Mortified
Finished Thread: James Potter & Lily Evans
Lily's Dorm - 18 September, 1977
The first thing James realized when he woke up was that he still had his glasses on. The second thing he realized was the steady throbbing in his head. The third was that he was sprawled out in the common room, not his bedroom.
He groaned as he tried to sit up and looked at the clock hanging above the mantle. The numbers were swimming a little bit because of his headache, but he could tell it was so much earlier than he was usually awake. Thank you, hangover. Falling back asleep wasn’t an option, though, so he got up and sort of waddled to the kitchen, trying his best not to let his movement aggravate his headache. He started coffee and put water on for Lily’s tea before realizing he couldn’t remember if Lily was here or not.
So he sort of waddled to her room and knocked on the door as loudly as his pounding head could bear. “Lil?” He grunted. “Makin’ tea.”
Lily thanked the alcohol she had consumed the night before for the fact that she had slept at all. Had she not had something, it was unlikely she would have been able to turn her mind off enough to fall asleep. As it was, she didn’t sleep well or for a long time. Usually, once she was up, she made her way into the kitchen to make coffee for Sirius and tea for herself. It would be hours before coffee for James was needed.
That was her first thought upon waking up before the headache and the humiliation kicked in. James was out there, she remembered, along with all the details surrounding why. Instead of getting out of bed, she pulled a pillow over her head with a groan. She was an idiot. What had she been thinking! What had he been thinking? She knew he was a bit of a lightweight but to fall asleep while they were - it was mid kiss!
She was horrified at the memory all over again, and decided she would spend the rest of the day curled up in bed pretending she didn’t exist. When she heard the knock on the door, heard James call in, she almost groaned again. “No,” she answered simply, her voice sharp as it sailed through the door.
He didn’t have the necessary brain power to process her answer. “No?” He repeated back, but the tone was clear as day. She was pissed, and he couldn’t even remember what he’d done to make her that way. It couldn’t be good, though—
Wait a second. He’d serenaded her at the party. There was no way she could be mad about that. Although, he distinctly recalled congratulating “Frankie bear” on becoming Minister of Magic directly after the performance, so there was no telling what he’d actually said to her after that.
With a grimace, he tried to open her door. When he found it locked, he grabbed his wand and managed to open it with a simple spell. She must have been upset; otherwise, she would have used something more complex. “Lil, whatever I did, I’m sorry,” he told her as he stepped in.
After she answered she full well expected him to disappear, to hear nothing else and to not have to deal with him again today. What she did not expect was not only for him to not go away, but for him to let himself into her room. “What do you thi-”
His apology cut her off, or - more accurately - the words just before it did. Whatever I did. Did he not even remember? Another wave of that stomach curdling embarrassment rushed over her and she didn’t even try not to groan this time as she pulled her blankets up over her head. “You didn’t do anything,” she called to him through the protective cover of cotton and down. “I just don’t want any tea. Go away.”
“Lilllyyyy,” he groaned, using her full name for the first time since he’d come back to school. He was almost a hundred percent sure that he wasn’t allowed to do this, but he moved and sat down on the edge of her bed. “Come on. I am so sorry. I’m an absolute idiot and I know I don’t deserve you, but please forgive me?”
He sat down on her bed and she could have crawled into the center of the earth never to be seen again. Why did he have to push this? It was bad enough it had happened but now she was supposed to recount it for him? “I told you, you didn’t do anything,” she insisted, more unwilling to relive the memory than she was to take him to task for it. He was drunk, after all. She should have known better. “Can’t I just be hungover?” she asked, voice still muffled by the blankets she hid under. “Aren’t you? Shouldn’t you be hiding under blankets somewhere yourself?” Couldn’t he simply have the decency to let her rot in her humiliation in peace?
He sighed at her stubbornness. Hadn’t she learned by now that he was just as stubborn as she? “I did do something,” he told her. “And yes, I am absolutely hungover. Bordering on either passing out or throwing up, in fact, and I doubt you want me to do either on your bed. So please just tell me so we can both move on with our lives.”
He wasn’t going away and that infuriated her. It didn’t surprise her, not in the slightest, but it did irritate her to no end. This was James, though. He’d persisted more with less encouragement and their growing friendship - or her growing fondness for him - only seemed to fuel his stubbornness. She didn’t answer right away, she stayed hidden beneath the blankets all but grinding her teeth at being stuck in this position. “You fell asleep,” she said finally in a voice so small she wasn’t sure he could hear it. She certainly hoped he could, though, because she wouldn’t be saying it again.
“Yeah, on the couch,” he answered automatically, because that was an absolute fact. But why was she—oh dear Merlin, no. His eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open before he froze completely. They’d been snogging. He’d had his hand on her breast for crying out loud, and he’d fallen asleep?! How was he supposed to make that better?
“I-I…Lil…” What had he done?! “I’m such a wanker,” he groaned and fell face down onto the bed next to her. “I am SO sorry. I’m such a lightweight and I get really tired when I get drunk—it’s like having a sugar crash. That was just terrible timing; it had nothing to do with you. You’re brilliant, you know. At snogging, and everything.” Somehow, that didn’t sound like the compliment he wanted it to.
She waited for him to realize exactly what she meant and when he did, her face scrunched up at the memory and she was glad, again, that he couldn’t see her where she was hiding under the blankets. “It’s not a big deal,” she assured him, her voice sounding more like a whine than she had intended it to. But it wasn’t a big deal. It shouldn’t have been, anyway. They’d been drunk, he said it himself, he was a lightweight.
But still she couldn’t make herself stop cringing at the memory. The idea that she hadn’t been enough to hold his attention, even if he was drunk. She knew she was making a bigger deal out of it than it was but she couldn’t help it. That night had meant more to her than she wanted to admit and she was scared it hadn’t to him. That he’d just been drunk. “I’m just being stupid,” she continued. “Just - I’ll be fine. It’s fine.”
James couldn’t believe what an absolute prat he’d been. He should have known better than to start snogging her when he was drunk and less than at his best, anyway, but to have fallen asleep on her? Oh, dear Merlin, what if she thought it was indicative of how he behaved during sex?!
Her words brought him back to the actual problem at hand, though, and he frowned over at the lump of blankets she was hidden under. “Hey, you are not being stupid,” he asserted, his voice quieter and much less hysterical than he was actually feeling. “Even if I wasn’t fully cognitive last night, I want you to know how much it meant to me.” He rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. “I mean, to think there was ever a chance of me being allowed to kiss you… That’s just… I dunno, I’m still reeling, you know? And I can’t believe I screwed it up. I’m sorry.”
His voice was kind as he assured her that she wasn’t being stupid but she knew it wasn’t true. If this had happened to Marlene, she would have brushed it off, teased him a bit and moved on, but Lily couldn’t stop worrying if something she had done had been - not enough.
He went on, though, and she dared to look out from under the blankets where she’d been hiding. He didn’t need to apologize, not really. She was more worried than she was angry, at least this morning. The night before - well - that had been an entirely different story. “You’re more than allowed,” she said once he’d finished, barely coming up from under the covers, her cheeks still red thought her embarrassment was slowly fading. “I just -” she paused, bolstering every ounce of Gryffindor courage she had to ask her next question without hiding under the blankets again. “Was I that boring?”
He looked over when she peeked out and smiled at her. He leaned over and brushed her hair out of her face before realizing what she was asking. “Lil, how could you ever think I see you as boring? You are the most unpredictable, exciting, gorgeous woman I’ve ever met. And you are a magnificent snogger, for the record. I am just a world class prat and manage to screw up every good situation I find myself in.”
She wanted to smile as he brushed the hair out of her face but she still wasn’t sure, was still too self conscious to let the corners of her lips turn up just yet. His words helped, though, to soothe the embarrassment she couldn’t place or control. It was slow when it started, her smile, and stayed small and soft, but it was worlds better to the humiliated expression she’d been hiding all morning. He was so sincere, so honest, she ventured further into her worries, putting words to the things she’d been thinking for the last few weeks, things she’d only mentioned to Frank and even then, only by accident. “James, what if I’m not - what if I’m not everything you think I’ll be.” He’d been chasing her for six years, what if she wasn’t everything he imagined.
He couldn’t help but sigh at her worries. “Lil, I’ve had a ridiculous amount of people let me down,” he said. “That’s what people do, isn’t it? We make mistakes. I know you’re not going to be perfect. I know there are gonna be days when I make you mad and we’re back to yelling like it’s fourth year again, but I don’t care. The point is that even after we’ve gone through that stuff, we still want to be around each other. That means something, right?”
“That’s not -” she began, pausing to try and arrange her words the way she wanted, to help him understand the fears he sighed away. She knew they were likely exaggerated but even so, they were there. “I don’t want to let you down,” she said finally. “but everyone - I mean I’m not always -” she sighed, the words all muddling around in her head. “Marlene’s the only person I’ve ever loved who hasn’t - who I’ve ever been enough for. Who hasn’t decided I’m not the girl they thought I was. You’ve been chasing me for six years but what if it turns out I’m not the girl you’ve been chasing. I don’t mind the fighting or the yelling, that I can deal with.” She shook her head, knowing she was looking for a guarantee where one didn’t exist. It couldn’t. It never did, not in any relationship. “What if you realize you don’t want to be around me anymore?”
“Lily,” he sighed, all traces of teasing gone. “I’ve been watching you for six years. And as creepy as that probably is, I’ve seen the best and the worst in you. I know exactly who you are. You know the whole ‘Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind’ thing? Well, I didn’t know I was in love with you until this year. So obviously, I’m not blind to your flaws. But I’m not blind to your strengths either, or the ways that we’d be good together. Yeah, I know I come on strong sometimes and I’m probably a little overzealous, but I need you to know that that’s never going to wane. You’ve been trying to get rid of me for six years and I haven’t gone anywhere. When are you gonna realize you’re stuck with me?”
For once in all the time she’d known him, she had to say she didn’t mind that he’d been - as he said - watching her for six years. Had he not been, his words probably wouldn’t have calmed her as much as they did. The Shakespeare didn’t hurt either, her eyes widened at the reference. It came so easily from him as if he had been reading Shakespeare all his life, not as if she had only given him that play a month ago. She’d forgotten all about it until now, she hadn’t realized he’d actually finished reading it. “You just quoted Shakespeare at me,” she said when he finished, the shock apparent on her face. “I can’t believe you actually read the whole thing.” She bit her lip, sitting up a bit so she wasn’t so close to hiding anymore, and allowed herself to realize that maybe what he said was true. Maybe she was stuck with him. Maybe she could count on that. “You said something about tea?” It wasn’t smooth or altogether responsive to the incredible speech he’d just given her, but it was the only way to know how to tell him it had helped. If it hadn’t she would have tried to kick him out again. Instead, she was going to try and let herself actually enjoy this.
He grinned when she actually started speaking full sentences to him that weren’t full of doubt. And yes, he was thrilled that she hadn’t overlooked his reference because he was quite proud of himself for thinking it up. “Guess I did,” he teased. “Course I read the whole thing. After the way you read it with me, you think I’d be able to put that play down?” He grinned and sat back, thrilled that she was seeming to calm down.
When she asked about the tea, he gave a soft laugh. “I did say something about that, didn’t I?” He asked and leaned forward to kiss her forehead. “It’ll be ready when you are, love,” he added before getting up and heading for the door.
She still couldn’t believe he’d read the whole thing, the fact that he had affected her more than she would have thought. As he mentioned the time they had read it together, she smiled at the memory. "I’d never read it quite like that before,“ she had to admit. She’d always loved the play but it had become one of her favorites that night. She nodded as he made his way to the door. "I’ll be out in a second,” she assured him, moving to get up and freshen up before joining him. "And James?“ she called, stopping him at the door. "Thank you.” She looked as if she wanted to say more but the words alluded her and so she just smiled one final time before he left, hurrying through making herself presentable before following him into the common room.
[ Finished Thread ]
