Personal (or 'A Personal', as I am calling them now"
So, my life progresses.
Specifically, trying to figure out my life. If you've read my personals before, its very fragmented and varying, (and a bit repetitive I apologize). Whereas in 2010 I grappled life and death with the future, it feels like 2014 is the year I grapple with my past.
To explain it, for years I had stresses that compounded me to be more chaotic good that I'd admit then. Still good I hope, just not as neutral as I always wanted to be. I had (a) family member that would criticize me, torment me, and exploit my talents and possessions. Another would think his solutions for his own life would work on me. Often I focused so much on the stress from them I never paid as much attention to myself as I should've to my own development.
Then the year 2010 attacked, I bought the narrative, surrendered to family pressure of rushing into University without gathering myself for the journey and crashed and burned hard, almost lost hope for my life. I over-romanticized post-sec life to my detriment, and its taken a long time to rebuild bridges I burned that year.
Now I'm finally dealing with the final (I hope) fallout from it, and its the HARDEST thing I've ever done. As above, while focusing on so much stress from without I've been and done not as I want to be within. I've wobbled, morally and ethically, or at least I feel that way majorly at times. Sometimes I feel the mistakes I've made are the worst a person could make, in spirit if not in actuality. Often, I have a overt hatred of my libedo because of it.
I often forget what good I have done as a person, everything from save someone from suicide to helping my girlfriend in ways I do not even know. To teaching others of history, lending out books, to being nice to anyone working retail since I know how its sometimes like in the field.
I feel tainted of myself at times, undeserving of a future at times. Its easy enough to compartmentalize day-by-day, but long term planning has been hit hard because this robs me of motivation. In the stress I lose objectivity, I do not have enough hard data to alleviate my worries I am a horrible person, or one waiting to happen in all the worst ways.
I'm overreacting from chaotic good to lawful good, also something I do not feel I am, but in finally emotionally developing from putting it on hold from stress and prioritizing intellectual development. Its because now I am finally coming to grips with I am an adult, not a teenager able to get away with things under youthful indiscretion as much as then. Its like a blinder over my eyes, not allowing me into the world and how beautiful it can be.
If anything, I was too perceptive to that then, but was too immersed in living or in fear of outside stress to care about how I'd be in the future. I over-perfectionize about my life and its mistakes, and in being lawful good, I worry I'm hurting myself more than I am helping anything.
Its hard to figure all my life out, an already herculean task while my own brain wants to work against me, as much as this smacks of self-diagnosis (and I'll use Pure-O tendencies since I do not want to bias against myself more than I already do), a lot (if not all) of the themes of my ruminations are the same as described under whats known as Pure-OCD.
Responsibility, sex and sexuality, relationships, violence, health, I've had at least one major rumination under each topic. The more inappropriate something is to me and/or society, the harder my brain makes me worry I am, have been, or will become that. I often cannot enjoy or even be near what I before had no issue with. Often I get what are called "spikes" but here more known as "triggers".
Its as if the Pure-O tendencies put a permanent debuff on my responses, and a buff on the ruminations. Its a weight that slows my confidence down while trying to work out just what I've done with my past, and its been shown to deliberately do so as a part of the condition.
If I didn't have my girlfriend, and other close confidants I'd be in a lot worse of a place today. And its a consolation that you'd think if I was as bad as I tell myself I am, I'd be reveling in barbarism and debauchery, not fighting it tooth and nail, with mental machine guns and mortars. To gain objectivity I talk to my confident (and write), dream of a better life, and detach from my life to see the bigger picture of humanity.
I've always been harshly critisized and put down by someone who dared call themselves family, and often lacked the ability to fully stand up to him, perhaps thats a schema motivating these ruminations. And viewing all this as a war to be fought, weapons placed and fields of fire optimized, ammunition and other consumables stocked, allies mobilized, routes of retreat and advance scouted.
If anything is to be gained from this, I now appreciate how hard being human can be, and to see what good we do every day, no matter how small. For my mistakes, I do not seek justification, but absolution and forgiveness, or redemption. Though for all I know, I'm making mountains out of moehills considering what others around the world have done. For all I know, I should go easy on myself. But its hard to grow out of these self-defense mechanisms I had to have to make sure I survived before.
I don't want to become a monster or have my life put on hold in vital ways while I atrophy, I want to join the Army Reserves to serve my friends and family, and the society that gave me what I have. I want to gain a career in the field I have chosen for myself. I want, need to live to see these through and move forward, but its hard to figure things out.. I want to be able to forgive myself. I want to feel like I belong in this world with all of you again.
(Thanks to anyone who reads these and doesn't think me insane or seeking attention. As immensely relieving as this is to write and get off my chest, ideally I'd never have had to get to this point at all. Any support is vastly appreciated.)
