Obsessions (Ashton)
Written by Ashton (danielnelsen)
Game: Hollywood U Genre/s: General, Romance Ship/s: Dethan (Danny/Ethan) Warnings: none Word Count: 2205
Author’s Note: Just a quick thing I wrote for my Ethan with OCD headcanon (x). I don’t know how well I explained things (mostly because I already understand the stuff I tried to talk about), so I hope it all works. If you want a song for this, I guess Obsessions by Marina and the Diamonds works well (I kinda sorta stole the title heh).
Danny woke to a loud buzzing sound. He gave a small grunt, taking a few seconds to realise that it was his phone vibrating against his nightstand. He could usually sleep through the sound, but for some reason it had woken him up this time. After another few seconds, he guessed that it was probably because the phone was still vibrating. After receiving what sounded like another two or three texts, he reached across to grab the phone, squinting as he turned the screen on.
“Oh, baby…” he muttered, scrolling through a dozen texts from Ethan.
‘Hey, how are you doing?’ … ‘Sorry, I know you’re sleeping, just let me know.’ … ‘We should catch up for coffee or something.’ … ‘I know we see each other on set, but I like checking in with you.’ … ‘I just want to make sure everything’s okay.’ … ‘I’m sure you’re fine, don’t mind me.’ … ‘But if you’re not, please talk to me.’ … ‘Only if you want to, though.’ … ‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to bother you.’ … ‘You don’t have to answer, sorry.’ … ‘I’ll just see you tomorrow and talk to you then.’ … ‘Sorry, I’ll leave you alone now.’
Danny sighed, trying to work out what to text back. He knew that Ethan was prone to over-worrying about things and that he sometimes talked himself into thinking the worst of a situation. He texted Danny at about the same time each morning, but didn’t usually send so many in the middle of the night. His eyes focussed on the time, and he frowned. It was about 3:30 in the morning, and he doubted Ethan had woken up, which meant that he hadn’t slept yet. Considering he was usually up before six, that gave him only about two hours. Shaking his head, Danny slipped out of bed and grabbed a t-shirt off his chair, pulling it on. Clutching his phone and keys, he stumbled towards the door of his dorm and stepped out, locking it behind him.
Yawning, he made his way to Ethan’s dorm and knocked on the door. When there was no answer after a few seconds, he tried again, still with no response. Sure that Ethan wouldn’t possibly have gone to bed so soon after texting him, he slipped the key Ethan had given him into the lock and let himself in.
He immediately spotted Ethan sitting at his desk, staring at the screen of his laptop while a pair of headphones blasted a heavy beat into his ears. Danny slowly walked up to him until he was standing beside him, and reached over to push the screen of the laptop down.
Ethan jumped, shoving the headphones off and looking quickly up at Danny, his eyes wide, but shadowed with tiredness. It took him a few seconds to relax, but eventually he sat back heavily in his chair, while Danny sat on the edge of his desk.
“I'm fine,” Danny said softly. “Are you?”
Ethan was silent for a moment, looking back down at his lap, before returning his gaze to Danny. “Yeah.”
Danny sighed. “Ethan, there's a very inviting and unused bed over there, and it's calling your name.”
Ethan shrugged, his face falling. “Sorry, sugar, I'm not really in the mood right now…”
Danny gave a small laugh. “We both have to get up to work in a few hours, baby. Do you really think that's what I'm asking? You need to sleep.”
“Sorry,” Ethan murmured, looking down again.
“Hey…” Danny leant forward. “What do you have to be sorry about?” He placed a comforting hand on Ethan's right shoulder.
Ethan instantly pulled away, pushing his chair out so that he was out of Danny's reach. He squeezed his eyes shut and grabbed his left shoulder. After a moment, he also grabbed his right shoulder and took a few deep breaths.
“Ethan...?” Danny began, slowly getting to his feet and taking a step towards him. “Are you--”
“Don't touch me,” Ethan said quickly, his eyes snapping open. “Please, Danny…”
Danny reluctantly sat back down, worry written into his face. “It's okay, baby, I won't,” he assured him. “What's wrong? Is there anything I can do?”
Ethan gave a small shake of his head, biting his lip. He finally relaxed his hands, placing them carefully in his lap. He didn't look at Danny as he took several long, deep breaths.
“Will sleep make you feel better?” Danny asked unsurely.
“I can't sleep,” Ethan replied quietly. Danny waited for him to continue, and it was a long moment before he did. “I keep... I-I just…” He sighed, his voice small. “I'm too scared, Danny.”
“Of what?”
Ethan finally looked back up at him, and Danny took in the complete exhaustion in his expression. “Don't worry about it, Danny, there's nothing you can do.”
“Somehow I’m still worrying, Ethan.” Ethan closed his eyes again, rubbing his hands slowly up and down his thighs. “I understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but if you think you can’t because I don’t want to hear about it or I won’t want to help, please know that that’s not true.”
Ethan shook his head. “You wouldn’t like me very much if I told you.”
“What?!” Danny exclaimed. “Look, Ethan, you’re by far one of the best men I know. I don’t know what this is about, but I can assure you that fear doesn’t make you a bad person. Whatever it is, you don’t have to go through it by yourself. That’s why I’m here.”
“I… I’m not as good as you think I am…” Ethan mumbled. “I get these… these thoughts, and… I don’t know how to get rid of them.”
“Bad thoughts?” Danny asked, and Ethan nodded.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” He put his head in his hands. “Or anyone. And… and I don’t want to die…”
Ethan’s breath shook, and Danny fought the urge to run over to him and pull him into a hug.
“Oh god, Ethan…” he breathed. “They’re that bad?” He watched Ethan struggle not to cry for the next few second. “Is there anything that makes them any better?”
Ethan gave a small shrug, still covering his face. “Having someone with me usually helps.”
Danny nodded. “Then I’ll stay with you, okay?”
“But… but what if I…” Ethan took a deep breath. “What if I hurt you?”
“Do you want to?” Danny asked.
“Of course not!”
“And have you hurt someone because of these thoughts before?”
“No, but…” he trailed off.
“Ethan, it’s clear that you don’t want to be thinking these things and that you don’t agree with them, so you’re not a bad person. You make me feel safe and I trust you,” Danny said. “If me being here makes you feel better, then I’ll be here, okay?”
Ethan shrugged again. “It’s just… It’s not only the thoughts that are the problem.” He finally looked back at Danny, his eyes reddened. “I… I have obsessive-compulsive disorder.” He paused, as if waiting for Danny to say something, but he didn’t. “Um… And, uh, this stuff is all part of it. M-most people think that OCD is just making things neat and arranging things, but there’s so much more to it than that…”
“I know,” Danny said quietly, and Ethan gave him the smallest hint of a smile. “I can’t stand it when people use it like that… as an adjective, I mean. I know it’s a lot harder than that.”
Ethan nodded. “I hate it so much… There are a lot of aspects to it, but I think the two that are the hardest to deal with are the thoughts and… and how when I feel some kind of sensation on some part of my body, I have to recreate it in the same place on the other side.”
Danny have him a slightly confused look. “What do you mean?”
Ethan sighed. “Like… If I bump my right hand or something, for example, I have to bump my left hand in the same place too, or it just feels wrong. Sometimes it gets really bad, especially when I can’t recreate it exactly. It drives me insane,” he said, kicking at the base of his chair with his heel. He quickly repeated the kick with his other foot and groaned. “It’s sometimes just really hard to deal with. I don’t know how to describe how it feels, but it’s just wrong and I can’t handle it.”
“Is that why you don’t want me to touch you?”
He nodded. “I’m sorry, Danny…”
“Don’t be!” Danny said quickly. “Obviously it’s not something you’re doing on purpose. I’ll do anything to make this easier for you to deal with. Why… why haven’t you asked me not to before?”
“It’s usually not this bad,” Ethan explained. “But there are times when everything is just awful. The thoughts, the sensations… Everything just gets too much. I can’t sleep because every time I lie down, I feel like something bad’s gonna happen, even if it’s something stupid like the ceiling’s gonna fall in on me. But I can’t do much else, because using my phone or my computer involve touching them, and there’s nothing productive I can do that’s completely symmetrical. All I can do is sit here and try to block everything out with music and hope I just get too tired to stay awake any longer. But… but you’re okay with this?”
Danny coughed incredulously. “Ethan, I’m not gonna stop caring about you, or anything, because you’ve got OCD. I want to help you through this as best I can, but I understand if there’s not much I can do. Regardless, I’m here for you, and I always will be. Just let me know if there’s ever anything that will make it easier, yeah? You don’t have to worry about what I think of you, because I think you’re incredible. This doesn’t change that.”
“But you’re such a physical person, Danny,” Ethan countered. “I don’t want to make this too hard for you, especially when you’ve got other people--”
“Ethan.” Danny stood up and took a few steps closer to him. “If you ever need me to not touch you, whether it’s because of your OCD or anything else, I won’t touch you, okay?” He crouched down in front of Ethan. “I care about you, Ethan, not touching you. You said it’s not always this bad, so if you want, I can ask before I touch you.”
“What, every time…?”
Danny shrugged, smiling. “Why not? I’m sure we’ll find a way to make it fun.”
Ethan’s cheeks reddened slightly as he smiled back. “If… if you’re okay with that, then that’d be great.”
“Ethan, it doesn’t matter if I’m okay with it. Now that you’ve told me this, it would be awful of me to touch you if I knew it might cause you so much distress. You’d have every right to cut me out of your life if I kept trying to force that on you.”
Ethan looked at him for a few seconds, before finally speaking.“Stand up and hold still,” he said quietly, gradually getting to his feet as Danny did the same. He moved his hands to Danny’s upper arms, keeping them still for a few seconds. Danny breathed slowly as their eyes met, and the situation suddenly felt far more intimate than anything they had ever shared. He didn’t move as Ethan trailed his hands up to his shoulders and neck, then behind his head. His eyes fell closed as Ethan leaned in and pressed their lips together. After a moment, Ethan pulled back, smiling. “Thank you.”
“Anytime,” Danny said, winking.
Ethan gave a small laugh, his smile fading slightly. “Uhh… You couldn’t wink with the other eye, could you…?”
“Oh!” Danny quickly winked with his other eye.
Ethan blushed slightly. “Sorry. Just… when it’s this bad, sometimes things other people do bother me a bit…”
“That’s okay,” Danny assured him, then tilted his head towards Ethan’s. Taking the hint, Ethan kissed him again, his lips moving softly against Danny’s. “Mm, this is nice…” Danny breathed when Ethan pulled away again. “But it’s really late. Or early, I guess. How are you feeling about sleep now?”
Ethan shrugged. “I guess I could give it a go.” He took his hands away from Danny’s head and rubbed them on his jacket for a few seconds. “Um… I’d appreciate if you stayed, but also if you still didn’t really touch me…”
Danny nodded. “Yeah, of course. Only… well, you know I get a bit clingy when I wake up.”
Ethan chuckled. “That’s fine, I should feel better once I’ve had some sleep. I usually do.”
“If you’re sure,” Danny smiled.
They settled into the bed, Danny lying on his side to face Ethan, who lay flat on his back.
Ethan took a few deep breaths. “I wish I could hold your hand,” he whispered.
“You’ll be okay, Ethan, I promise,” Danny replied. “I’ll make sure nothing happens to you.”
He watched Ethan nod and close his eyes. “Thanks, Danny.”