#shitcunt rambles

[dante-mightdie]

butcher!simon who realises he likes you, and instead of asking you like a normal human being, he just follows you home so he can find out your address. and begins breaking into your flat at night when you’re asleep

digs through your dirty washing so he can sniff your panties and put them in his pocket as a part gift. pulls the covers off you so he can gently touch the exposed skin on your legs and arms

leans in real close to your lips so he can kiss you but poor guy just gets so nervous he can’t do it :( he likes you so much which is why he leaves you gifts in your fridge. cuts of meat you don’t even remember buying

maybe the severed fingers of the guy you went on a date with the other night and randomly stopped messaging you

who said that?

[dante-mightdie]

Got cracked last night by a hairy guy (yum) with big arms and hands and shoulders

Just pretended that it was John Price the whole time

[dante-mightdie]

I feel like simon is the type to off-handedly mention something about his life without realising how actually devastating it is

like on his birthday, when price had the canteen cook up a shit little cake for him, he simply mentioned how he’d never had a birthday cake before. and then he’d blow out the candles and shove two slices down his throat. meanwhile price can’t stop thinking about little simon hoping he’d get one every year the night before his birthday

[dante-mightdie]

I’ve just started the new season of bridgerton and the worms are speaking again

tw: abuse

Simon being the footman to a wealthy viscountess, who has a nasty attitude and a sour face. And he can’t stand her, the way she looks down on him, the way she calls him “man servant” as though he doesn’t have an actual name

Until he finds her in a pool of tears and skirts on the floor, after a viscous fight with the viscount, and what looks like a hand print plastered on the side of your face

And he sees a very different side to you, “please don’t tell anyone.”

“please, simon.”

[dante-mightdie]

Guys… I got dolled up and reluctantly went to my company staff party. Where a guy from head office introduced me to his younger, born and raised Aussie brother

and we were smoking and he was like “this place blows let’s go get a drink somewhere together”

And he kept complimenting me and telling me how pretty I am and then he payed for my cab home, and he asked if he could put his hand on my leg and kiss me goodbye and he messaged me after I got in saying he wants to see me again

🥹🥹🥹

[dante-mightdie]

Blue collar Simon angst?! What are you cooking up in there 😫😫

I’ve got so many ideas!!! And it’s all so heart shattering I’m starting to hate him

I’m thinking about one where his friends don’t like you, so he stops inviting you out to the pub after work, and he’s always getting home late and finding you passed out on the couch wrapped up in a blanket waiting for him, his dinner sat on the table cold night after night :(

one where you find out that the site supervisors daughter starts handling files and stuff on site and that shes Simon’s ex who broke his heart and he’s been hung up on her ever since, never really got over her

one where he goes on a lads holiday and when he comes back he’s all guilty, can’t look you in the eye and keeps shrugging you off. But at the same time he keeps bringing you flowers every day after work, randomly saying things like “you know you’re the best thing that ever happened to me, right?” and when you look through his phone you find out he cheated on you when he was drunk on holiday

I just want my heart broken and my feelings hurt

[dante-mightdie]

Is it fucked up to suggest that 141 are the kind of parents who spell swear words with alphabet food on their kids plate bc they know they can’t read it

simon putting those alphabet nuggets in front of his kids and the plate just spells out “knobhead”

[dante-mightdie]

I fucking hate valentine’s day don’t put no sappy valentines shit on my page

anyways low self-esteem reader who never gets a valentine for the dumb tradition they do every year on base

and one year you get one, it’s anonymous but it really perks you up. you can’t stop chatting the boys ear off about who your mysterious admirer could be and how you’ve never gotten a valentine before…

it’s really gonna break their heart to tell you that they wrote it as a prank :(