#skai wrote

[skaiwrites]

when i think about what it means to be queer, i think about resting my head on my best friend's lap in the high school cafeteria when i was unbearably sick but had to come to school anyways because it was finals week, and i remember that a few weeks earlier he told me he might be bisexual because he thought me and Brendan Urie were really hot, and i remembering thinking this guy thinks i'm hot and here i am pale and sweaty, head in his lap in front of the whole school

when i think about being queer, i think about the time i had to present at the school science fair, and i started hyperventilating in my room looking at myself in the mirror wearing men's dress clothes; i think about my boyfriend at the time texting the head of the school's queer spectrum alliance club about it, and how 10 minutes later i had 12 different outfits from 12 different students to choose from to wear instead, no questions asked

when i think about being queer i think about getting so caught up in a make-out session in the woods with a friend that we lost track of time and i ended up being 10 minutes late to physics the day before our midterm and had to ask to borrow a pencil and paper to take notes. i got a 93 on that midterm btw

when i think about being queer i think about how i didn't want to watch a movie alone, and one 16 hour date and 5 years later, i'm engaged to one of the most incredible men i've ever met

when i think about being queer, i think about how in April of 2020, after being kicked out of my college dorms due to covid, i told my friend, a nonbinary lesbian married to a transgender man, that i couldn't handle getting misgendered at home anymore, in less than an hour i was in their car, on my way to the house they were living at, where they said i could stay as long as i needed

when i think about being queer, i think about how when that ended up not being true, when the owner of that house kicked me out, i texted my now and also then ex boyfriend, and again, in less than an hour, i was in a car, on my way to his house where i could stay as long as i needed.

when i think about being queer, i think about a few months later, sitting at his kitchen table, him calling me a motherfucker because i accidentally tugged too hard emptying his drains from top surgery. sorry about that, btw

when i think about being queer, i think about trying to give my fiance his first T shot and it turning into a multi day ordeal because the pharmacy gave him the wrong needles, but ultimately my sister in law was able to do it for him. i think about how for the past year i've driven him to Park West pharmacy, owned and operated by trans people, and they've given him his shot because he doesn't like doing it himself.

when i think about being queer, i think about the road trip i took a few years ago to visit my friends, and even though we're mostly all "queer content creators" to the outside world, we didn't end up creating any content at all; we hung out, i slept on their couches, they bought me food, we played games, and we were happy

[skaiwrites]

i'm posting this everywhere else but i do think tumblr is the one place people will really appreciate the long pause

[skaiwrites]

starting today i'm going to be doing little writing exercises every day and posting them for free to my patreon in between sessions of working on bigger projects!

[skaiwrites]

i know they just display whatever the numbers are, but every month Patreon shows me my earnings fluctuating by a few cents (one of my subscribers pays in Euros so it's always a little off as the exchange rate changes thru the weeks) and the little green color makes it seem so hopeful. "you made an extra 1¢ this month! things are looking up!!!" lol

[skaiwrites]

writing a story where the one of the first things we see is the mc almost dying from suffocation. then we see them have many conversations in which it is clear they view talking to others with the same anxiety they felt while asphyxiating.

which is normal.

[skaiwrites]

75 word sentence entirely contained within another sentence's parentheses. i'm so fucking back

[skaiwrites]

little ongoing writing project: With and Without You

only a couple pages right now. i'll make sure to reblog this post whenever there's a new addition. if you don't want to read the very brief description and instead want to skip straight to page 1, feel free to.

[skaiwrites]

wrote a silly little thing about superpowers. copy below:

hi, uhh, i go by James, and my superpower—

i don't want to call it that. it's not even really an ability and i really don't like calling it a power. it's more something that happens to me, or i guess is just a thing that is true about me?

my uh, super trait is that. well, i kind of just always have whatever i need.

it started a couple years ago with just simple things: i realized i forgot a pen and then lo and behold a pen made its way into my hand.

it's kind of… escalated since then, um, as i'm sure you can tell, what with the still beating heart of. um. someone??? that you took from my hands just a few minutes ago. it did stop beating, right? i am Not in a headspace to find out that what i needed today is a magic heart that always beats, so i've been operating under the assumption that the forces of the universe decided i needed someone dead and that's just how they carried it out, hopefully someone bad. jeez i'd hate to find out it's like someone's progressive grandma. has anyone checked on the mayor yet today by the way? um, no reason. but yeah even though definitely worse to just assume there's a dead guy—or girl i guess, dead person; did we find out who it belongs to by the way? are we sure it was a human heart? anyways it's still easier for me to accept that than me needing a magic beating heart for some reason.

oh right, you wanted to know about my super trait. you just want to know about the heart? man, you know just as much about the heart as i do, but i can tell you how it got there i guess.

well after the pen incident, which i initially brushed off as just a brain fart moment. i thought i forgot that i actually didn't forget a pen. it was a whole thing.

anyway, after the pen incident i was walking home when i tripped on a crack in the sidewalk, and as i was stumbling a big ole' walkin' stick showed up in my hands and i sort of instinctively used it to brace myself so i didn't hit the ground. exactly what i needed, you see?

and it just snowballed after that. things appear in my hands so frequently i don't even notice it anymore! usually small things, a single stick of gum, a sandwich, a cookie, a dildo, basically anything i can put in my mouth i guess. hey don't look at me like that, i'm telling you i don't choose what shows up, i just choose what to do with it. sometimes i don't know why it shows up and sometimes it's just obvious. do you mind if i take a drink of this by the way? i'm thirsty.

where'd i get a drink? come on, keep up!

well a couple weeks after the walking stick i went swimming in the lake and i dove a little too deep and bubbles started flying out of my hands so i grabbed my mouth tight and well it was kind of frickin wild! i could breathe out of my hands!

and that was when i realized it could be anything, absolutely anything, as long as it was something i needed.

i try not to put too much thought into it. who really knows what we need beyond the most basic things, right? might as well just take the universe at face value. it's certainly nice never having to decide what to eat anymore; it seems it takes my emotional needs into consideration too, so i never end up with a food in my hands that i don't immediately realize i want in my mouth too. love when i get to put the things in my mouth. that's pretty great.

but it's not like my emotional needs always take precedence or anything. otherwise presumably something other than a still beating heart would've shown up a few minutes ago. did you find out who it belongs to yet? that was fucked up, i don't think i'm gonna get over it any time soon.

i know whatever it is doesn't create the things; it definitely takes them from wherever they already were. chest cavity, presumably, in this instance.

i know because i get a lot of stuff with specific ass logos on them. that's actually how i learned about my financial advisor, thru one of the pens that showed up. turns out when you stop using your debit card to pay for things because you always have just the right amount of cash in hand it's really easy to save up "i need a financial advisor" levels of money, or at least it was before i quit my job. didn't mean to, by the way! someone else's letter of resignation showed up i guess right before they signed it so i figured that was my cue.

one time a bitchin' lighter with a skull on it showed up when i needed to light a candle, and i almost took up smoking after that just so i could start a cool lighter collection because it pretty much never takes the same thing—otherwise i would only have one pen right now, instead of like 73 different ones because i keep forgetting them when i need them. it does take the same thing when i need something ostensibly mine, however; i forget my phone a lot cuz it's not like i need to remember to bring it anywhere and thankfully i'm not just accidentally stealing people's phones all the time, ha!

—anyway i thought it would be cool to see what kinds of lighters i could get, but the moment i tried to buy cigarettes a pamphlet about lung cancer showed up in my hands so i figured best not to tempt it. i ended up with a lighter collection anyways cuz i started attending random people's birthday parties and offering to light their cake candles instead. much healthier than smoking. i have so many new friends now. not to mention a bunch of shitty bics.

one day a gun showed up and i got freaked out and immediately threw it into the woods. good thing i was already walking in the woods. dunno what that was about tho. never got another gun. there's just some gun with my fingerprints on it in the middle of the woods somewhere! wow! i don't like thinking about that!

oh but sometimes i can't help it. i'm a curious guy ya know? again i try not to be. just let it happen. but what was up with that gun thing!? and the heart?!?!???

probably no big deal. it gets big some times, like when a set of car keys and a pink slip showed up last year. love my new car! but it's usually no big deal.

like, every morning for the past few months now a couple pills show up. dunno what they are but i figured i might as well take em. no big deal i feel great by the way, if you couldn't tell. tho sometimes my heart feels like it's going to explode! haha!

too soon… sorry, too soon.