Father’s Day - the perfect time to talk about Family Massage
When most people think about baby massage they think about an activity carried out between mum and baby, a relaxing time to bond and get to know one another. The more keen enthusiasts of skin-to-skin contact will know that massage releases oxytocin or "the love hormone" in mum and baby promoting secure attachment but what about the wider family? Most courses promote baby massage for grandparents, siblings and dads but what are the benefits? Does it run deeper than just letting them "have a go"?
Alongside my courses I have always run a one-off Family Session, a 90 minute class with dads, grandparents or siblings so they can have a go. Mostly this was prompted by seeing my own family massage my daughter and seeing how much they gained from having a go from time to time. However, through trawling through various articles and studies I have since found that their involvement affects their bond with baby on a much deeper level. In this blog post I'll be looking closer at the benefits for dad's and siblings and giving you some tips to get them involved, using the last few weeks of massaging Chester as a point of reference.
Sibling Massage
When a new baby arrives in the family people often overlook bonding time between baby and any siblings, but these guys are going to be together forever, long after we've all left the building! Promoting secure sibling bonding and attachment is an important element of having a new baby and all too frequently parents use "helping out" as a way to give the older child a sense of responsibility. However, grabbing nappies and encouraging big brother or sister to talk to baby when they are unsettled doesn't promote a deep and profound connection between the two in the same way as a relaxing and affectionate activity like massage.
My daughter loves to stroke, cuddle and kiss Chester enthusiastically and massage is a really lovely way for her to do this in a supervised way which also allows her to dictate the boundaries and bond at her own pace and in her own way. Sometimes she will show no interest in getting involved, other times she boisterously blows raspberries on his belly as we massage, other times she will show affection and intimacy which surprises even me and tenderly stroke him in a way I didn't think 2 year olds had the restraint for. The main point of this is that she explores their relationship in a way she has full control over, she is allowed free rein (albeit supervised) to be playful, affectionate or nonplussed in a way that cuddles on the sofa or the occasional pat in the bouncer doesn't allow her.
Aside from sibling bonding, massaging each other also allows them to explore powerful lessons when it comes to touch. We always get siblings to ask permission in the same way as we would ask our babies and teach them to stop if baby isn't happy. We teach them to observe when it comes to how hard or soft baby likes to be massaged and in turn attune them to subtle cues and signals that their siblings exhibit, improving their communication with each other.
If you want to involve your other children in massaging your baby always do so in an age appropriate way that allows them to be involved as much or as little as they want.
Here are some ideas for sibling massage:
Get younger siblings who may feel uncomfortable, or do not have the patience to massage to get involved in setting up the room for you. They can pass you oil, get blankets ready for baby, put the music on or sing songs to baby as you massage them.
Siblings can massage a doll or teddy alongside you and mimic your actions if they don't feel ready to have a go themselves.
Siblings can have their own "special strokes" in the routine, so you can choose moves which you know your child will find easy to carry out and when you come to them in the routine allow them to have their go before continuing with the massage yourself.
As children get older they can be encouraged to draw pictures, write stories or sing songs whilst taking turns to massage each others backs.
Children can lie alongside each other whilst you take it in turn to massage parts of each of them, looking at each other whilst they both have special time with mummy or daddy.
Daddy Massage
Skin to skin contact for dads is slowly being promoted more and more when it comes to newborns. Dad's are encouraged to receive baby after birth should mum be poorly or unable to have skin-to-skin immediately after delivery and indeed my hubby was encouraged to pull Chester out of the water at his birth. This contact not only empowers a father but encourages involvement from the earliest possible stage.
On a practical level massage provides dad's with something to do, in a time when most primary needs such as feeding, comforting etc are mainly fulfilled by mum. However, I often found it a little patronising when instructors cited this as the main reason for dad's to get involved and really wanted to root out a more fundamental explanation for the importance of paternal skin-to-skin... then I learnt about vasopressin.
Vasopressin is released in response to nearness and touch (such as massage), and promotes bonding between the father and the mother, helps the father recognize and bond to his baby, and makes him want to be part of the family, rather than alone. Much as oxytocin does in the mother, it encourages a family wide bond and promotes stability and urge to protect. It is an extremely powerful hormone which counteracts and tempers testosterone production.
From my own experience of teaching massage to dad's and watching my own husband massage my children, babies prefer massage from dad's no matter how infrequent they may be. It can sometimes be hard to get dad's to want to have a go but I promise after one massage they will be hooked. Dad's big hands and confident touch are extremely reassuring to baby.
Spending time close to their babies, interacting and touching their babies really boosts confidence. Chester loves some close time with his dad and as this is our second child it is all too easy for my husband to spend his time tending to no.1 whilst I look after the baby, this gives him some special time with the new addition. Its also extremely intimate for us to massage our new baby together and it really feels like some nice time together as a couple admiring our beautiful boy.
So next time your reach for the oil drag dad or brother/sister along for the ride to! You may find you never get a look in again!
