Oh, the things fanfiction make you do.
I saw a gif of Harry and Liam (or was it Louis?) being all cuddly and adorable, so I twiddled around the interwebs looking for some choice One Direction fanfics.
Then there I was reading about Zayn playing with Harry's hair (oh his hair) while thrusting deep into him. Senses a-tingling, I thought of you.
And then there I was leaving you a cutesy message on Facebook, thinking you'd be offline. You'd be asleep, for sure. It was 2 am, after all, and you had classes in the morning.
But you weren't. You replied immediately. Hey, wassup, the message read.
So original. You always know how to make an engaging opening.
Then followed a conversation that went exactly the same way all our previous conversations go. I try to make like an Amy Sherman-Palladino character and attempt to be quirky-cute as I describe how stressed I am with studying for the upcoming Boards. You straight-up say you're fine. No, nothing's new with you. Yes, classes are going the way classes go. I try to keep up my act, hoping against the odds that you have some little poet tucked inside of you who would just jump out and give me some semblance of an interesting flirtation. Tell me a funny anecdote about your naive med student classmates! Link me to an interesting article about those boson thingies! Damn, I'd even take a moronic tweet from Anne Curtis. Just make this conversation interesting!
I don't know why I even try. I've known for a long time you weren't the most intellectually beguiling of boys. You're cute, sure, but honey, this is the internet. My Tumblr draft folders is full of pretty boys. I need smart. Witty. Neil Patrick Harris.
I don't know why I even try.
Oh, of course I do. That damn fanfic.
Come over, you suddenly say.
Wow. This is new. But it's late, I countered.
You persist. You say it's safe. That you would pick me up. That you would gladly give me a massage. After all, I've been incredibly stressed, you say.
I don't know what's happening. All I wanted was a flirty convo into which I could throw all my sexual frustrations and now you're inviting me to come over. At 2 am. What is happening?
I immediately text Carms and Nico. (Thank God everyone's up studying! Med school, you weird freak show.) That's a booty call, they unanimously announce.
Again, I don't know what's happening. I've never had a booty call before. I admit I'm a little flattered. Maybe intrigued? I kinda feel a bit cheap. But overall, I feel totally confused, bewildered and out of it. I always had a witty retort at the ready, but now - zilch. I had no fucking idea what to do.
In the end, the little pussy that I am said no.
I guess as brazen (and okay, maybe a little slutty) as I am on my little private message pop-up, I don't think I can ever translate that to real life.
I'm a dweeb. I can never say the things I want without the benefit of going through it then clicking send. And what if we ever do come to that, and I find myself inadequate. What if you find me inadequate?
A goddamn virgin who can't drive.
You persist with the invite. Damn, you're a man on a mission.
I reply with even more coy brush-offs. The sisters at my old Benedictine grade school would be proud.
Before long, you tire of finagling me into coming over. We end the conversation with a pleasant 'maybe next time.'
What if there won't be a next time?
And why am I even stressing about this? It was a booty call.
I want a relationship, I tell myself. Not a goddamn one-night stand with a guy who can't even make me laugh, even with the power of Google at his disposal.
What you're offering is not enough. If you never talk to me again, it wouldn't matter. You're not who I'm looking for.
I go back to my fanfic. Zayn and Harry are now cuddling. Zayn is now talking about how much Harry makes him smile. I read three more fanfiction that night. Harry with Louis. Louis with Zayn. And then everyone one little Niall.
Before I turn off my laptop to go to sleep, I leave you with a private message. Ask me again tomorrow, I say.