Not Just Another Letter
Dropped Thread: Sirius & Regulus Black
Corridor - 3 October 1977
The letter came at breakfast but Regulus rarely read them then. He hadn’t for years, not since his brother had left home. At first he’d tried to stop reading them altogether; then he read them in secret, not wanting people to know he still cared so much for his brother. Now it was just habit. He and Sirius had more than reconciled but that wasn’t exactly common knowledge. It couldn’t be, not if Regulus intended to keep Sirius as safe as he could. His brother didn’t need any help attracting negative attention from the people Regulus called friends. And so when this letter dropped in front of his plate, he pocketed it with the intention of reading it when he went back to his dorm to fetch his things for class.
It was halfway through the first class period when he could finally move again, when he could drag his mind into some form of coherent thought and process what he had read, what he was feeling. When he finally did, one thought was foremost in his mind. He needed to see Sirius. Now.
Best he could remember, his brother had History of Magic in this slot and he all but ran through the castle to Professor Binns’ classroom. He didn’t even have a plan in mind, a lie or a ruse to get Sirius out of class. He just needed to see him. Knocking on the door he stuck his head into the room, scanning it until he saw Sirius.
“My boy, can I help you? You’re not meant to be in this class.” The ghost in front of the room had noticed him and as he called attention to him, Regulus had nothing to say. Nothing coherent anyway.
“Please, sir,” he began, his normally steady voice the tiniest bit out of his control. “Sirius -” he struggled for a lie, an excuse, anything “ - the - uh - the Headmaster -” It was the best he could do, and his eyes searched for Sirius’, this time pleading for assistance in addition to showing his brother how desperately he needed to see him.
Sirius wasn’t sure how he felt. He felt both calmer and irrationally irritable at the same time having sent that letter. He’d never told anyone about the things he’d said in it before, and even now knowing it was out of his hands, he still wasn’t sure he should have sent it. He didn’t know what Reggie would think or, fuck, what he might do. That was the worst of it, not knowing how it would be received. He wished he could have told him in person, but he’d never be able to find the words to speak them out loud and he knew it. But not being there, having this be so impersonal…. Well, he’d just have to see.
It was strange going back to classes now, and part of him wished he hadn’t. He was antsy and restless, even though he was sitting in his favorite class. He didn’t think he’d ever been so grateful for Marlene’s presence in that class as he was for it today. She didn’t know what he’d done, and even if he’d said he sent a letter she would have had no idea how heavy its contents were. But even without knowing, she reached under the table and took his hand, running her fingers over his skin and it calmed him. It took the edge off and he needed it.
He wasn’t the only one startled by the interruption that never came, especially in this class. His eyes widened when he saw his little brother. Regulus looked pale and shaken, at least to Sirius. To anyone else, he probably looked as calm and collected as ever. But that stutter, that tiny hesitation of words and the minuscule waver in his voice told Sirius everything he needed to know.
He sighed heavily, pretending to be annoyed, and stood. “Merlin, thought I’d gotten it past him this time.” He waved his brother off with a roll of his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I’m comin’.” He flashed a grin at Professor Binns. “I’ll read all about it for next time, yeah? Gotta be prepared.” Of course, he’d already read it. Professor Binns barely seemed to take any mind of him leaving; they got on well anyway, so he wouldn’t have raised a fuss even if he were more strict about discipline.
Sirius’ steps were deliberately casual as he followed his little brother out of the classroom but the second they were alone, his pretense dropped. “Baby, what’s wrong?” He knew very well what he thought was wrong, given the timing, but if Regulus was freaking out - which he was - then Sirius knew he needed to be calm. He reached out to grab his shoulders gently. “Hey, it’s ok. Everything’s ok.”
Regulus couldn’t process this, couldn’t think. He was always so logical and rational and he analyzed everything but now he was simply swirling around in a vast array of disjointed thoughts and feelings and fears and he couldn’t make sense of any of it. He didn’t know which end was up anymore and what’s more, he didn’t know what he could hold on to to keep him from drowning in it all. He wasn’t even sure why he needed to see his brother so desperately, how to justify the panic that had risen in his chest. The contents of the letter had been horrible, life altering even, but the events they discussed took place almost two ears ago. He had seen Sirius since then, had spoken to him and held him and had seen that the older wizard was alive and well and remarkably well adjusted for someone who had endured what he had.
But all the same, Regulus needed to see him. As if sometime between the moment he got the letter until now, Sirius may have fallen apart on him, as if in this short time he could have been completely lost.
Sirius reacted to his presence at the classroom door as if any other prefect were collecting him to be punished for any other prank, a regular occurrence no one would think twice on, and Regulus was so grateful that his brother could keep himself together when he was falling to pieces. He didn’t walk far into the hall, just far enough that Sirius could join him well clear of the classroom door and once they were in relative privacy, the sorry excuse for composure he’d been holding onto dropped completely. Sirius put his hands on his shoulders and he reached up to grip his brother’s wrists, as if he needed to know he was really there and was really real and this hadn’t all just been some hideous dream.
What’s wrong? What’s wrong? Everything. Everything was wrong and Reggie wanted to scream with how wrong everything was but he couldn’t even get out a single word. He stood there, mouth opening and closing as he tried to even figure out where to start explaining the panic that was lodged in his throat. When he knew he couldn’t, he shook his head and released Sirius’ hands, throwing himself into his brother’s arms. He buried his face against the older boy’s neck the way he’d done when he was a child. "I’m sorry I didn’t say it back,“ he found himself saying, his voice muffled against Sirius’ neck. That night, that hideous, awful, miserable night when Sirius had left, his brother had told him he loved him and Sirius had said nothing. Even when they reunited, when Regulus told him he loved him, he hadn’t realized what he was doing. Only when he read that letter, when he knew everything about that night, did he realize what he’d done. "I should’ve known, I should’ve seen - I didn’t - and you - I should’ve said it back. You should’ve had that, when you went. I’m so sorry.”
Sirius had not expected this, for this level of panic to be pushed in to Regulus’ chest after reading that letter. He’d never doubted for a second that he wanted to tell him, that he wanted Regulus to know how much he trusted him still, but maybe it was wrong to do it like this. Maybe he shouldn’t have told him so soon or in a letter rather than in person. Maybe he should have found a way to say it aloud. But none of that would fix the look of terror on his baby’s face.
He hadn’t expected Regulus to throw himself in his arms, but he caught him instantly and hugged him as fiercely as he could manage. He pressed gentle kisses to his brother’s temple, reminding him as much as he could that he was there. He’d done the same thing a thousand times when they were young and Reggie was scared or had bad dreams, before he learned to lock himself away inside his head. He hoped it wasn’t so long ago that his brother didn’t remember it, that he’d know what he was trying to say with the gesture even if he didn’t express it out loud.
Sirius’ breath caught slightly when Regulus started apologizing. Remember the night he left home ached constantly, but that had always been the worst part. That had torn him to shreds and left him doubting not only his brother’s love for him, but his love for everyone else. It had been a downward spiral of emotional turmoil that had taken those around him years to begin to understand, and it had started with the silent rejection Regulus spoke of. But that didn’t make it his fault. He’d only been fourteen and Sirius had never told him how bad things had gotten so he wouldn’t understand. He hadn’t wanted him to, hadn’t thought he ought to need to understand.
He stroked his brother’s hair gently and shook his head. “I had it,” he murmured in return. “I had it, baby. I know. I don’t doubt it at all, not for a second.” He had, but not now. Not after everything else. He pulled back to look his brother in the eye, his hands on either side of his face. He hushed him gently, his thumbs brushing over his cheeks. “Baby, I’m ok. Yeah? Look at me. I’m fine. I’m ok.” His voice was soft, as calming as he could make it. “It’s not your fault. You know that, don’t you? None of what happened in that house had anything at all to do with you. Nothing you did or didn’t do could have stopped it. It’s ok. Breathe, baby. Just breathe. Everything’s going to be fine.”
He knew that this would put Sirius on guard, that seeing him like this would bring out every protective and comforting instinct the older boy had ever had, that this was the worst it had been since they were kids between them. In this direction at least. More than once in the short month they’d been in school, Regulus had been the one holding and Sirius the one needing to be held, but now Regulus clung to his brother like an anchor in a storm. He felt his brother’s lips against his temple and he knew what they meant, felt it deep into his bones, and they helped now as they had then. They steadied him, assured him that Sirius was there, he was really there, and he would be as long as Regulus needed him.
He shook his head against his brother’s assurances, knowing they weren’t true. Not completely. He knew now, that Regulus loved him, the younger wizard had made sure of it. But of the two years between that night and the beginning of this term? "Don’t do that,“ Regulus implored. "Don’t - don’t sugarcoat it because I’m upset. Just because you know it’s true now, you believe now - you needed me, Sirius. You - You were always there when we were growing up, even when I was a prat or I preened because Moth - ” he stumbled over that word. Mother. " - because she suddenly decided I was that favorite - you were always fucking there and I - you needed me and I didn’t say a word.“
He only realized as his brother told him to breathe that he hadn’t been and he made a concerted effort to do that, focusing on drawing breath in and out. As oxygen returned to his brain, he did finally start making some logical thought processes. "I couldn’t have stopped it,” he agreed. He knew that, he wasn’t meant to have stopped it. But he could have done something. "I could have been there. I could have - “ he didn’t know how to put it into words, how to explain the distinction he had in his mind. "I could have been your brother,” he attempted. "Not her son.“
Sirius sighed when his brother rebelled against what he was saying. He’d half expected that. But what could he say? How could he possibly explain just how horrible that night had been, how devastating it had been to be denied the one thing he’d wanted to have before he left for good? But he hadn’t explained then, hadn’t told Regulus why it was so important that he know and understand that Sirius loved him. He’d been barely more than a child at the time - what other response could really have been expected for a fourteen year old? He’d have said the same thing to Regulus whether or not he was upset, though that he was so shaken was terrible to watch. But he was asking his brother for the truth, and Sirius had never been able to deny him anything.
He sighed heavily and shook his head, at a loss for words for a moment. He carefully brushed his brother’s hair back from his face while he tried to find the words that he needed. He hated how difficult words were for him still, even here when he needed them. Regulus understood words, clung to them the way Sirius did physical expression, and he needed to make sure they were the right ones before he gave them. Nearly a full minute passed before he spoke again. “It hurt,” he admitted gently. “More than I can tell you. And it scared the hell out of me that maybe I was wrong, that maybe your love was as conditional as theirs. I stopped sayin’ it to other people. Didn’t say it once til I saw you last month, not ever. Thought if there was even a chance you didn’t…well, then I didn’t want anyone else to either. Didn’t want to love anyone if it wasn’t enough for you. It felt wrong. But that’s not on you, baby. That’s on me. That’s on me bein’ stupid and thick and not knowin’ people could show it and not say it. You tried steppin’ between me an’ her more than once. You let me sit with you when I couldn’t handle it anymore. I pulled away first, Reggie, not you.”
Hearing his brother take in that first deeper breath was good, but it wasn’t enough yet. He pulled Regulus back in to his arms, his hand rubbing gently between his brother’s shoulders. “You were there,” he insisted. “Fuckin’ prat that you were sometimes,” he teased very gently, “you were still there. Always been my brother even if some days you didn’t wanna be. It’s not somethin’ your attitude can change, baby. I knew that. One of the only lessons she ever taught me what stuck. This shit…it’s on her, Reggie. Not you. Never you.”
As much as it hurt - and it did - Regulus was thankful that Sirius didn’t argue with him, didn’t deny him the truth he’d been afraid to hear. For too long he’d been the protected second son, the one who only reacted to the things around him instead of being a part of them. He had been a part of this, without realizing it, and he had hurt the one person who had always meant the most to him. "I let you go,“ he returned, knowing that it was the past and it couldn’t be fixed or changed but needing to say this anyway. "You wrote me, once you left. I could have answered, I could have asked why or I could have told you it was okay and I didn’t. I thought - I didn’t think. That’s the problem. I didn’t think and I didn’t know what I’d done. Nothing you could ever do could make me stop loving you, Sirius. You know that, right? I mean - you really know it? For good this time? Even if I’m a prat again and I mess everything up - ” And he would. That was the scary part. They both knew he would, both knew that he would, though night of them would say it, and he suddenly needed Sirius to know that even when that happened, he would never stop loving him.
When Sirius pulled him back in, he went willingly, his arms wrapped tight around his brother’s waist and his face buried against the older boy’s shoulder. He chuckled thickly was Sirius called him a prat, tightening his arms for a moment. "I should have been a better one, then,“ he said. It wasn’t an argument or a protest, it was a statement of what he considered fact. "I should have been the brother you taught me to be.”
“You were a kid, baby. Fuck, you’re still a kid in some ways. It’s okay.” Yes, it had hurt like hell that Regulus had stopped writing, and not knowing if he even read them was worse, but at least he understood that much. He hadn’t entirely expected Regulus to write, and it really was alright, but he also didn’t know if he’d take that answer. “Knowin’ you read them makes all the difference,” he added after a moment, his voice still soft. “Not knowin’ if you did killed me, but not enough to stop writin’. Once I started again, I couldn’t stop. I just…I shoulda told you, baby, I’m sorry. I shoulda said it wasn’t your fault. I just didn’t want to think about it anymore, y’know? But you deserved better. You’re not the only one what fucked up.”
He knew what those questions were about without needing clarification, and he knew he didn’t stop the look of pain from crossing his face before Regulus saw it. He hadn’t meant to show him that, how terrified he was of what lay ahead of them, but Reggie wanted honesty. So he was going to get it. He cupped his brother’s face in his hand and sighed, but he nodded. “Yeah, baby. I know. Always.” He hesitated, not sure if he should continue, but he didn’t think it would do more harm than good, so he might as well. “I know what you want to choose, Reggie. M’not stupid. I saw that stuff you’ve got hangin’ in your room. You’ve wanted it for years. It scares the fuck out of me, it does. But I can’t stop you. I know that. It won’t stop me lovin’ you. Never could. And it won’t make you less my brother. You know that, right? Whatever you do. I fuckin’ meant it. Still do.”
He rubbed Regulus’ back when his brother clung to him and peppered kisses against his hair. He was glad to hear him laugh, even as subdued as it was. “You’re plenty good. You’re the only brother I ever wanted. Even when you were bein’ a piece of shit. You’re my baby. Brat and all.” He tightened his hold on him a little, clinging to him. “M’not perfect. We both know it. I fucked up worse than you ever did. You’re still perfect to me. Can’t change it. Not ever.”
Sirius might have used his youth to explain away how he’d acted but Regulus couldn’t let himself off so easily. His brother meant so much to him, he loved no one with the same passion and the same strength, youth didn’t excuse betraying that. He’d been selfish and stupid, there was not other way to explain it. When Sirius mentioned his letters, Regulus couldn’t help but jump in to assure him of that. "I read every one,“ he promised with a fervor that was more than necessary. "Merlin, Sirius, I read them like they were a life line. The only thing I had left of you. I don’t know what I’d have done if you stopped writing.” He’d clung to those letters in their time apart, trying to fool himself into thinking it was only due to morbid curiosity that he read them so voraciously, but knowing all along it was because of how much he missed his brother.
Regulus didn’t know if Sirius would address the subject he himself was so terrified to bring up but when he did, the younger boy could feel his stomach tie itself in knots. He believed so strongly in his choices, in the things he wanted out of his life, but all of that paled in comparison to one over arching fear that sat in the pit of his stomach. As his brother spoke, his hand pressed to Reg’s cheek, Regulus tangled a fist in his brother’s cloak as if holding on to keep from being swept away by the future they now spoke of. "I don’t want to lose you, Siri,“ he said finally. "When I - when we leave here and the real world takes over, I don’t want anything like I don’t want to lose you.” The words he spoke now were dangerous, words that could get him and Sirius killed if heard by the wrong people. They were words he swore he’d never say but now he couldn’t keep them in. "How do I do what I believe in but not lose you to it?“
As he clung to Sirius, wrapped in his arms, he was loathe to ever let go. Hearing him call him baby, a nickname so far out of date and yet still so comforting and perfect. "You’re perfect to me,” he said, echoing Sirius’ words at the same time he protested his older brother’s view of himself. "Love you Sirius. So fucking much. Always will.“
He knew Reggie read them. He knew he wouldn’t have decided to just the one time he happened to ask his brother to come see him. He knew he’d read them all or at least almost all of them, but hearing it said with such vehemence made it easier. It made him smile softer and more easily, knowing Regulus had been as desperate to get them as he’d been to send them all this time. The rest really just didn’t matter. Not anymore. It was all behind him and he wanted desperately for it to stay that way.
He felt his brother’s fist in his cloak and pressed just a little closer, trying to ease some of the anxiety he could see in his little brother’s face. What he was saying hurt like hell. For a moment, he didn’t know how to answer him. He had no idea what to say and he knew it showed. He took in a breath and tried not to let it be as unsteady as it was, but in the end he had no control over it. He brushed his hand over Reggie’s hair and shook his head, his expression falling. “I don’t want that life for you, baby,” he whispered. “I don’t want that darkness for you. All that pain and destruction, all the horrible things they do, I don’t fuckin’ want it for you. And I’d do anything to keep you from it, but I can’t. I just can’t…. It’s your choice and I know that, it’s just…” He looked away from him, his eyes anywhere but his brother’s face while he pushed back the urge his eyes felt to tear. They burned but that was all. He never really had control unless it came to Reggie, but even then there was much left to be desired. “I don’t…. I can’t support them, Reggie. I can’t. It scares the fuck out of me thinkin’ you’ll be with them. But you won’t ever lose me no matter what you do. I know they want me dead, I know it. I knew it before I left that this was what I was choosin’. But I won’t just lie down and die. I won’t, not if I don’t have to.” He looked back up and he didn’t say what was on his mind, but it was plain as day on his face.
He was begging. He was silently begging his brother with the words he couldn’t let himself say. Please don’t do this, baby. Please for the love of everything don’t fucking do this. He’d have given anything to be able to say it, but he couldn’t. This wasn’t his choice to make.
Hearing Regulus promise he loved him was the only thing that eased the ache that was back in his chest, wrought from the knowledge of the pain that was going to come to them far too soon. “I know,” he whispered back. “Promise I won’t forget this time.”
Sirius didn’t speak right away, Regulus could see that he had no answer to give, and it scared him. He was so terrified there was no answer to the question he’d asked. His brother and his ideals stood at such opposite ends of the spectrum, he knew deep in his chest there was no way to have one and the other without something being compromised. He knew his brother didn’t approve of his choices but this was the first time he’d said it like this. Straight out without being wrapped in other meanings and different conversations. This was the first time he’d told him in no uncertain terms that he didn’t want him to choose the Death Eaters. And in this moment, Regulus found it hard to remember his ideals and his beliefs and his opinions in light of his love for his brother. When Sirius had been gone, in the two years they didn’t speak, it had been easy to say Sirius made his choice and Regulus made his and they were each upholding their beliefs. But now, clinging to Sirius like a drowning man to a board, Regulus found it hard to care for his ideals when the alternative was staying with his brother. He wanted to answer, wnated to so badly, but couldn’t. If he did he would promise Sirius he wouldn’t do it. He would compromise every belief he had in the kind of world he wanted to live in just for the chance to stay in his brother’s arms without threat to either of them. It took every last ounce of self control he had not to do it, but he simply bit his lip and pulled himself back into his brother’s arms, hiding his face in his chest and cursing the way his shoulders shook with the strength it took to stay silent.
“I won’t let anything happen to you, if I can,” he promised gruffly, his voice thick against Sirius’ neck, the tears he wouldn’t cry clogging his voice instead. "I know what you asked Alecto but it won’t come to that. I won’t let it.“ It was the best he could give him. And it was blasphemy of the highest order, but Regulus knew without a doubt that if the choice was to watch Sirius be killed, he would betray any belief he ever held to keep the older boy from harm.
Pulling away just enough that he could make sure his eyes met Sirius, he added. "Won’t stop saying it long enough for you to forget,” he promised, his voice soft but his eyes fierce with the promise.
[ dropped thread ]
