#sh m

[spinecutter-archive]

Thinkinng about when i was working at mcds and i had a cut on my arm (from breaking a window or something i dont remember) but it was one cut (one single cut) (horizontal) and my coworker grabbed my arm and looked at me and said Stop it? for me ? and i almost didnt have the heart to correct them i was almost like Okay .. for you. instead i laughed at them and said fine. Wait i think the cut was a scratch from a dog or something. i dont remember

[jiraidanshi]

had my first session with my new therapist yesterday and i think it went pretty well . she listened to me and even made digs at my old therapist so it was nice . she was like wow im surprised youre still alive when you used to self harm every day and i was like well i was just trying to make myself feel better and she was like well still no one cuts because theyre feeling happy and it took me a lot of willpower to not say something incredibly unhinged in response . also she made a comment about the pandemic stunting peoples development and i said " well actually ive been stuck inside since i was 15 since i did online school so it didnt really make a difference to me " and she just went " YIKES "

[notpumpkiin]

The only thing stopping me from self harming rn is the fact I don't want blood on the blankets I'll sleep with today 🙃

[hatescout]

🚫

character flaw meme • accepting

🚫 what is one thing my muse wouldn’t want someone else to know about them?

under the cut for neglect and sh/ed mentions

pikeman was raised with an extremely disciplined and controlled environment and was, at the same time, neglected emotionally AND physically. he’s a perfectionist at heart despite how much he says he’s already perfect. combine that with poor body image issues and a lack of resources to deal with said issues and. you get an eating disorder. that’s. yeah. that’s what happens. that’s as far as i’m describing it due to the heavy subject matter.

he wouldn’t want anyone to know about that because he sees it as a weakness- a struggle that only “girls” deal with and. anyone finding out would somehow make him less of a man. i can’t stress enough that it’s NOT the case. it’s just the upbringing he had, it taught him that men were expected to “man up” and not admit they were struggling with these things.

[iskabee]

in ur opinion, how would soumakoharu get together?

ahhhh i love this ship sfm. ;; honestly i always dig a sweet and warm and maybe simplistic tokyo story for them, uni or post-uni, with or without rin in the area as well. if sousuke’s there without rin for a spell (saying rin goes abroad again and comes back to swim for jpn), mh would mutually offer themselves as friends to sousuke (using makoto’s sense of diplomacy to initiate) assuming he doesn’t know a lot of people, and do so without needing to be asked to (tho it’s cute that rin would probably say something anyway). ssk probably has a few tokyo friends somewhere already from tokitsu kicking around and blows them off a little but slowly finds mh’s company richer and more fulfilling at this stage in his life given everything that’s happened in canon until that point. ssk and haru are good-term friends by the ova so i really don’t find this to be a stretch that a strong friendship among the 3 of them would come together easy and without a lot of hitch in this scenario. if you’re looking for a dope ass rock solid friendship out of nowhere here it is.

for a romance progression, all above plus the addition of subconscious touchiness worming it’s way into things... heated moments where nothing happens but something unspoken is there... all the cheesy stuff, but no one’s really a high key romantic so it turns out to be slow going and understated. natural, docile, and never too much at once. i dont personally do any sort of romo mh until a further along post-canon so whatever feelings they have for each other wouldn’t be developing until then as it is anyway. 

so i like the idea of sousuke being a dark horse in the mix neither mako or haru expected. sousuke didn’t expect it either but lbr post-canon that guy is sitting stuck in a bucket of fuck it and i would like to see him be open to something new and different. and i am always in the game for mh learning to open up their bond to others. there’s a lot of worldview opening in general to be gained through this relationship. and it’s intense to grapple with this many strong and new feelings on each of their individual levels, but it’s also like a seriously involved life or death game of chicken that none of them are talking openly about and yet no one’s backing out of until it’s too late they’ve already totally gone for it (and makoto kisses sousuke square on the mouth first and wins the game).

but in the end i will take this ship how i can get it bc i love.

[skin-bible]

Ive never been hospitalized for any of my suicide attempts, psychotic episodes, or been given mental health options my entire life, because no one ever took me seriously.

The first Psychologist I tried seeing (who i chose because he looked like the KFC Colonel Sanders bc of my CS fascination at the time and had over 600 videos or images in a folder containing either KFC commercials, the KFC superhero comic, Colonel Sanders in advertisements, but mostly a shitton of shitpost drawings of people making him overly muscular. It made me feel better looking at them.) (In fact, this is the first year I have not sent my mom the sexy KFC mother's day commercial) (actually I should have posted it here as tradition instead).

But anyway

He was the first who wrote in my file that I "possibly" have munchausen because ive never been hospitalized before and never broke any major laws, therefore my mental condition isnt as bad as he thinks (despite the latest suicide attempt still visible on my arm.)

Its like... I wish I was faking this, are you kidding me ?

[skin-bible]

Sh talk

Reasons to not cut self again, esp. on thighs:

• Shower or bathing hurts while it's still healing

• Peeling off the bandages/gauze hurts (especially now that my thighs are hairy)

• Kneeling and bending sucks because it hurts

• When it's healing it hurts

• Can't wear skinny jeans because it's always rubbing the wounds which hurts

• The random numbness gets concerning

• Scars are hard to tattoo over

• It's a constant reminder of why it happened

• because it always fucking hurts

[skin-bible]

Self harm talk under cut until I can pick a journal I want to use instead

Erasing 3 years worth of days off white board, "it's been 000 days since last incident"

Me with knives in hand: surely this will make the nightmares and stress go away

Me while cutting: why the fuck doesn't it hurt goddamn it

Me after the episode: ow what the fuck what the fuck

I am a clown with a gun in his drooling mouth

Everyone hates me and my visible scars make them sad

Oh fuck I can't wear my ripped jeans anymore :(

Really pulled an amanda Saw moment

Everyone's going to hate me when they find out :(((

I was supposed to go swimming this Thursday and now I cant

I ruin everything I fuck

I fuck everything I ruin