Can't sleep. Too many thoughts. Already cried a little. What I would normally do at a time like this is to write in my journal. However, I can't remember where I put it. So I thought of just writing down my thoughts here.
I realized na when people are out of my life na, whether it be because of me leaving them or them leaving me, I eventually long for them. Even if they were toxic or did me no good. I don't know why. It's tiring kasi,,, I don't wanna feel this way? Ano yun, strong independent woman sa umaga, soft baby girl sa gabi?
For example, my former fuck buddy Danielle. The sex was great. Really fucking great. But other than that, we weren't doing so good. Long story short she ended it. We didn't quite end on good terms, and that's fine. It happens. But tonight, I really miss her. Or maybe I miss the sex. I don't know. Because the universe won't do me that solid of letting me easily discern whether I miss her, or just the feel of her lips on mine and her fingers inside me.
It's frustrating - this feeling that something is missing. The constant need for some sort of genuine connection is annoying, and yet I flinch at the slightest possibility of forming one with someone. I don't want to want someone. I don't want to miss people who are no longer in my life. Because what is the point? Tatanggapin ko siguro yung nararamdaman ko kung alam ko sana anong dapat kong gawin about it. Something has to come out of it, or I'll go crazy.
Magulo ba? I think yes. Kasi that's how I feel right now.