#sharkbaitstuff

[avertune-blog]

I want to apologize for responding so late, Anon, but I had to go buy things as I'm tasked with making Thanksgiving dinner again this year. I truly want to thank you for saying that, for taking the time to say that I deserve things and I understand, I really do, but I'm too used to making myself be there for people so that when I'm like this, I don't feel right in asking for anything because even if no one should compare what they're going through to what other people are going through, I always feel like this is nothing; that there are so many people I know and don't know who are going through so much worse things and yet they keep moving forward or that they need the support more. 

I always feel ugly, greedy and selfish when I confess in needing something or someone or being reassured because I never feel like I deserve it. I feel better when I can be there for people, when I can help someone see how wonderful they are despite how ugly they think they are because no one is ugly no matter how many visible or invisible scars they carry and I'm just.... 

I'm just someone who's just sad because I don't know what to do; because I'm constantly missing someone; because I know what I'm missing or lacking but knowing doesn't do anything; because I've become so insecure and weak that it tires people out to have to reassure me constantly even though I'm not like this, didn't become like this by choice; because I constantly remember what was told to me and even though I try to hold onto words, I still remember the ones spoken before and it makes me feel worse because I can't get my meaning across; because I'm really selfish and can't be happy and thankful and blessed with all the love and support and kindness I keep receving from my friends when I'm like this and just continue to be sad, but I can't lie on what I think and feel even though words like these touch me so much that I teared up when I first read your message. 

Thank you to you and to everyone I know and don't know who have taken the time to try and comfort me and I do apologize that I can't be happy and be satisfied in that much. I wish I could be strong enough to make myself happy until I am happy so that I can actually get things done and move out of this, but I can't and even if I shouldn't feel it, I just do feel selfish and ugly and greedy in wanting someone to understand and support me because I was never there when they needed it and have only ever proven to be someone untrustworthy in anything and really, it's all my fault. 

I'm sorry for the length of tihs response and for being emotional, but I really do thank you so much. 

[avertune-blog]

Thank you so very much for your kindness, Anons, though I don't know what I've even done to deserve encouragement or understanding from anyone. All I've done is retreat into myself because I don't know what to do anymore or anything I can think of doing just makes me more and more pathetic. I do really thank you all and I'm sorry I've been nothing but sad. I'm really just... tired and lonely. Which is really dumb because I'm the one keeping myself away from people but I'm so worn out from hoping for the best but always getting the worse of things; of thinking if I could try and be positive, it would help when it doesn't; of feeling like it's all me and even knowing it's all me; of feeling like I can't even ask to be reassured because what right do I have to ask for anything. 

I miss having a best friend and I'm so sorry this is turning into all me me and boohoo, but do you see why no one should have to be around me? Even thinking these things is enough to make me tear up. I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for your kindness, it's just hard to be encouraged about anything when I feel and know anything I can even do would just pull on patience that is never there.

[avertune-blog]

I'm just.... 

I'm just tired not of just one thing but of everything -- tired of constantly having my mistake with the insurance thrown at my face; tired of being asked why when I'm already giving the honest answer; tired of being told of one thing and being expected to do the other; I'm tired of trying to make sure I'm getting everyone's things done and when I want to recover, when I want to feel fine and okay and happy and just being able to smile again without having to fake it -- I can't. 

I can't find anything to be happy about because literally the last half of this year was just everything around me falling apart even though I thought things were okay, even though I tried so hard to keep things together. I've done nothing but disappoint people and myself and i just constantly find myself back in the limbo I was in when I was depressed about those two -- pulling away from everything, being afraid of doing anything, doing nothing but thinking and hoping and wishing but constantly afraid but I'm always too attached and too everything -- just wanting one person to understand why but unable to even get them to and just further making things harder and further alienating myself from things I used to enjoy. 

I miss being happy. I miss being okay, not fully in top shape, but knowing I can seek strength elsewhere to keep going. I miss what I lost and I'm tired of looking around everywhere and only seeing things like 'unhealthy', codependent, manipulative, abusive, and all that other crap and feeling like crap even though people don't know what's going on but always feeling like it's directed at me; that I'm this thing that's the lowest of the low and can just be labeled all these things when they are hardly it. That I'm some fucked up thing because I just can't move on from having two former best friends dropping me for no reason; that it's messed up to find someone who I could finally bond with again and not feel utterly heart broken because I don't know what to do to fix things without people who know nothing trying to make me feel worse. 

I miss things I never thought I would miss because it never crossed my mind that I would lose them.

[avertune-blog]

First, I want to thank everyone who took the time to leave a message. Thank you so much for your kindness and please don't worry. I won't do anything stupid. Honestly, it.... it hurts. I won't lie about that, but I won't let someone without a face or name get to me. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your love and kindness. 

To... the mister that left that submit, thank you. I don't know what else to say other than that because it's really all I can think of. But thank you so much for your encouragement and advice. 

I'm sorry it took me this long to even respond to the messages left in my inbox, but I've been kept away from everything and... well, I hope everyone has a fine night. (I don't know if anyone else has been getting it... but I keep getting notification of people following but... there's nothing different in my count? Not very important, though. But, please everyone stay well.)

[avertune-blog]

So at level 45 you get artifact gear of what your specific class wore and, well, for some reason summoners in FF wear horns on their head and instead of being confused like I am, Alex decides to crack a joke at my expense.

Heartless bastard.

Edit: Ah dammit, the screenie didn't take it but he said I'd make a man really happy and really Alex. Thanks for reminding me of an awful SenBasa art of Yukimura and a mask.

[avertune-blog]

The one thing that will never stop annoying me even though I know it shouldn't (undercut because unpopular opinion or whatever).

When, whether in fic or art (though it'd be mostly in art, I suppose), two perfectly equal or near close in height characters has one, the 'bottom'/uke/whatever you want to call it, suddenly be that much more visibly shorter than the top. I know it's probably something to do with appeal or whatever, but whenever I see it in pairings I like where they either the same height/build/whatever and one, the designated catcher of the two, has to be shown smaller, more meek or even less powerful to the one doing the fucking. 

And I lie, I say pairings I like but the only pairing I'm seeing so much of that in is DateSana and it never stops getting irritating even when I don't track a single thing of Basara anymore. Goodness forbid in any pairing wherein it's the shorter one that's doing the fucking or, gasp, it doesn't matter what their damn height or build is or that neither of them have to be portrayed as meek and delicate for anything to be appealing, but whatever I ranted about what I needed to rant about and now I'm going to nap and huddle under my blankets because it's cold as hell. 

[avertune-blog]

I'M LAUGHING SO HARD BECAUSE I WAS VIEWING A COIL OF BAHAMUT FF XIV: ARR DUNGEON RUN VIDEO AND THE ENDING SONG THESE GUYS PICKED FOR THE END OF THE VIDEO IS A FREAKING GRAVITATION SONG AND I JUST I

I COULDN'T STOP BURSTING OUT LAUGHING BECAUSE WOW--

I say as I remember my phase wherein I listened to Gravitation music a lot even though I never liked Shuuichi because Ryuuichi please my happy smiling Ryuu-chan who is more than just a silly amazing singer and hnnnghnajfawfhbauwfjhnfe 

But yes, Alex confirmed, it is indeed a Gravitation ending theme song and I'm just going to cry with laughter at these big tough guys being so damn proud of their kill and then yaoi anime theme song to half naked Sephiroth

[avertune-blog]

CID CID CID CID CID CID CID CID CID CID CID CID

AHHHH I JUST REALLY LOVE THE STORYLINE THEY'VE GOT IN THIS GAME SO FAR AND JUST AHHHH AHHHHA HHHHHHHHH

It's just been so long since an mmorpg ever felt so fun and the storyline seemed interesting or at least personal. The last game that even allowed me to fall into the whole myth and world building was Aion and ahhhhhh