shadows of a man || self-thread
WHO: Morgan Weston, to Eva Anderson and Noah Puckerman
WHERE: Morgan's ranch
WHEN: The 17th of November
WHY: Morgan returns to LA and has two important voice notes to send
TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of death
SONG INSPIRATION: Barry Manilow - Mandy
Morgan sat alone on his front porch, the scent of hay and leather filling the cool California evening. The ride back from Montana felt like it had lasted a lifetime. His granddad’s last moments, so achingly peaceful, had left Morgan reeling. He’d had his breakdown in the barn, where his grandmother had comforted him, but the drive home, he could only hear one thing that she'd told him, before his granddad had passed away. 'Sometimes lettin’ go is the kindest thing you can do for someone else.' Now, his heart felt raw, stripped bare by grief and regret.
In his hand, his phone weighed heavy, like a truth he hadn’t yet dared to tell. This place, his ranch, had always been a haven, a place of peace. But now it felt lonely, a quiet space where every shadow seemed to whisper of memories - of times he’d shared with Eva and Puck, of the laughter, of the silent moments, of his mistakes. He knew he had to let them go. Not because he wanted to, but because he finally understood it was the right thing to do. And he wanted to do it right, for once.
Morgan took a shaky breath as he started the first recording. His voice, raw and unsteady, broke through the quiet.
“Noah... hey. It’s Morgan.” He stopped, struggling to find the words. “I don’t-... I don’t even know where to start, except that I’m so, so sorry. I let you down in ways I can’t take back. I kept tellin’ myself that I was protectin’ you, but the truth is, I was protectin’ myself - from my own damn cowardice. I kept holdin’ onto you, makin’ you believe I was ready to give you my whole heart when I was still just... tryin' to figure out what kinda man I should be. And you deserved more than what I was givin’ you.”
His throat tightened, but he pushed forward. “I've just returned from Montana after a week of havin' been there, and-err... I got your letter, man, it arrived. I don't know what's in it, but I'll read it tonight. But I, um...well, I lost my granddad, but, err-...it was also a good opportunity to speak to my grandmother, who put things into perspective for me.” Clenching his jaw, he knew he had to continue, so he kept pressing down on the record button.
“Noah, you brought so much light into my life. And I was too blind and stubborn to see it the way I should’ve. You deserved honesty, and instead, I hurt you by not tellin’ you how lost I was, by things I thought had and hadn't been said, and then, God, I went and made it worse. It kills me to know that I caused you that pain. I’m so sorry. If I could take back even a fraction of the hurt I caused, I would. You mean-..." His voice was shaking on the other end, his eyes stinging, but he swallowed and pushed through. "You meant everything to me. You made me feel whole for the first time in my life. But I’m learnin’ that love isn’t about holdin’ on when you know you’re not what they need. I get it now. When you love someone you have to let them go. So, I’m lettin’ you go, Noah. I hope you find the happiness I couldn’t give you. You deserve more than what I can ever give you. But I’ll always, always love you for the amazingly kind and sympathetic man you are, I know that much, deep in my heart. Your smile, your warmth, your ability to be calm in stressful situations- I love everything about you. And that's on me, for not cherishing that. You will find someone who will. Goodbye, Noah.”
The recording ended, but the ache stayed sharp and relentless in his chest as he stared down at the phone. He knew there was one more message he needed to send. One more person he had to be honest with.
Morgan opened a new recording, his voice even shakier this time.
“Eva, hey. It’s me. This might be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but-... I can’t keep this all in anymore. I owe you the truth, after every damn lie I told myself, and every time I held onto you without sayin’ what I really felt.”
He drew in a deep, trembling breath, feeling the weight of each word.
“I thought maybe if I just held on tight enough, things would magically make sense. That I’d wake up one day and know exactly what I wanted, that you’d still be there, that you’d forgive me for makin’ you wait. But that ain’t fair, is it? You deserved to know how much you meant to me, how much I-... how much I love you, Eva. Instead, I tried to show you through big gestures, and screaming it from the top of my lungs, but it didn't do anythin' else, other than prove how big of an idiot I am, for not treasuring you when I did have you.”
A quiet tear slipped down his cheek, and he let it fall.
“I should've told you how I felt, between you and I. You're not the type of person who likes these things, you're private and so am I. And I should've been brave enough to do that, just the two of us. Instead, I also went and acted like a damn fool, and played with your heart. And then, as if that wasn't enough, I just held on while you waited, makin’ you feel small, makin’ you feel like a backup. I went and did what I did. It was about me, tryin’ to figure out what I wanted, but the truth is, I knew what I wanted the moment I met you at that mixer event. I wanted you. But I was confused and my communication should've been clearer, and I’m so, so sorry. I know it’s too little, too late, but I need you to know I would take it all back if I could. I’d never make you feel that kind of hurt again.”
He paused, his voice barely a whisper as he continued.
“I just wanted to let you know that I've just been to Montana for a week. My grandma gave me some good advice. And I realized that you deserve someone who loves you as much as I do, but who doesn't break your heart, at all. So I’m lettin’ you go now, Eva. I know that I ain't the only person who sees you for the amazin', infuriating, wonderful woman you are, and if I could back in time, and show you it from the moment I met you, I would. But I can't. I can only show you how much I truly love you, by lettin' you go. I love you more than I know how to say, but you'll find someone who will.”
He exhaled slowly, letting go of everything he’d kept inside.
“Goodbye, Eva.”
As he hit send, Morgan’s heart felt like it was breaking all over again. He’d given them the freedom to find happiness without him holding them back. And while it left him with an emptiness he wasn’t sure he’d ever fill, he knew it was the right thing. For Eva. For Noah. And for himself.