2AM Headspace
I’ve always been the type to let fate take its course instead of taking charge of my own destiny. This is probably the reason I let go of people easily, thinking that our parting was destined, that it was written. Most of the time I fear that I’m beginning to trivialize people, treating them as lessons instead of actual human beings with real feelings.
This is especially the case with a particular person whom I used to care deeply for. We lasted for about three years but I thought that three years was nothing compared to the rest of my life so I began to take advantage of him. That was the beginning of the end of us. I began ignoring him and shooting down his efforts to connect with me. I didn’t give him the time of day and always had an excuse for my indifference. The worst part is that I was fully aware of what I was doing to him. This lasted for a while, until I finally came to my senses and ended it between us.
You’d think that after making him suffer once, I would have learned my lesson. However, I fooled myself into thinking that I wasn’t going to repeat the same mistakes. We rekindled whatever it was we once had and made a pact to be better than we were the first time around. A voice inside my head told me that I was just lying to myself, but since I got him to believe me, I dismissed my thoughts and focused only on what I was feeling. However, my feelings for him came and went like the waves crashing hard against the shore and then retreating quickly back into open water. I was going back into my old habits, but this time quicker and harsher. Most people say that only a fool would make the same mistake twice yet for some reason, I still did. I was engulfed in the sea of emotions inside of me and as I tried to swim back to shore, I ended up sinking deeper into the dark abyss.
Call me a fool all you want but the three years of ups and downs with him made me wiser. My fickle mind may be unsure about most things but one thing I’m sure of is I don’t regret setting him free from the leash that we both didn’t realize I had on him. Letting him go was probably the only good thing I ever did for him. What I do regret, however, is not making him feel that he was special to me. Every day, I am being torn apart by guilt for not giving him the effort that he deserved. He was clearly more invested in us, and I was unable to reciprocate his intensity. I’ve tried avoiding having to write about him for the longest time in fear that certain suppressed feelings would creep their way back onto the surface, but I’m glad that I finally decided to address them head on.
Writing this has given me the real peace of mind and solitude that I needed. Wherever he is now, I hope he’s sharing the light that he possesses with people who are deserving of him. Through all of this, I realized that although we have a pre-determined destination, how we get there is entirely up to us. We have the freedom to make mistakes but it is our responsibility to learn from them and use them to become better versions of ourselves. I have the rest of my life ahead of me but it’s about time that I start forging my own path instead of navigating through the stars.