You know when someone asks a question you know the answer to, but you're so guarded that you feel it's best not to say anything? But at the same time, the words are burning in your throat, begging to come out. It reminds me of shots running down your throat the first time you try it. You choke up, but nothing comes out anyway. You're fighting to get it out of your system. The worst part is, you never feel ready for it. Isn't that weird?
That's how I feel when I'm with you. Aside, of course, from all of those middle school butterflies and tongue ties. I feel like there's something more that I want to say, but the instinct to protect myself kicks in and I don't say it. I know we're not technically a relationship in that sense of the word, but we're something. And somehow, when you're sleeping next to me, the words slip out and I have no desire to run. I know that you didn't hear me.
You're going to have to forgive me if I ever try to run away. You're going to have to hold on tight and remind me that this is what I want. Even if you have to push me to a wall and lecture me, you have to remind me it's okay to trust someone else.
I feel she messed me up. Molly. Molly messed me up. Now I can't even talk to my best friend without avoiding any personal question. Now I'm the guy no one really knows much about. I loved Molly. I had plans with Molly. We were supposed to be a lot more than just high school sweethearts. I can't look at my high school yearbooks without cringing. She's everywhere. Holding my hand, right next to me at pep rallies. Hell, she's even on the same row as me in every single yearbook picture from Freshman to Senior year.
She moved too fast, and I guess I moved too slow. You know, when you don't get what you want, you should probably move on. Well, that's what she did. Except she didn't completely let go of me first. She cheated on me. In fact, through most of our relationship she cheated on me. And I guess at first I didn't want to believe it. No matter how much people were telling me. That's how blind you can be when you love someone, you know. Everyone can tell you a list of felonies they've committed, and you'll either not believe it or try to think up an excuse as to why they did it.
And when I found out what happened, I excused her. Because I figured I must have done something wrong. Later I just grew angry at her, and keeping things inside seemed different, even if I felt like my head was about to explode.
Honestly, that's how I feel with people. Like there's this thing stuck in my throat that's supposed to be out, but I still keep in there, close to my chest. And I'm sure one day I'm going to explode, but if I push enough people away, maybe no one will get hurt by it.
Don't take it personally if I ever freak out and tell you things I don't mean. Please don't take it personally if you ever say the words to me and I can't say them back. They'll make me choke, they'll make me cry, and I won't be able to get them out. Just know that I do, and just know that me freaking out doesn't mean that I don't want it. It doesn't mean you can't slap me in the face.
