dating. i think.
I've gone round and round about whether I should open up all of this to my dating life. or, should I say: "attempts at such". Conclusion: absolutely. at the end of the day, it's about what I someday want my daughter to know, right.. I mean- she is half the reason I started this. and here's why: Every day, regardless of what kind of day it is- lazy, busy, crazy, shitty, amazing.. at least once, there is this thought: what would my mother say/do/think/wish. -which I think is a pretty normal thing for daughters, and typically, prompts a visit. A phone call. facebook post. text, something. That's what we do. Even if we're pissed at her/we know we may not get off the phone for a half hour and-i-don't-have- the-time-she's going to ask me about that one thing- thing. My mom doesn't know what texts are. or facebook. or cell phones. only because she's been gone for 20 years. and every damn day, I wait for an answer. or try to figure out what she'd do in a particular situation. It INFURIATES me that I don't know her for the woman she was. Not necessarily just as my mother, but her,- apart - from motherhood. and I never will. But for Moo- I'd like to leave some window of myself.. kind of like an online shadowbox, as cheesy as that sounds. its the easiest way i can express- in one place, my thoughts, beliefs, what/who I love, the grittiness/beauty of life. What if something happens to me and I never get that chance? I won't allow it. in the least, I can make use of the technology I sometimes despise (bittersweet). So. Here we are. 37. Divorced. Dating? With a 2 1/2 yr old. (insert guffaw) -who knew. This is much, much different than I remember in my early 30's, sans Moo. It's been... a little hellish, even. Fuck. a lot hellish. In another post I will get to my assumptions/findings over the last year, but for now, I think I'll just insert an email I got back today. Of course, given my time constraints, I've been on and off an online dating website for quite a few months. Holy terror. To sum things up for today- what I find fucking HILARIOUS about this guy is his complete ambivalence to the fact that a few years from now, he's going to wake up, at like, 45 and ask himself, "why oh why am I alone and I want to have kids but I'm too old now?" shit. ps. these emails happen often enough for me to be just a bit disgusted, but i digress... read on..