#seminar2

[khadgis]

call me tammy two-tries

Today I'm working at the gallery helping this year's thesis students set up for their show. there isn't a lot going on, so I have a lot of time to think about my own thesis and how it would fit into a similar show in a similar space. As I've said, my main goal for my thesis is to express my negativity so that a) I can remove it from my system in a healthy way, and b) so that others can understand what is so hard for me to express. I started with the story of The False Hermit using metaphor and fable as tools to communicate my fears and feelings, but the more I developed the story, the further it got away from me, and the more I realized it needed to be about me. I know I often hide behind other ideas or characters, to avoid having to spend time thinking about myself. I make artwork that is deliberately very much not about me, but I am realizing that expressing myself is becoming less of a distant curiosity and more of a desperate necessity. I've never really known who I am as a person or what I want to say. I dont think I have any kind of "aesthetic", and I know I don't have anything nice to say. I'm not shy, I'm just perpetually irritated! And I know that's not something people want to hear about, so I keep it to myself. But for my thesis, I'm going to be selfish. I am desperate for people to understand who I am and what I hear and feel. Depression, anxiety and OCD to me are as physical as they are emotional or mental. It's debilitating, crushing, and impossible to describe. So for my thesis I won't be hiding behind a mask, I'm going to throw myself and my real feelings into my work, even if I am afraid. This way it will be virtually impossible for me to be disappointed in my work (though I will still probably find a way).

[khadgis]

My ultimate goal is to convey the verbally indescribable feelings associated with my own experiences with depression, anxiety and self harm.

That’s it.

I’ve tried doing this in a lot of ways. I could show people through photography or performance but I was absolutely terrified of putting myself on display. I’ve tried drawing and illustration, but regardless of my drawing skills, the pictures I make don’t make the viewer feel what I feel, and are therefore ineffective. I could build a website, video game, or mobile application, but as soon as you start coding, you’re confining yourself to rules and organization. Putting something behind a screen is the same thing as putting up a barrier between the user and the experience - which I explored at Clarkson. And the experience is what is most important to me overall. I want to make viewer uncomfortable. I want to upset people. I want people to feel what I feel as a means of communication because I am desperate for someone to understand me, and desperate to get this negativity out of my system.

Through all this struggle, I have determined that in my own work, the medium is not the message. The medium serves the message. I am quick to adhere myself to a medium or skill without thinking how I could effectively apply it to my own work. In doing so, my work often appears to be a study of something else and is wholly non-personal. I’ve spent my entire life learning “valuable” skills but have never taken time to think about myself, or even be myself. Here is my chance.

This is not to say that I reject the idea that “the medium is the message,” only that in the development stage of my thesis, it is more helpful for me to think of the message first. I am sure that as the thesis itself is created, the medium will absolutely enforce the message and become the piece itself.

So while I would love to be a professional illustrator, and I would love to develop huge, in-depth video games, I find both of these areas ultimately unsatisfying because creating either of these things alone do not allow me to effectively express myself. These are not a source of release, but a source of more frustration.

[khadgis]

some basic colors and forms??? hairstyle tbd. I can never render past this point which is pretty pathetic. I’ve been trying for about 2 hrs to no avail. meanwhile I am taking robotics and other classes that keep me from doing things that actually matter. I’ve been waiting my whole life to be an illustrator and I still don’t have the skills or time or support. i wish i could paint smarter, not harder. I’m beyond frustrated~ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[khadgis]

Triple Goddesses and Old Folks

I’m returning to the story of The Alchemist that I started brainstorming over winter break. It’s meaningful to me, and lately I’ve developed some plot devices and symbols to keep it moving. It’s a story about fearing loss and learning to let go. Hopefully I will have a rough understanding of the whole journey from start to finish before studio visits next week.

Speaking of studio visits, I have 1 of 3 confirmed. Each of the faculty members I contacted focus on animation, and either narrative or illustration, which are definitely the driving forces of the concept, and the areas I need most help with.

[khadgis]

More Thinking

I’m trying to narrow down my thesis ideas so that I can spend more time on my interests and expressing my true self, and less time doing “maintenance” through coding and the like. I’m inspired by Federico Solmi, whose exhibition we went to see in Practicum last semester. He essentially makes videos that exist as paintings on a wall. The content is also a little unsettling (and in my opinion, hilarious.). 

Originally, I wanted to build a virtual world that would house my own digital paintings, but now I am thinking about presenting the paintings as objects themselves. I’m also exploring the idea of The Virtual Window, a book that was recommended to me a while ago, but I haven’t started reading yet.

All that remains is thinking about how I can make this interactive. I don’t just want to throw interactivity into a piece because I am required to - it should only be there if the piece itself requires interactivity. I’d like to focus on the image, content, and image making process. Maybe I’d like to think of my paintings and illustrations as art objects. Everything else is a distraction. Would it make sense to shift into Digital Imaging? I know they also have to take a 3-D modeling class which would be really great. I get that this a drastic thing to do, but I’m just trying to keep my options open so I make the best decision possible.

[khadgis]

katie, 22, brooklyn ny

Thesis inspiration and reference material

Click through this link to view images I have collected related to my thesis. 

These images are located on a different blog because I have been collecting material through Tumblr for various projects for several years. It’s much easier to start with stuff I’ve already found than to start from nothing. Future inspiration posts will also be posted here, to keep everything consistent, so keep checking the tag to see what new stuff there is.

Note: There are A LOT of posts and images! Some of them are more powerful to me than others, so I will probably refine the tag again in the near future.

[khadgis]

Response to Zach Lieberman’s guest lecture and critique session (02/03/16)

I find Zach Lieberman’s work to be very generous - he is always making work for someone else, and his work is to make someone else feel better. It was nice to hear he does make small sketches for himself, but still the bulk of his work is not for himself. Of course, this makes sense when you have to make a living. Being the internally frustrated grad student I am, I can say that the driving force behind my thesis is quite the opposite. I am making it all about me. I want to upset the user so that maybe they can understand how I often feel. It sounds juvenile when I type it out, but I’ve never really expressed myself before, and the encouraging environment here is really helping me to know and accept myself as a person.

Although our ultimate goals are fairly different, I think we share similar motivations. His discussion about “poetry not hardware” really resonated with me. He expressed something I haven’t really been able to put into words. I don’t want to make something just to say that I did or just because someone told me. I want to make work that is me. Again, I’ve never been expressive, but I am learning how, and it is quite liberating. I hope this is the beginning of a new, inspired period for me.

Now I just have to make work - I have to stop thinking and reading and writing and actually make something! I also need to push myself to be more social with people outside of school who are pursuing similar interests. Thankfully, I have a direction now - I just have to do it.

[khadgis]

Feeling pretty alright about thesising

I can define my skills in two categories: Things I like to do and Things I am good at. I derive short-term satisfaction from completing things I am already good at, like programming, math, and problem solving, simply because I can complete them and I can complete them correctly. These are also things I can get a job in and live off of, so there is comfort in that. But at the end of the day, I am miserable! It’s just not my method of expression and I am generally very, very unhappy. 

So what do I like to do? What does make me happy? The only thing I’ve ever really, genuinely wanted to do is illustration. I love creating worlds, characters, themes, moods, and stories. It’s like daydreaming. But I have little to no training in these areas, and it’s hard enough to make a living off of illustration as it is. I’m also worried about pressure from my parents - that’s always there. But ultimately, I think I have more than enough skills to do grunt work for a day job in web design or the like. Grad school is meant to be all about me and my interests, even more so than in undergrad. I just have to let myself explore and enjoy my work! Even if I do not improve at my own expectations, I know it will not be for a lack of trying. I just have to push myself to keep my prioritize the things that are really important to me. I can’t do everything, and I shouldn’t, and I’m not going to, even though I often feel obligated to do so.

I hope I won’t have to make any more introspective existential crisis posts, and that the posts I make can focus more on things I have actually created.