#silentmiscarriage

[melissaurr]

Dear Squish

From the moment I found out you were inside of me, I fell in love with you. I felt you growing and I loved you more. I talked to you every night and told you our dreams for your life. I prayed that you would be strong and healthy. You were a part of me like nothing else ever has been before. But you weren’t able to be strong, and your heart gave out so early. Today you’re no longer a part of me and I am empty. I had to say the hardest goodbye to you. I didn’t get to hold onto you for very long, but I know I will love you forever. you have given us hope that someday soon I will be whole again, and be able to feel the pure joy you have given us. Thank you for letting me be your mother, if only for a brief time, but in my heart forever.

[omgamericangirlinjapan-blog]

Silent Miscarriage

When I went to go see the 2nd doctor he performed a transvaginal ultrasound. I was really hoping this would change something... but it didn’t. There was nothing. No sac, no heartbeat. Just an empty black hole. So he guessed that this is a silent miscarriage, but that I should come back next week for another ultrasound just to be safe.

Next week, same diagnosis. Nothing. And now I’m just waiting for my body to naturally expel all this blood and whatever formed inside of me. (Where’s my wine?)

I had a dream this morning. In the dream, hubby was sleeping to my right and he looked so peaceful and I was holding what seemed like a 2-year-old boy (definite on the boy part) on my lap. I was holding him like I was giving him a hug and it was so comforting. My gaze went towards hubby to check on him and for that moment, everything was perfect.

I heard many people say that they had miscarriages, so it seems like a very normal thing, but still... whether it’s rare or common doesn’t alleviate the sense of loss and sadness.