Morning Talk
Last night I talked to Allah SWT,
to give me patience, take away my grief and make me a better person,
but the only thing I wished non-stop was, to forgive my uncountable sins.
I know I haven’t been much of a human. I thought of blood, dying and ending things - you know, that kind of suicidal thoughts but I never committed it. It just mingled for quite some time but I got over it as time past by. Honestly speaking, I don’t really want to make changes. I’m just being ‘idle’, if that makes any sense - I don’t want to do anything, just yet. I just want to stop for awhile, stop jumping from being suicidal to happy in a split second. It is indeed, very exhausting. Perhaps, a good transition takes more than a day. I know I’ll be fine, when I feel like I’m worthless; I know, any day from now, I won’t feel like this anymore, perhaps better or worse, who knows. Things change, I just don’t care anymore. Have I gone insane? Not knowing whether this is worth the pain, or I’m just living it the way it leads me. I have so much thoughts in my mind, but letting it out will only destroy me. You wouldn’t want to know, my parents don’t want to know, they never asked me if I’m okay or not, what I want in my life, and the bitter part is that I never get to hear them saying “I love you” like others kids. I’m so envy to the point I’m struggling not to hate them for doing so.
But really, growing up makes me feel like my struggles and pain, aren’t meant to be told to anyone. I should bottle up inside because, yes, there are people who suffer more than I am right now. But hey, being under depression has no limit, at any age or circumstances.
I am just simply tired of everything, but fine as usual. But really, is fine even a rather satisfying feeling? I don’t feel like looking forward to any day, I’m just going to live the life, do what people want me to do, continue being a grumpy girl in town and eventually die.
