one hour (part 3)
don’t force it. what is your obsession with being desired? why does the idea of someone wanting you make you feel complete? would you deem yourself worthy of your own love if someone were to look at you? if someone were to desire you? is it validation? are you looking for a sense of permission to care about and take care of yourself? it is not vain to take care of yourself. you deserve to give yourself what you would offer others. can you, for one moment, imagine what life would be like if you ended up being the love of your life? would you sit and wait to take care of yourself until someone came along only to leave you with yourself again? or in the spare months in which lovers come and go, would you take that time to truly pour into yourself in the ways you would expect a romantic interest to do? there is no love in the world better than the love you experience within your bones. you will crumble at the touch of a man. the only way you could ever put yourself back together is if you learn to love the feeling of your own touch. this is the most difficult think piece i’ve written in a while. all i….hands. what is it with hands? what do they do? why do they catch my attention more than anything else? is it because i want to be held? cradled? supported. to hold something is to support it, it’s entire being safe in your grasp. the only negative is you decide when it is no longer safe. the only negative is they decide when their hold on you is no longer safe and they have the choice of whether or not to tell you. i want to be supported. i want to feel support. i want to be seen without the fear of being judged. i want to be touched without the feeling of disgust clouding my brain because there is an insane amount of trust between us. i want to share a space with someone and not feel like i take up too much of it. i want to compromise. i want to forgive and forgive again and again and again and i don’t want the pain of letting someone go. i want to be held and have someone not want to let go. what is this feeling? i want to not feel ashamed of my bedhead on day 5. i want to talk. i want to talk. i want to talk and talk and talk and dammit i want to listen too. i want to listen. i want to listen and listen and listen and learn from listening. and i want so much more than that. why cant you find that person within yourself? why do you assume that person is out there? why wouldn’t your first belief be that the person you are looking for could come from you? what if your being creates this person? what if you don’t immediately shift your position on the couch to seem smaller and take up the entire couch when you’re the only one sitting there? what if you made as many servings of your favorite food as you wish, and stored them so you could enjoy them in the future? what if you didn’t mind your bedhead on day 6? not 5, but 6. what if you take up the entire fucking bed and let your limbs relax and stretch as far as they would like to? what if you loved yourself first? would that be so bad?
here is the answer. no, it wouldn’t be. you just wish you didn’t have to do it. write down all the behavior you exhibit that you wished a lover would and find comfort in simply being the lover. be your own lover. don’t feel ashamed. don’t judge yourself. don’t look at yourself from another point of view, just be, and love yourself in the act of being. you’re sitting with your legs wide open? okay! great! someone would say that sitting with your legs open isnt ladylike, but it’s about how you care for yourself. it’s about how you hold yourself, how you cradle yourself, how you support yourself. when you are comfortable being you, you should start to realize that being in your own company is good enough. and most likely better. i still don’t know why hands catch your eye. thank god it’s not muscles. there is something that you lack that you will soon find out no one else possesses or can possess. it’s self-acceptance. it’s self-acceptance. it’s accepting yourself in all of your voluptuous beauty. you take up space, you will always take up space. even when God is no longer breathing life into your body, it will take up space. how long will it take you to get over it? how long will you let the denial of this all-knowing fact dictate your entire existence? it is nothing you can control. you will take up space for as long as you are you. you will look for self-acceptance in every man you meet and never find it. you will look for self-acceptance in every man you meet and only find it in yourself. why not linger in bed for an extra hour instead of getting up to do the dishes? why not plan and take yourself on a date once in a while? why not grow out your pubic hair? no one will accept that you’re a grown woman until you do. where is the harm in it? why not listen to the music you like loudly instead of lowering the volume in the world-ending case that someone hears it and hates it. have you ever taken the opportunity to explore your own body? not in the sexual sense, but rather figuring out where all your beauty spots are. count all of your scars. find all of the sensitive points on your body. learn yourself in the ways you wished someone else would. that’s the answer. there it is right there. learn yourself in the ways you would wish someone else would. love yourself in the ways you would wish someone else would. maybe then, you’ll feel complete. you’ll feel that sense of support. you’ll get that sense of security. you’ll feel safe in your being. there is nothing in this world that should mean more to you than you. self-acceptance. here is your answer. it’s okay. hey, it’s okay. that’s your answer.