Lies of You, Lies of Me
Pairing: Ikesen Shingen x MC
Summary: Your life had never been an honest one, not before Shingen and not after. Yet the comfort that came with the domesticity of your dishonesty was going to be enough, until it wasn’t. Because now was the very real possibility that you were not the only one lying.
Word count: ~5200 (I got carried away askfjals;kdf)
Warnings: okay there are some sads I’m SORRY but do not WORRY everything will be FINE. Also mentions of illness.
Notes: jeez LOUISE I have cut this even finer than last time good LORD. Val, thank you so much for your patience I am genuinely so sorry I’m posting this right at the end of the window, I just really wanted to make sure you got something that was the best to my abilities. I sincerely hope you enjoy, and I’ve had an absolute blast making this for you and working with your ideas (turns out trying to mix domesticity and mutual pining is FUN AS HECK).
And of course, thank you so so SO much to @ikemenlibrary for allowing me the opportunity to co-host this exchange with you (and for my gifts I’m still weeping), it’s been the most amazing experience and I couldn’t have asked for a better person to do this with. And of course for beta reading it for me, absolute angel of this earth literally saved my life lol. Thank you thank you <3
***
“And there you go. That’s all I got.”
Shingen sipped on his tea thoughtfully, nodding as he placed his cup back onto the table and gave you a gentle smile, “You say that as if you’ve come up short, but that’s everything I needed. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” you returned, taking your own cup and offering him a playful raise of your eyebrow as you brought it to your lips.
The companionable silence fell short, as it usually did when he came to visit, when he began asking all his usual questions. Everyday, without fail. Whenever he came by for tea, whenever he helped you hang up your laundry, or fix some furniture, he always found a way to ask. Did you sleep well? What are your plans for the rest of the day? Will you be joining for drinks later?
Of course, despite his efforts for subtlety during your general domesticity, each question was in the guise of another, you came to learn. Is there anything I can do to make it easier? Are you going to be on your own today? Okay, so will you please come see us later then?
Becoming the first member of Shingen’s Mitsumono was the best blessing, but also the heaviest burden that you’d ever carried. He was beyond all realms of kindness to offer you the position you had, and you’d be lost to the world without it, but it came with its own costs. Most self-inflicted, most known by Shingen. Minus the most costly one of all.
It got lonely, this little life of yours. Just as it had always been. Of course, the days became significantly more vibrant after Shingen came into your life, and everything he came with. Friends – family – and someone who sees you through no lens other than his own eyes. Someone who cares for you truly and wholly, and who you care for in equal measure. Never before had people come for tea, or to help in mundane tasks, simply for the sake of being in your space with you. Not until Shingen.
And that’s why the nights never changed even after he gave you that offer seven years ago. Because whilst you were alone in your bed, he was in another’s. Another girl from the Mitsumono, sometimes Chiyome, sometimes not. You always heard about it the next day from them. And it stung a little more every time, as every time you were reminded that you were the only one he didn’t seek on his lonely nights.
Though you would never fault him for that, you had no reason to. With the vast stretch of time that you’d had together since you met, came a bond that was so abstract yet so firm. You knew himt and he knew you, and there was truly nothing like being known. However, to this day, you never did understand what he saw that day, and in turn what he sees now. Especially when there was one thing that stopped him from knowing you in entirety.
And especially when you have always been a liar.
***
7 years ago, Kai. The day you met.
The guilt was strong, but never quite enough to overpower desperation.
You had just managed to slip into an alleyway, pushing down your heaving breaths as villagers shot past you, none the wiser to your presence. You clutched the bread in your hands like it was your lifeline. And in some ways, you suppose, it was.
“You don’t need to do that-”
It was a reflex, really. You only got a look at his face once you had him pinned to the floor. The face of Takeda Shingen. The son of the Takeda Clan’s leader.
And you currently had a knife to his throat.
But the last thing you were expecting to hear from him was a chuckle. Relaxing above him, he slowly pushed your arm from his neck and peared up at you through brilliant eyes, “I’m impressed. Not everyday you find a princess who can hold their own like that.”
You scrambled off of him like he was boiling to the touch. He stood up slowly as the colour drained from your face, and you tried, impossibly, to prepare yourself for the consequences of your actions. You had stolen from the market, and then threatened the son of a warlord. You weren’t getting out of this without a scratch, and you suspected you weren’t getting out alive either.
However, perhaps even more impossible was preparing for him to pick up the loaf of bread that you had dropped in your panic, brush it off and hand it back to you with a warm smile. Clearly, he noticed your fear and hesitation, as he placed it right into your shaking hand, ignoring your knife wielding hand that shook just as fiercely by your side.
“As I was saying before our little scrap, you don’t need to do that, princess.” When you showed no sign of accepting his reassurance or understanding his suggestion, he sighed softly.
“I’ll be right back.”
It was mere minutes until his return, his smile still kind and his approach gentle. He placed a couple coins into your clammy palm and placed his own on your shoulder, encouraging and without ulterior motive, “Let’s go pay for that, shall we?”
Your instinct was to back away, but Shingen caught you just before the panic realised itself, “Hey, I’ve spoken to the shopkeeper. He’s not angry, I promise. There’ll be no punishment.”
When you wouldn’t meet his eyes, he bent down to meet them himself, the fear trickling out of your muscles drop by drop, “And I’ll be there. I won’t leave you.”
You don’t know what it was inside you that let him lead you to the shopkeeper. Maybe it was his infinitely sweet smile, or the way that his presence oozed pleasance and safety. Or, perhaps, the fact that it was the first time you heard someone sound like they were telling the truth.
And so you apologised profusely to the shopkeeper, who simply patted your back and told you the whole ordeal was forgiven and forgotten, whilst Shingen stood tall behind you – supportive and encouraging.
When you left, you weren’t sure what to do or where to go next. Sure, he’d saved you this time, but this didn’t change your situation. It didn’t change the fact that, tomorrow, you would have to do the same thing again.
But still, you couldn’t let him go without knowing your gratitude, even just for being seen by someone, “Thank you, my lord. You’ve been impossibly kind to me today and…I’m sorry. I’m really so sorry.”
He waved a hand as you spoke, taking out two sweet buns that he had hidden and handed one in your direction. He laughed as your eyes widened, “I paid for them, don’t worry. Please, take it.”
You try to think back to the last time you had eaten such a luxury, something sweet and delightful on the tongue. It felt illegal to take such an offering.
Shingen seemed to disagree, as he pushed the bun into your hand and took a bite out of his own, obviously not taking a declination as an option.
And so you also took a bite, and you weren’t imagining the moisture that lined your waterline as the sweetness settled on your taste buds.
In surprisingly easy and comfortable silence, the two of you finished your treats. Before you could thank him, Shingen spoke up, “Where do you live, sweetheart? I’ll escort you back to your family or partner.”
You must have failed to mask the sorrow that washed over your face and clouded your eyes, as in next to an instance, Shingen knew, which was evident by the way he didn’t press further. He only returned your look with great understanding and compassion.
“Did you know, I’m notorious for keeping my word?”
Not quite understanding his suggestion, he took a step towards you.
I’ll be right there.
“And for having wonderful ideas.”
I won’t leave you.
***
3 years ago, The night of the fire.
“Where’s Shingen?!”
You had burst into the inn where the Mitsumono often met, hair and clothes tousled and eyes wild.
You had been sent on a mission just days before. It was meant to be a quick trip, with only you going, to gather any general information you could. But you’ll never forget the feeling of chilled blood flowing through your veins at the sound of Nobunaga’s emotionless tone, as he revealed his plan to his men.
His cruel, blood rich plan.
“He’s probably with Chiyome or something,” one girl hiccupped, clearly in the amused stage of her evening drink, “we all know she’s the favourite.”
You didn’t even have time to roll your eyes, or to fully acknowledge the slight sting in your chest, “I’m not joking around, I need him right now. Where is he?”
At that the door opened, Chiyome standing alone in the doorway. You had never seen her face so pale, her eyes welling.
“Where is he?”
You could have determined where he was from the second your eyes fell on Chiyome. But you asked anyway.
She swallowed, her eyes regretful and apologetic. She knew you knew the answer. “On the way to the temple.”
You ignored the cries of protest and your name being called out to you as you shot out of the inn. You never let up, you never slowed down, you kept running until your legs and lungs burned.
And yet, when you reached the temple, it was too late.
The flames had already swallowed the temple, leaving it to crumble and collapse in its wake. If there was anyone inside before, there was no way they would have survived. They will have gone down with the temple, clawing and roaring. You tasted bile. You stopped recognising it though after you spotted movement in the corner of your eye, pulling away at the wood that blocked off the outside from the hell inside.
Despite his hair blending in with the flames, you would recognise that man in any circumstance. Maybe even burnt beyond recognition, you would know him in a heartbeat. You were not willing to test this theory.
So as quick as you had noticed the movement, you went to him, as fast as your weary and aching muscles would let you.
You tried to pull him back to no avail.
“Shingen! Please, stop!”
He continued tearing away at the wall, hands blistered and burnt and you could only imagine the pain. On every level.
“Get back! I need to find survivors, go get more help!”
“Shingen, look around you! Snap out of it, you know there couldn’t possibly be any surv-”
“I said get back,” he shot back at you, finally turning your way, his tone sharp and cold and eyes cruel. It all would have sent a chill down your spine, if you didn’t know him so well.
It was over then, though, when he looked back at you. Because when his eyes settled on yours, the fog of rage and searing agony for the people inside had also settled, and he could finally see clearly. And could see that you were right.
“Come away, that’s it,” you said softly, finally able to pull him back from the fire now his muscles had slackened. Getting you both just far away enough to not be at risk of the engulfing flames, you gave him a once over, the only injuries being the burnt flesh of his hand and the shattered pieces of his heart that you could so clearly see in his eyes. You cradled his face, desperately fighting to meet his eyes. He was acting strong, as he always did. As leader, never once did he let himself slip, or let himself falter. He was a beacon of hope and spirit for his people, and he did it so effortlessly. He rarely acted strong, he was strong. But even rock crumbles when hit with enough force.
He finally met your gaze.
“Nobody else is here, Shingen. It’s just us two.”
And so he crumbled.
You tucked his head into the crook of your neck as his arms snaked and tightened around your middle. It would’ve even been uncomfortable, the force with which he was holding onto you, but the discomfort didn’t even register as you raked your fingers through his hair, nails lightly scratching his scalp.
“He did this. I never should have-”
“This isn’t your fault, Shingen.”
“People have died. Innocent, kind people-”
“I know,” you whispered.
“I-”
“Shhh, I know,” you cooed, nuzzling into his hair, “I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.”
***
You don’t know when along the way you started lying, but you had your suspicions. Maybe it was when he helped you, or maybe it was when you helped him, that vulnerability you both showed then opening you up to feeling more. But you suspected, most of all, that it was when you first laid awake at night, staring at your ceiling as you longed for the space next to your futon to feel less cold.
But you were his most trusted Mistumono, and his closest friend. The truth wasn’t a risk you were willing to take.
“So I’ll be seeing you later, then. I’ll tell Kenshin to stock up on extra sake,” he teased, starting to stand up.
“No need,” you scoffed, “I’ll be on my best behaviour tonight.”
“When are you ever well-behaved, hm?”
But before you could answer, Shingen fell back to the ground after only making it halfway up. You could hear the air catch in his throat, and the wheeze that came with every strangled breath as he clutched his chest. You ran to him in an instant, letting his weight fall into your arms so he could relax. You began pouring him some more tea, ready for whenever his episode had finished, ignoring the pounding against your ribcage and in your ears as you soothed him.
Once the pain had subsided and each breath came easier, he accepted your offered cup and took a shallow sip, eyes avoiding yours.
“Shingen-”
“What a silly man I am, catching a cold in the middle of summer. Yuki will never let me hear the end of it.”
“He already doesn’t…” you whispered, barely loud enough for Shingen to register. But he does despite your effort, evident by the way his eyes finally sought yours.
You didn’t shy away from his gaze. You had heard the odd comment from Yukimura when he didn’t know you were there, and had heard the solemnity in his tone behind closed doors. You’d known for months, maybe years that there was something, and you knew this wasn’t a cold.
You were not the only liar.
“I’ll see you later, sweetheart. Don’t make me come out here and drag you there myself.”
He stood again with far more success than before, but still with a greater effort than was warranted from a man of Shingen’s age and build. You almost stopped him, demanded more answers, but you let him slip out of your home as if he was never there. As if it wasn’t his home too.
And because you let him go, you missed the way he leant against the wall in the alleyway next to your home. The cold brick against his back mirroring the cold sweat that he found himself in, a provoking stab in his chest.
Once he felt recovered enough to stand, he pushed himself off the wall and gave one last look to her door, wishing for that which would never come true. Like every wasted wish he made every night since he first started to feel his body shutting down, bit by bit.
“Not yet, body. Not yet. Not now.”
He began to walk away.
“Not to her.”
***
Everyone’s spirits were higher than usual.
It wasn’t long until there were enough cups of sake drank that they began slurring their words, occasionally knocking into each other, and letting one person who was not drinking so much slip from view. He went completely unnoticed, just the way he wanted.
Except for the one other person who also hadn’t been drinking so much. He was a fool to think she wouldn’t seek him out, not when she was the only one who ever really noticed him in times like these.
“You invited me here and then left the party early? Not a very good host, are you?,” you teased, finding him outside by the pond.
“That was very rude of me, wasn’t it? I apologise,” he said, eyes sparkling and his smile an external display of his inner reality. You returned it genuinely, and he’d never wanted something as much as he wanted to keep that smile that graced your features exactly where it was.
In truth, he also wanted to keep you exactly where you were. By his side, and in his every waking thought. A constant in his adult life, responsible for the countless moments of pure, unadulterated joy. There was a deep rooted comfort and familiarity between you both, an inevitable outcome of the times shared, the journey taken, as well as something he would never have the capability to describe. And when that comfort was mixed with sparks of euphoria at the mere thought of you, and when that time also came when he felt the first signs of his downfall, he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep you where you were. Not in good conscience.
“Would you care to join me? Unless you’d rather stay with the party.”
“Well, Kenshin is on his third retelling of the same story, so I think I’ll stick around with you.”
“I’m honoured.”
The quiet was welcomed by the both of you, the subtle trickling of the water and the barely-there breeze were a comfort to the slight tension that hung in the air. It had never been there before, and he didn’t like it.
“I have some news for you.”
His announcement sent a tremor through your composure, obviously hitting a nerve you weren’t previously aware of. You probably thought you’d kept your shock and anticipation below the surface, but Shingen knew you, and he felt you falter, despite it being so small.
“As of tomorrow you can live a free life.”
He felt you falter again. You didn’t even try to hide it that time.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, your last mission was just that. Your last,” he turned to you, his smile kind but dishonest, “after tonight you’ll no longer have to work under me. You’ll be a free woman.”
His words fell on deaf ears, as you stopped reacting to his words after the initial statement. “Shingen…”
He needed to press on.
“Of course, you won’t have to worry financially. It wouldn’t make sense to just leave you to fend for yourself after so long of working for me. Get out there, travel, discover more interests. Do something for you.”
“Shingen, why are you-”
“It’s about time, I think. You’ve done so much for me and taken so many risks on my behalf, now seems right to let you go-”
“I don’t want to.”
It was his turn to falter then, and only then, after seeing the hurt etched into your features.
“I’m not leaving.”
You hesitated.
“Not until the end.”
And his heart shattered. He supposed he was optimistic to think he could let this get past you. Of course you’d figured it out.
“Sweetheart-”
“Shingen, just tell me. I don’t need details I just…” you didn’t seem to know exactly what you needed, except for the one thing he couldn’t bear to tell you. “How much time?”
There was no use now. The curtain had fallen, the players revealed.
“Not much.”
One lie caught, one lie left. He’d never forgive himself for the hurt he’d obviously caused you, which could have been avoided had he not got so swept up in the impossible.
But you nodded in appreciation nonetheless, and scooted closer to him until he felt his arm against yours and rested your head against his shoulder as you both watched the fish explore the water in front of you. A thought crossed his mind at that moment – that this small section of water was all those fish had ever known, but the thought didn’t bring him any sorrow or melancholy, only comfort. Perhaps because it reminded him of his time with you, and he knew when his time came, he would have been content with the thought that everything he’d ever truly known in his life always came back to you. His only regret at the end of it all being that he’d have to break his promise.
***
Shingen’s honesty was all too accurate.
He entered your house weeks later, and just from his footstep, before you could even turn around to face him fully, you knew.
“Please…” you whispered, moisture already collecting along your lash line, “don’t.”
His voice was soft, “I have to.”
You ran to him, arms tight around his torso and face buried in his chest, his kimono collecting the moisture that ran freely down your face now.
It was slow and quiet around you, as if through its cruelty, life had granted you both this one fragment of peace. Despite what had come before, and what was yet to come tomorrow, you could have this. The cursed pair offered one moment of blessing.
“I don’t want you to go.”
“Shh, I know. I know.”
“I never thought it’d actually happen. I never thought we’d have to do this.”
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I never planned to leave you so soon. I wish I could give you more time.”
“Please…” You knew it was pointless, you knew it was selfish and cruel, but you had to ask one more time. For any possibility that the answer would be different. For any sliver of a chance that he could stay, and so you could return his honesty. “Don’t go. Not yet.”
“I don’t want to, but I can’t lie to you anymore, gorgeous.” He pushed your hair back, “I can feel it. I’m out of time.”
And all the while, Shingen thinks back to before this. To when you both were younger. When he was able to carry you home without his lungs burning, to laugh with you without having to force the coughs down. When he could look you in the eyes, tell you “I’ll be right back,” and not be lying.
Your voice was muffled by his kimono, but every word of yours rang loud and clear, like it always had done.
“Are you in pain?”
“I’m not.”
“Do you need anything from elsewhere?”
“I don’t.”
“Then, can you stay just for tonight then? Just…to lay by me. I don’t need anything else, please just stay here with me.”
The answer was obvious.
“I’ll stay,” he gently swayed back and forth with you in his arms, pressing a chaste kiss to the top of your head as you continued to weep, his own tears prickling his eyes, “Shh shh, my love it’s okay. I’ll stay. I’m not going anywhere.”
Simply laying next to each other quickly turned into holding one another, limbs intertwined in an embrace pure enough to melt evil. But none of it was enough to change the fate of two people who simply did not have enough time.
The next morning you left him to sleep in, doing the impossible task of taking yourself away from him and missing crucial seconds that he had little left to offer. But you needed to try everything.
Sasuke was surprised to see you at his door so early.
“I’m so sorry to come by at this hour, but…I need to ask you something.”
He invited you in, and when you declined the offer of tea, he encouraged you to ask the question.
“We don’t know much at all about your life before Echigo, and I completely respect that you keep it vague and private, but I need to ask…” you paused, fearful that the answer would be the one you expected, not the one you craved, “This mysterious place you come from, is there…is there anyone who can help Shingen?”
You were grateful that you didn’t need to elaborate, as it seemed Sasuke understood completely. He took one of your hands in his.
“I don’t want to give you false hope and I need you to understand that with this option comes a great risk, but I’ve been doing some calculations” he gave your hand a reassuring squeeze, “there might be a way. But we need to be fast.”
***
“I always knew you were a mysterious and clever little thing, Sasuke, but this has exceeded all my expectations.”
“I appreciate you trusting me, Lord Shingen.”
The air was kept light between the three, but none could deny the inevitable uneasiness that hung over you all. It was a huge risk, no outcome was certain nor promised. And because of that, you needed to be prepared for this to be goodbye.
Sasuke mumbled something about meeting him in a few minutes before walking away, leaving Shingen with the impossible task of finding the best way to leave behind the best thing that had ever happened to him.
You took the initiative, though, by taking him into your arms in the same way you did all those years ago on the worst night of his life, and he let himself melt into you just like he did that night too.
“Are you nervous?” you whispered.
“I have no idea what’s to come, but I’m hopeful.”
“That’s good, that’s good. I’ll be thinking of you the whole time you're gone, so come back soon, yeah?”
“Of course, I couldn’t leave a princess waiting.” There was unexpected reassurance in the way you rolled your eyes. Just one speck of normality before your future was put back into the hands of fate herself, especially when she’d never been particularly kind to you both up until now.
You heard Sasuke call for Shingen in the distance, and you knew it was time. You gave him another squeeze, hoping you could pour all of your reassurance into one action before stepping back, willing yourself not to cry so, worst comes to worst, the last image you left with him wasn’t one of sorrow. You wouldn’t do that to him, not when he loved your smile.
Not when you loved him. Even if he didn’t love you the same.
You made your way to Sasuke just in time for the storm to hit. You stood back so as to not get swept up with them, but close enough to get everything out of your last few seconds before uncertainty.
He gave you a smile, his signature Shingen smile that was filled with all the cheek and humour that you were so greatly fond of.
“I’ll be right back,” he teased, but then his smile evolved into one so genuine, one that held something he’d never shown you before, and one that could have knocked the wind out of you. You didn’t know what to think.
“And one more thing, before I go.”
You realised.
“I love you.”
And he was gone.
***
Weeks had passed.
All the laundry had been hung, every surface had been scrubbed, and every floor had been swept. You had visited every friend and you had travelled to every area of the town. You were running out of things to do, to keep your mind from slipping into a place it was magnetised to.
You wanted to worry, as you felt that worrying would stop you from being caught off guard. You would be prepared for anything. But it was the second week in when you realised that nothing could catch you off guard, because if your nightmare was to come true, there would simply be nothing and no one to tell you it was so. He just wouldn’t come home. And even though that thought ate you up inside, feeding on any speck of hope you had left in your body, you had to carry on until there was none of it left.
So you continued to replant flowers, the only thing you could find to occupy your doomed mind.
But it was then, with your hands covered in soil and your muscles aching, that you were in fact caught off guard after all. In the best, most soul-healing way possible. In the form of that which you’d yearned for, long before he left, and long before you’d even known.
“I like those ones. You should plant more, they match your kimono.”
Anything you had been holding instantly hit the ground as you whipped around. You didn’t trust your hearing alone, but now you could see him. He was there, and he was well.
He had kept his promise after all.
You’d never leapt into his arms so fast.
“Hey, woah, easy there, sweetheart. I’m a recovering man,” he said, though it was in jest for he caught you with ease, and if you hadn’t embraced him a second later, the situation would have been reversed and you probably would have ended up in the soil.
You don’t know how long you stayed there, holding onto each other with as much force as you could muster in the glow of dusk, but an eternity could have passed and you wouldn’t have cared. You had him back, and you also had something to do.
You had to ask about the one thing you didn’t even entertain with your attention until he was back in your sight. But now, as you held your breath in fear but also anticipation, you could finally get your answer.
“Did you mean it?”
You could tell that he wanted to crack a joke, to make some eccentric statement that would give him the smile he had missed dearly over those dreaded weeks. But you could see the thought melt from his features, and absolute sincerity replaced it.
One lie left.
“Yes. I have for a while.”
And he was finally caught out.
And with that, you could return his confession. In whole, and in truth.
You took one last breath before raising your head from his neck, already missing the scent that so often brought you great comfort. But you ignored that and cupped his face in your hands, thumbs brushing against his cheekbones as you peered down at him.
You didn’t hesitate another moment as you lowered your head down, lips a breath away from his as you whispered, “And I love you.”
When they finally met, you cursed yourself for all the time you’d wasted. Because there was never going to be anything like the feeling of his lips moving against yours, his light sighs as reverberating in your head he moved his hand to your hair, bringing you impossibly closer.
At what point the tears had begun was unbeknownst to either of you, but there was not a second wasted in making up for lost time, now that you had so much more of it.
At long last, you could both keep your promise with uncorrupted, unmitigated certainty.
I’m not going anywhere.
***
I really hope you enjoyed, @tiny-wooden-robot 🌻 it was an absolute HONOUR to create for you💛