Little situation at Sephora today: I go in, specifically because I haven’t been able to get my hands on some Shape Tape from Ulta because there’s apparently a “manufacturer issue,” and I refuse to order it online because...shipping..adding credit card info to yet another website...roommates will know what I’m spending money on... wanting to touch things before I buy them.
Herein is my last will and testament of what happened as I browsed the Tarte section while wearing sweatpants and sporting 3-day-old natural curly hair, without a stitch of makeup on my face.
Sephora lady: (pops out of a drawer from a display case of lip shellacs or glosses, whatever you wanna’ call them) CAN I HELP YOU FIND ANYTHING???!!!
I jump because...I.did.not.see.her.coming. I don’t dare look her in the face. One, because I think her gaze will burn my eyes out from the shame of her perfect eyeliner and my lack of a cut crease and hooded eyelids, and two, because she stands a foot taller than me and it would take too much time anyways to make eye contact.
Me: Uh yeah, I’m looking for Shape Tape, please.
Sephora lady: Oh, that’s only exclusive to Ulta, unfortunately we don’t carry it here....(undoubtedly calls me the dumbest piece of shit she’s laid eyes on today)
Panic sets in...how did I let this happen, how could I have NOT known they didn’t carry it, I’m going to go die now as the lady from Game of Thrones rings her bell and shouts “Shame” at me, only I’m not naked, I’m wearing a Crossfit sweatshirt and I haven’t even done Crossfit for like...two years now...
Me: But they never haaaaave it, I whine to the matte faced lady-woman in heels. (Internally I degrade myself for not knowing said fact that Sephora didn’t carry Shape Tape, somehow in my hours of watching YouTube tutorials I never got the message...but Sephora has Glam Glow and Ulta doesn’t...and Ulta doesn’t have Beauty Blenders either and Sephora does...wait a minute, this is horse shit, I’m never leaving my house again, screw it...ORDER ALLL THE THINGS ONLINE!!!)
I shake my fists in frustration at the tall woman.
Sephora lady: Oh I’m sorry, let me know if you need help finding anything else (you idiot slug)...she then low crawls on the floor in the other direction to an elegant lady in her 70′s who needs to learn about the benefit of Retinol.
I then proceed to impulsively grab a few items off the shelves to prove my worth to these strangers in black dresses with red stripes, and I walk out spending $150 good old American Dollars to prove my worth to these wolves. All I wanted was a concealer that wouldn’t crease in my 32-year-old wrinkle lines.
Also, I quit my eight dollar an hour job today. I think this is what they meant when they said “beauty is pain.” In my fucking ass it is.