CHICKEN MAYO DOUGHNUT Yass Queen, slay! Chicken slayo, Queen! Yass! Such fond feelings for the notion, the movement, the formation. Chicken Mayo. Yass Queen! Uh, breaker breaker can I get a thread count on that chicken to mayo ratio? What tog, Captain? Do you read me!? *Radio silence* Doesn’t matter, minion. It is fast and lo it is loose. It doesn’t matter if the path is stable, the quicksand ain’t that quick, honey. Let the stones in the babbling brook light your way as you dip your boot in mayo between chicken fixtures just for the change of terrain. Variety is the seven secret spices of life. Now normally the term “loose” to describe something mayo based would be an abomination but for chicken mayo I’ll look the other way. It’s fast clement loose loose chomp chomp mulch of the pengest order. It’s night night nom nom nubs. A beige chicken mayo baguette grouted by palette knife? I wanna ball it up in my fist and throw wads of it up to fix forever on the cubicle ceiling. Celebratory, like. It’s the length that I long to continue. Folding it in forever. Standing on one leg playing it like Jethro Tull whilst Dads fawn for it throughout the auditorium. “This one’s called LIMITLESS!” *stomps on pedal* {baguette extends infinitely with the zest of a recoiling tape measure} ZIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPP. Now what we talk about when we talk about chicken mayo is a supermarket sandwich. It’s entry level, price wise and you’re more or less a dolt if you aim any higher. Packaged sandwiches = chilled to neutral and the taste ceiling is so low that you might as well become your inner pond skater. £3+ supermarket sandwiches are a myth. Circa £2 chicken mayo packaged sandwiches are touchstones, life forms, lifestyles. I’m open, fully open even, to artisanal chicken mayo sandwiches. If I saw a £12 chicken mayo baguette on a menu I’d order the fuck out of it. Just to feel something. Currently killing it on the sandwich front in Manchester is Siop Shop. Straight up delishcore sandwiches bagged and piled high ready for you to eat in or take away. They did a chicken mayo sanger and it was dreams. £5er for weighty instant sandwich gains, hand-forged with due diligence and sneeping, bubbling swamp-like WHEN PRESSED, through the natural “crumb” pockets of locally baked sourdough. Talking the open spores aka holes that are indicative of quality sourdough. More bread = less bread. Being open to terrains, advancements, and change, the inconsistency of the slats (no two slices are the same) only serve to make me feel more alive. Would you rather skirt along the flattest plains without any indifference on the horizon for you to gain sense of perspective? OR would you rather your fingertips were whetted by an unexpected mayo geyser due to the artisanal moon surface lawlessness of charming sourdough? I’ll have a latte and the latter! Anyways, I often think about the Siop Shop chicken mayo (it was gr8). Recently they posted up a photograph of a strawberries and cream “sandwich” doughnut that read, on first glance, as a savoury doughnut situation. It got the cogs whirring. Blawd (Welsh for flour) is the on site bakery arm of Siop Shop and they are famed in these quarters (Manchester) for their impeccable doughnuts. Light as a lid, sugared clouds anchored to plate, or napkin, by the fabulousness of their various innards. Winnards. Yass Queen, slay. I got on the blower to Iwan, close personal friend, from Siop Shop and asked him if he’d do a chicken mayo doughnut. Yass Queen, he replied...way! Now I wanna say that this isn’t (at present) a menu option, it might not even be a menu hack option, but the heart wants what the heart wants and to me it felt inevitable. Lucy and Iwan of Siop Shop have a far healthier sensibility than I - but gladly enable. INFRASTRUCTURE Spliced sugared doughnut Roast chicken Lettuce Mayo DISCLAIMER I’ve got a bit of a cold so can’t really taste or smell stuff. So in this moment I’m more about texture, feelings and #mood. A man without a mouth, if you will. Padding food with my paws. Instinct, focus through sensory depletion. Unwavering. Quavers. THE MAIN ACT Looks tidy. Build integrity, as well you might expect, is keen. The lettuce and chicken poke their heads out of the doughnut alternately like synchronised swimmers. Bravo. The rhythm of the night. The hum of the city. It’s a bouncing baby boy/girl at a healthy birth weight and it looks the ticket. Let’s have a bite. Texture. Crunch. Tone. Sugar crystals. Water capsule release from the iceberg lettuce. Bursting in my mouth like a lil water balloon. Mayo. Friend. Cooling agent. The white stuff. Cocaine. I wanna say umami. Mum, can I say umami? You get the sugary sweet of the doughnut everywhere but then the calm of the mayo and the saltiness of the chicken. I could change channels / roads in my head...switch between them, Choose Your Own Adventure style. If I wanted to taste sweet I just closed my eyes *finger snap* NOW SALTY! Sweet! Salty! Sweet and salted popcorn? You’re not so different you and I. The lettuce is fun here cos it adds crunch. It makes sense somehow. Nice dough boy punctuation. The chicken acts as beige milk, a chalky wall surface you can rest your forehead against - cool, like the mayo. Calm seas. The doughnut is an airy cushion, it’s lighter than any bread you care to fathom. The whole experience is clean, clinical, pocket-sized. It’s weird, don’t get me wrong, but it is interesting. Is it necessary? It was, at the time. Chicken mayo and advancements in the field are always necessary. This isn’t some dirty greasy burger in a krispy kreme shite. It’s a finesse avant parcel. Fusion blenge that if you can handle sweet and savoury channel hopping you’ll likely be on board with. I wanna note that the chicken mayo here was long form piece-wise and not the kind where the chunks, for want of a better better, come laden in the formula (mayo). The mayo was a bed with lettuce as the groundsheet and chicken as the duvet. I guess the sugar on the doughnut was the stars in the sky. Lol. All in all, a good innings. Neat twisty shapeshifting fun. Eight out of ten cats.