You’ve gotten used to being left behind.
The youngest sibling last at home, the last kid not in a group, the single one, the lonely one, the one no one wants.
It’s fine. You’re being dramatic. It’s not like that at all, not as intentional or as malicious as you make it out to be. It’s just the way the pieces landed and that’s fine. You’ve been like this your whole life and you’re okay with it by now.
You’re okay with the way it feels like everyone else would have someone who cares if they went missing. You’re okay with feeling like a piece of roadkill left on the side of the road. The way people look at you in half sympathy and half morbid curiosity. How it feels like you stink of abandonment, how it warns people off. They’re glad it’s not them and you’re fine that it’s you.
You think it would be fine if someone would just stay too. Not move on to greener pastures. To finally be the greener pasture. The final destination, the goal and not the…stupid yet entertaining pit stop that people got to say “that’s nice” to and then forget. And somehow you still always think they’ll stay. Ignore the signs until they’re already long gone.
So yeah, you are stupid. Because you just can’t seem to kill that small part of you that hopes every time.
Which is why so much dread fills you when you’re introduced to your new squad and they’re nice. Really nice. They remember your name and acknowledge you…all the time. Not just the first day you’re introduced, but every breakfast and lunch and team meeting and training exercise and debrief…they look at you. Talk to you. Listen to you.
Maybe you have a low bar.
You’ve been waiting to fall into the background. Let the funnier and more talented people take the spotlight, let everyone forget you exist and let them leave easy. You’re counting down the hours until they’re gone. It’s no use putting up a fight anymore.
You never quite relax. Always skittish or sitting on the edge of your seat like you’re looking for the first opportunity to run. It just makes them want to anchor you more. Show that you can trust them.
They see the signs. It’s not their first time dealing with a flight risk. They know by the way you look shocked when they ask your opinion, or if you’ll come to an after hours hang out, that you’re waiting for the moment they give up on you.
But it never comes. They never let you disappear.
You finally start to give in to hope. Maybe naively or prematurely, but you’ve been on guard for so long it’s hard to not lean into the warmth they are giving so freely.
Which is why when you’re taken prisoner in an impossible situation, you know there’s no hope for rescue. That what you had feared would finally come.
The situation was too complicated—too dire—to risk. Even conceptualizing your rescue you knew it would be too difficult. No general in their right mind would approve a mission to get a soldier back from the situation you’re in.
At least that’s what you thought until your team busted down the doors.
You can only stare in disbelief as they take down the enemies in the room, trying to remember if you had been given anything that would cause hallucinations.
You’re still questioning when Soap’s warm hands find your wrists, loosening your binds.
“You didn’t really think we’d ever leave you behind, did ya?” He clearly sees your disbelief. His voice has a color of humor, but there’s a softness that lets you know it’s a real question.
You thought for sure they would.
“But—I…Shepherd?” It’s the only think you can think to express your confusion.
Price looks back from his protective stance at the door, hand still firmly on his weapon. “What? You thought a little red tape could keep us from you? It’ll take a lot more than that, I’ll tell you right now.” He explains like it’s obvious.
Ghost is the one that hauls you to your feet, supporting your tired and injured body. “I’ll carry you out of the Sahara myself if I have to.” He thinks and then scans your body, “…do I have to?”
“No, no. I can walk.” You assure him, even if his support might be the only thing keeping you standing right now. He doesn’t let go.
“There’s not a whole lot of places you could go that we wouldn’t follow you.” Is Gaz’s explanation as he hands you a knife. He bumps your chin with his knuckle before falling into line behind Price, already on the move to get you out of there.
It takes countless life-threatening missions, the numerous times they refuse to leave you behind through harrowing odds, the multiple instances they have gone back into heavy fire just to get you back, before you finally start to believe that nothing could possibly take them away from you.