappeared for about a week, then one day I started feeling soreness in my spine again. Now vertebrae in my neck and mid-back hurt to the touch, just as they did at the onset of my injury. My body is falling apart, and I constantly feel exhausted and sick. I feel certain that if I were to continue, I would seriously, possibly permanently, injure myself. It's not worth it to keep going while my physical well-being is at risk in this way. I need to fully recover (and not just be relegated to greeting, where I still spend eight hour days on my feet and in pain) before I can even consider working for the mouse again.
Self-terming is remarkably easy. It takes months of processing, truckloads of paperwork, and hours upon hours of standing in lines at check-in and casting to get into the program, but only about two minutes at the service center to get out. I've never quit a job in my life, and I wouldn't do so without a very good reason. This program is not what I need right now. And from the way I've been treated, I can tell nobody here will miss me.
Dear Alex, plans are in place. My dad is going to help me with the long drive to Connecticut, where you and I will move into our new apartment in Stafford Springs. It'll be quiet and scenic, and we'll get to enjoy all the charms of New England autumn. On Monday, I have an interview set up so I can join you back at Six Flags, where we have a tight shows family. We won't have to feel alone anymore.
