Shower
I’m a fairly non-confrontational person unless I’m in my shower. No one is safe from the feuds that I’m willing to start from the bathroom.
In my shower, I’m a criminal justice lawyer, human rights activist, bully stopper, and pedophile catcher.
Most of the people in my shower are horrendous. Some are sexist pigs who I encounter in line at the Starbucks in my shower. Others are judgemental teenage girls who side-eye me while talking smack with their little Tic Tac teeth.
Witnesses record as I confront my daily shower demons in a viral video that inevitably gets picked up by The Today Show, where I’m invited to speak with Hoda Kotb about how brave I am.
My shower arguments are usually with strangers. But now and again I’m confronted by a relative who said something so passive aggressive one Christmas that I’m forced to confront her shower ghost at least once a quarter.
Occasionally, the people that live in the apartment above me will force their way into my shower. I skip the pleasantries and get straight to the verbal filleting.
“Your stomping has got to end. It sounds like you’re wearing cement shoes up there!” To which they say, “There’s no such thing as cement shoes, bitch!” or “What are you insinuating, bitch?”
They always call me bitch.
To which I cooly reply, “I'm not insinuating anything. I’m s-a-y-i-n-g, you are too loud, and that I’ve reported you to the international counsel of apartment justice... Who’s the bitch now?!?!”
The offenders (i.e., the people in my life who are wrong) always get pretty steamed and fully obliterated by my wit and sarcasm and insults.
It’s not always fun and games though. Sometimes I get so caught up in my arguments that I condition my hair before shampooing or cut a chunk of my leg off with my razor.
I guess that’s the price I pay for being so noble.
