#sheinvanilla

[sheinvanilla]

I miss you. I can't stop uttering these words even though I know you can't really hear me. It'll soon be a year without you, and I still can't believe how time flew by after you left.

I'll always write the title like this. Just to try and reach you because out of all the people I've known my whole life, you'll always be the warmest. That'll never change. Even if I meet other people, I'll always seek for the warmth you hold. You'll never be someone I knew. Yes, you're not here, physically. I know that, and I am still trying my best to get past that.

The other day someone told me that I'm radiant and that the warmth I hold feels surreal. It made me remember you. In this life I'll live without you, I hope I'll grow up making people feel warm and cozy, just like you did for me. I'm happy to think that I may got that trait from you, la. I'm writing this with a bittersweet smile.

I miss you.

—sheinvanilla, To The Warmest Person I Know

[sheinvanilla]

I want to write again.

I want to write again,

Because the power I had with words, kept me breathing

They were catalysts that made me feel like I could touch emotions

How I long for the great first impressions, the "Ohs" and "Ahs"

That feeling of being free, it's an extraordinary euphoria,

The way people were confused, how I was happy with just a pen and paper

The feeling that I am invincible, inside my own room until my mind envelopes me with the words I write in ink

The high of being able to express and communicate with my demons

The echos I missed to write and predict

Oh how I crave it, badly because it made me feel like I was something

But it never fails to break my soul each time I reminisce the essence of why I haven't visited my favorite writing spot

I want to write again.

I want to know how it feels to be found

I want to understand who I am again, even if it terrifies the weak heart I own

I want what broke me, back in to my arms

That I can cradle it with the engraved longing deep within the shackles of oblivion in my pale, malfunctioning heart

Because do you know how it feels to listen and stay still as you hear your soul being ripped inch by inch, —while you slowly understood how you've lost something you never thought you would?

Do you understand how I have been so deprived of something that I am desperately in need of?

Do you think I am still sane?

For I am not able to hold a pen like I used to

I am trembling into my very core,

My anxiety cripples as I write this because I loathe how sensitive I am, that with one simple distraction I could lose the words I want to write down

I don't know how I've been surviving,

I don't how how I got through, but one thing's for sure

I adore words as much as how I abhor the way I thirst to compose

I want to write again.

I am going mad, I know

But I guess, somehow today I won't beat myself up

I hadn't realized until at the end of this piece

I've unconsciously taken the first step

It's been a while, that it felt like forever

Three years of living inside my own nightmare

For once, may I own the privilege of smiling proudly?

For I cannot perceive how terrified yet exhilarated my heart feels right now,

That it can pop out of my chest and scream terror, havoc —or maybe a proud speech?

Because I may be starting small but at least,

I started somewhere

03/23/2021 | 1:26 am

—sheinvanilla, A 3-Year Nightmare

[sheinvanilla]

"You have the kindest soul and it makes you glimmer in a shade of gold that I will forever look up to."

—sheinvanilla, To The First Woman I Ever Loved

[sheinvanilla]

"You're the kind of insanity that I'd gladly permit to ruin me."

—sheinvanilla

[sheinvanilla]

"How do I say that I'm in love with your complexity?"

—sheinvanilla

[sheinvanilla]

"You painted me in tones of pink. The color you loved so dearly."

—sheinvanilla

[sheinvanilla]

"My words, my words. I'm pleading for you to keep me sane."

—sheinvanilla

[sheinvanilla]

"Isn't it beautiful how you etch every single part of who you are to all the souls you've ever loved?"

—sheinvanilla