cassie~ wow this is one of the best fics i've ever written wtf it's an angst too i dont do angst. anyways it's unedited but i felt the need to post it before christmas is over so it's technically not a late gift. i'll probably come back and make some changes and also add an author note or two lol anyways mERRY CHRISTMAS CASSIE
Jongin met Kyungsoo back in high school at a talent show. Jongin was there with his friends, Yixing and Sehun, to dance while Kyungsoo sang with his friends, Baekhyun and Jongdae. Jongin remembered that when he watched their performance, he was blown away because Kyungsoo’s voice was so freaking amazing and it complimented Baekhyun's and Jongdae's voice and just wow. And when he and his friends lost to Kyungsoo, he didn’t mind because really wow. He returned home with the second place trophy (Sehun and Yixing mutually agreed on letting him have it) but he felt like he won something even better.
Jongin finally worked up the courage to ask Kyungsoo out after a whole two months of pining after the boy. He made it secretive at first: leaving a flower on his desk, sticking small notes on his locker, slipping a few chocolates (of course with a note so Kyungsoo wouldn’t be too freaked out) into his backpack when he could. But then he kicked it up a notch by occasionally smiling and waving at Kyungsoo and sometimes even talking to him a bit. Then, on a day when they were practically alone, walking through the school garden, Jongin finally confessed that he had a crush on Kyungsoo since the talent show and that he was fine with getting second because at least Kyungsoo got first and he hoped that all the little things he did made Kyungsoo’s day just a tiny bit better. Kyungsoo had stared at him, wide-eyed and pink-cheeked, before replying that he probably had a crush on him since the talent show too and that he wasn’t fine with winning first because Jongin got second and that he loved Jongin’s small gestures. And after more awkward stumbling words and an equally awkward but sweet kiss, Jongin and Kyungsoo were boyfriends.
Sehun loved to tease Jongin about how gross they were together and Yixing always told him that they were cute. Baekhyun would tell him that they should stop being adorable and Jongdae complained that they were completely barf-worthy. But Jongin was happy and Kyungsoo was happy so they didn’t mind. Jongin honestly thought he couldn’t be anymore happier but as their high school days faded into fond, past memories and the stress of college finally set in, Jongin found out he could be happier. By then, Jongin already knew that Kyungsoo was the one for him and he was pretty sure he was the one for Kyungsoo. He proposed to Kyungsoo on a rainy night when they were both huddled in thick blankets. Kyungsoo had stared at him from his cocoon, looking like an adorable little kid before Jongin was attacked by blanket and human and a mantra of yeses. That night, they became one with happy tears rolling down their faces and light pecks exchanged.
When Jongin announced his engagement to his friends, Chanyeol fake cried and wailed because “I thought I was your first love, Jongin!” Sehun rolled his eyes and told Jongin that he was expecting it since they first started dating and they were still as gross as they were before. Baekhyun had tackled Kyungsoo and squealed and asked to see his engagement ring and squealed some more. Minseok was a bit calmer and told them congratulations while trying to pry Baekhyun off of Kyungsoo, who was starting to look a bit purple in the face. Yixing and Jongdae had apparently made a bet and Jongdae was forced to watch as fifty dollars left his wallet and entered Yixing’s. When Jongin had raised an eyebrow at the two, Yixing explained that Jongdae thought he would be too chicken to ask until after college. Jongin proceeded to chase Jongdae around, screaming, “I AM A FUCKING MAN, ALRIGHT,” while Jongdae cried for Kyungsoo to "GET YOUR DAMN STUPID IDIOT FIANCÉ AWAY FROM ME”. Kyungsoo fortunately sided with Jongin and watched as his friend was beat up by said damn stupid idiot fiancé.
Jongin could say that he was the happiest when they finally got married. He remembered Kyungsoo walking down the aisle, extremely dashing and handsome in his suit, and the smile they exchanged as each step was a step closer to their married life together. Their vows were short but sweet and before they knew it, the priest was saying, “You may now kiss,” and then Jongin was leaning forward and Kyungsoo met him halfway and the wedding hall erupted with cheers but all Jongin could think was that Kyungsoo was legally his. Forever his.
They move in together shortly after their honeymoon. They chose a nice, cozy apartment near Jongin’s job and Jongin still remembered how Kyungsoo’s eyes shone when the last piece of furniture – the bed – was put in its rightful place. Later that night, they held a celebration for themselves.
-
Jongin likes to describe his marriage life as perfect. Every morning, he wakes up to Kyungsoo’s adorable sleeping face and he just lies there and admires how Kyungsoo is his, all his. When Kyungsoo finally stirs, Jongin would lean forward and press a quick kiss to his lips and Kyungsoo would kiss him back until he's fully awake. Then, he would push Jongin back and complain about his morning breath but it never did stop Jongin from pressing more to his face. Kyungsoo would soon give in and let Jongin shower him with good morning kisses and would even return a few. They usually lay there in bed, calmly exchanging whispers of love and pecks and cheeky remarks until Jongin is forced to get up for his job. When he finishes getting ready, he would leave the bathroom to find Kyungsoo bustling around the kitchen. Having early morning mischief, he would always sneak up on his husband and hug him from behind. Kyungsoo would usually hit him as a result and then scold him for scaring him and complain that Jongin would distract him while he's cooking but he never did anything to wriggle out of Jongin’s arms. After placing breakfast on the table, Kyungsoo would turn to him and comment that Jongin should know how to tie a tie already, but he still fixes it for him. At these moments, Jongin can’t resist leaning down and pecking his husband’s lips and grinning stupidly. Kyungsoo doesn’t hesitate to tell him that his face looks stupid but he has the same exact expression and Jongin would think that Kyungsoo is too irresistible so he would swoop in for more kisses until Kyungsoo would push him away, laughing, and tell him to leave for work. At his workplace, he would think about Kyungsoo all day and might even make a mistake or two but that’s okay to him because Kyungsoo is always worth it. Sometimes, he would wonder if Kyungsoo is too lonely at home by himself but then he remembers that Kyungsoo has his fair share of friends that he can hang out with. (“Besides,” Kyungsoo had said one time when Jongin voices his thoughts, “I don’t need to worry about work and that’s good.”
“But work would keep you busy and not… alone,” Jongin had protested.
“We already discussed this, Jongin. We only need one job. We don’t need a lot of money. Just as long as I have you, I’m content.”
Jongin had then shown Kyungsoo how happy he is to have him.)
When work is finished, Jongin is usually the first to bolt to his car and speed home. His car would always be hastily parked (but Jongin didn’t really care until the next morning when he would vow to be more careful, which he never is) and he would already be undoing his tie while he takes the elevator (sometimes he’s too impatient to see Kyungsoo that he takes the stairs, all six flights of them). He would usually throw open the door to see Kyungsoo in the kitchen, setting out dinner and the biggest grin would break on his face before he would run and sweep Kyungsoo into his arms. Kyungsoo would then kiss him and ask him about his day which he would always reply with "Tiring without you," and Kyungsoo would roll his eyes and tell him to stop being cheesy. After dinner, they would cuddle on the couch in their pajamas while watching Kyungsoo’s favorite drama at the moment or one of the sports teams that Jongin is cheering for the season. When Kyungsoo starts to yawn, Jongin would tease him but would still pick him up, turn off the TV, and carry him back to their room to go to sleep (or maybe do something more that would keep Kyungsoo up all night instead). Their marriage is perfect – their lives are perfect – in Jongin’s eyes and he could ask for nothing more.
-
Then, one day, Jongin wakes up and they go through the same morning routine but Kyungsoo seems a little tired as he starts cooking breakfast. Jongin worriedly asks if he is okay but Kyungsoo probably didn’t hear because of the stove and if he did, he showed no signs of answering. Jongin realizes he’s late and picks up a toast straight from the toaster and ignoring how it was burning his fingers off, leans in for a quick kiss on Kyungsoo’s lips and tells him that he has to get to work soon. Later, when Jongin comes home, Kyungsoo is leaning tiredly against the kitchen counter, spatula in hand. Jongin asks again if he’s okay but Kyungsoo waves him off with said object before settling down in a seat. Kyungsoo doesn’t cuddle with him on the couch to watch his drama that night.
As each day passes, Kyungsoo seems a bit more lethargic as he moves about the kitchen and more and more distant as he moves away from Jongin. He’s scared because Kyungsoo is constantly too tired to do anything and his energetic ball of squishiness is slowly disappearing.
After two weeks of this, Kyungsoo is so tired that he can’t even get out of bed. Jongin calls the doctor, states it’s an emergency before hoisting Kyungsoo onto his back and down the elevator towards his car. On the way to the hospital, Jongin calls in to work that he has a family emergency he has to handle before hanging up. Kyungsoo protests but when Jongin shoots him a look, he shuts up and goes back to staring blankly out the window. At that moment, Jongin is unsure if he likes naggy Kyungsoo more or sad and blank Kyungsoo.
When they finally park in the hospital parking lot, Jongin helps Kyungsoo up and takes him to see the doctor. The doctor looks all sorts of worried when Kyungsoo finally makes it to his door and he helps Kyungsoo inside before turning to Jongin and telling him that they are going to have a private talk. As much as Jongin didn’t like the thought of Kyungsoo being alone with another man (even though he knows Kyungsoo loves him with all his heart), the desperateness in Kyungsoo’s eyes makes him back off and nod to the doctor. The door shuts and Jongin is forced to sit in anxious impatience. It’s about another fifteen minutes before the door opens and Kyungsoo hobbles out, expression blank. Jongin immediately rushes to him and asks if he is okay. Kyungsoo leans against him, breathing in his scent before murmuring a faint, “I love you.”
“What?” Jongin stares down at his husband. “You didn’t answer my question, Soo.”
“I’m fine,” Kyungsoo breathes in. “Just the flu. I have a weak immune system; that’s why I’m like this.”
Jongin looks up at the doctor, who is staring at Kyungsoo with a disapproving look. But before Jongin could ask anything, Kyungsoo pushes him away and he limps down the hallway. For a sick person that couldn’t move before, he sure could move fast. Jongin turns to the doctor and bows, thanking him before hurrying after his husband. He doesn’t see the doctor shake his head in disappointment.
-
With each passing day, Jongin helplessly watches Kyungsoo weaken. It comes to the point that Jongin tells Kyungsoo not to move or he would kiss his face off and Kyungsoo would crack a tiny smile that still holds a bit of Kyungsoo in it but is mainly just tired. Kyungsoo never seems to move from their bed anymore and Jongin becomes increasingly worried but whenever he brings up the topic, Kyungsoo either doesn’t answer or he smothers him with kisses that he soon forgets the subject altogether.
One day, Jongin accidentally forgets his keys at home and he momentarily also forgets that Kyungsoo is sick and tired and probably can’t answer the door when he rings the doorbell. But Jongin still hears the shuffling of feet towards the door – albeit slow – and he can’t help but think that thank god for Kyungsoo. Well, until the last moment before the door swings open and he realizes that Kyungsoo should be in bed, Kyungsoo is sick, Kyungsoo should not be using energy. But then, Kyungsoo is right in front of him and he looks as if he used up all his last energy. He smiles a Kyungsoo smile, the smile that made Jongin fall in love with him over and over and over (and wow, Jongin hasn’t seen that smile in a long time), before he collapses into Jongin’s arms. Jongin is horrified and he picks up Kyungsoo, rushes inside to grab his keys before he runs out of the apartment building and towards his car. They reach the hospital in record time (Jongin had probably passed the speed limit a couple of times but who cares at this point) and Jongin sprints to the emergency room. The nurses immediately put Kyungsoo on a stretcher and roll him into the room. The doctor from before rushes inside moments later without even a glance at Jongin. After five whole minutes, he comes back out, hand running nervously through his hair.
“Mr. Kim, please come here,” the doctor beckons, settling on a chair nearby. Jongin obeys and walks over.
“Mr. Do has requested that I not reveal this information to you but I believe you have the right to know, especially that he’s now in the emergency room,” Jongin shifts in his seat, nervous about the doctor’s next words. “Mr. Do has a hereditary disease that is so far incurable. It’s even a miracle that he has managed to live this long and that he has met a wonderful husband like you. However, Mr. Do can’t fight the disease any longer. He has only a few months to live. I’m so sorry, Mr. Kim.”
At these words, something in Jongin breaks and tears start blurring his vision. He nods numbly at the doctor and through the haze of his tears and the pounding of blood in his ears, the doctor nods back before saying he has to leave. When Jongin is finally left all alone, he starts sobbing because he always thought he and Kyungsoo would be forever but now, his forever is slowly slipping away from his fingers. Maybe he had even known it from the beginning. Their relationship was too perfect - to perfect to be true, too perfect for it to last forever.
-
They allow patients in at seven in the morning. Jongin calls in and leaves a message on his boss’s voicemail that he will be taking the next few months off (he had enough off days saved up to last him a year) and he sits, trembling, in the lobby. Some time at one or two in the morning, they move Kyungsoo into a regular hospital room and change him into those ugly hospital gowns. Jongin can’t help shaking even more at that thought because Kyungsoo is really, truly sick and he can’t do anything about it. When the clock finally strikes seven and a nurse comes out to let visitors in, Jongin bolts towards Kyungsoo’s room. In general, he had never lasted long without Kyungsoo and having Kyungsoo spend his remaining days in a hospital room weren’t the most ideal for him or Jongin. Kyungsoo is awake when Jongin comes in and he smiles tiredly at his husband who settles down in the seat next to him.
“Hey Jongin,” he says weakly.
Jongin takes his hand in his and kisses the back of it. “Hey, Soo.”
“You found out, didn’t you?” Kyungsoo whispers, head turning away from Jongin. He seems to sense Jongin nod because he says next, “You’re probably mad, aren’t you?”
“No, I’m not,” Jongin shakes his head as if to prove his point but Kyungsoo doesn’t see it, “But you should’ve told me.”
“I- I just couldn’t. I-” Kyungsoo says.
Jongin cuts him off. “It’s okay, I understand.”
There’s silence and Jongin peppers Kyungsoo’s hand with kisses. Then, Kyungsoo is turning back to face him and he reaches out to clutch Jongin’s clothes.
“I’m scared,” he whispers so softly that Jongin barely hears it. But he’s heard this voice so many times over the years so he can understand the basic message.
“It’s alright. I’ll be here with you. Don’t worry, alright? I’ll be here…” Jongin trails off. They stare at each other before Kyungsoo pulls him down and presses his mouth to Jongin’s. There’s a hint of desperateness and Jongin presses back harder because he understands that desperateness. He pulls back after some time and looks at Kyungsoo hard.
“You sure you’ll be fine?”
Kyungsoo nods and Jongin takes him for the very last time that night.
-
Instead of focusing on the inevitable future, Jongin recounts old, embarrassing memories to Kyungsoo. Memories that he had hoped would be buried forever, memories from before he met Kyungsoo to when he did to when he started dating him. He loves the smile on Kyungsoo’s face because it’s not tired as it was for the last month or two at their home and Kyungsoo’s laugh is adorable too because it’s simply Kyungsoo. And Jongin thinks that even when he’s dying, Kyungsoo is still extremely radiant and he finds that he continues falling over and over even if Kyungsoo is dressed in an ugly hospital gown.
-
Their friends visit from time to time. Baekhyun comes the most with Chanyeol, telling stupid stories about his husband while said husband tries to stop him. This eventually leads to the two trying to talk over each other in the loudest voices possible before a nurse would stick their head in and shush them. When Jongdae stops by, he tells Kyungsoo stories about pranking other people or any lame jokes that he happens to pick up from the internet or even lamer pickup lines that have Jongin almost close to strangling him because "who are you to use pickup lines on my husband?" Kyungsoo snorts at everything and tells Jongdae that he’s funny which makes Jongin groan and tell him that, “You shouldn’t feed his ego. It’s big enough as is.” Yixing and Minseok pop in some times, and they greet Kyungsoo with warm smiles of reassurance. Both of them are calm and soothe Kyungsoo’s nerves with their relaxing personalities. Sehun drops by with Luhan, his boyfriend, and tells Kyungsoo childhood stories of Jongin that he had originally avoided on purpose. Jongin would usually end up telling Luhan an equally embarrassing story about Sehun and tells him to run while he can before Sehun can propose. The seventh time Sehun and Luhan come, Jongin repeats the same words to Luhan. The latter says, “Too late. We’re already engaged.” Sehun whoops in victory at this and Jongin groans something that resembles you’ll regret this and Kyungsoo laughs and Jongin grins back down at Kyungsoo because hearing him laugh is way better than hearing more about Sehun's engagement. Sehun fake retches and tells them that they’re still as gross as they were in high school and for added emphasis, Jongin leans down and kisses Kyungsoo, who is more than happy, on the lips. At this, Sehun gets up and tows Luhan away, still complaining about how they were so barf worthy. Jongin whispers to Kyungsoo that Sehun is just too stupid to function around true love and Kyungsoo breaks out into his musical laughter again. And even though all of Jongin’s friends are stupid, he can’t help but thank them for putting a smile on Kyungsoo’s face every time they visit.
-
Kyungsoo’s favorite movie is Up. The soundless story at the beginning always leaves him in tears and Jongin would always have to pause the movie to grab a tissue to dab at his eyes for him. Kyungsoo would flail awkwardly at that and tell him that he is fine and that they should continue the movie. But the beginning always gets Kyungsoo and he would still be a bit teary-eyed about it by the time the end credits roll.
At one point, Jongin asks Kyungsoo if he would ever leave him like Ellie did to Carl and Kyungsoo promises he never would. Jongin realizes now that he broke that promise. Kyungsoo was starting to let go of the balloons that were keeping him afloat and he’s slowly sinking towards the ground while Jongin runs around and tries to keep the remaining strings together before they’re all gone and too far away to reach.
-
Kyungsoo lets go of the last balloon that Jongin is so desperately trying to keep a hold of in June. Jongin remembers waking up holding Kyungsoo’s hand (the hospital had given up trying to make him leave after visiting hours after the third day he vehemently refused) and that Kyungsoo is already awake and he's smiling that wonderful Kyungsoo smile. But it's slowly slipping and Kyungsoo’s fingers are getting weaker in his hands and Kyungsoo’s eyes are starting to flutter closed and Jongin was not ready; he would probably never be ready for Kyungsoo to leave him. Then, Kyungsoo’s eyes finally shut and the machine next to his bed goes flat and makes such an irritating noise that Jongin drops Kyungsoo’s hand to cover his ears. He screams at Kyungsoo to wake up, that he hasn’t left him like Ellie yet but the noise keeps going and Jongin screams and screams and nurses rush in and pull up the white sheets of the hospital bed to cover Kyungsoo completely from Jongin’s sight and they roll him away with Jongin clutching his head in his hands and then he realizes that there’s a wetness on his face and that he’s crying and Jongin cries harder than he ever has before. Kyungsoo was gone. He was gone and there were no more balloons for Jongin to hold onto and Jongin could do nothing but sob hard.
-
The funeral held for Kyungsoo leaves Jongin with a bitter feeling in his mouth. Everybody he knew is there, eyes filled with tears as they stare at Kyungsoo’s framed picture. It’s a picture of the Kyungsoo smile, Jongin notices and he has the biggest urge to cry. But no, he can’t, because he has a speech to make about Kyungsoo and he would do no good if he's crying too. When Jongin gives his eulogy, though, he can tell that his friends know that he is on the verge of breaking down because Kyungsoo was his everything (he remembered to include that part in his speech) and when he steps down from the podium, Yixing immediately pulls him into a hug and lets him cry, long and hard into his shoulder.
Jongin visits Kyungsoo’s grave a few days after the funeral. He is mainly alone in the graveyard, save for the tall male that was waving a book in front of one of the graves, and his feet feel heavy. When he is standing directly in front of Kyungsoo’s grave with the smiling picture of him, he starts sobbing again because he misses Kyungsoo so much. But it wasn’t like Kyungsoo could come back to him so he settles for putting down the gifts he brought. He first places a bouquet of flowers – Kyungsoo’s favorites – down, right next to his picture. Then, he places a rock on the top of his grave because flowers didn’t always last long and Kyungsoo was way stronger than any weak wimpy flower. He was a rock that withstood almost anything. The last gift he brought was a copy of Up. He had tied it to a balloon and placed it next to the bouquet of flowers. After makings sure it wouldn’t start floating away (Jongin already checked ten times at home but it didn’t hurt to try again), he smiles back at the framed Kyungsoo smile. He presses two fingers to his lips and then runs them over Kyungsoo’s face.
I’ll always love you, he promises in his head. A cold breeze blows past (it’s June, god damn it; what’s with the moody weather?) and Jongin bundles himself further in his coat. As he turns to leave, he suddenly feels warmth on his back and he turns around. The sun is peeking through the clouds and warming Jongin and Jongin thinks, hopes, that it’s Kyungsoo that’s smiling down at him with a Kyungsoo smile and that he is still holding a balloon firmly in his hands, never letting it go.
