So I have reread some of your posts I assume your father is the negative one,Can I ask how old is he or do you know what sets him off and I must say I never met anyone with no ambition or drive in life. Also my dad WAS also angry a lot when I was growing up, As for your brother without finding out what went wrong with his finances to almost be losing his car and stuff that should not scare you if YOU do things right as the saying goes you are you and he is he
Alright you asked for it >3> I’ll tell you everything I can think of, if you’re bored and want to read it…
Example: My dad does not want to live in the city we live in now, and he kinda has this “childhood dream” of a life travelling and living on an acreage far away from people (he hates people) however, due to many mistakes my parents made in the past, we just got out of debt and are just barely doing okay, and do not have enough money to do anything he wants. And he rants about this almost once a day
He’s the kind of guy that had a strict plan of the future and so far hardly anything has gone right. He tried to decide his children’s lives before they were born. I’m not the daughter my dad wanted and he doesn’t really hide what he thinks about it. I’m glad that when i was a child I didn’t realize he felt this way, but yeah now I get very broken up over realizing I’m a disappointment to my dad and he doesn’t accept who I am. So I kinda just hide a lot of things about me from him now. He doesn’t know I’m an asexual aromantic, and I already know what negative things he thinks of them so I’ll just keep that to myself. I rarely tell him things that might interest me for fear that he’ll yell at me for liking such things (I’ll touch on that in a moment)
My older brothers get similar treatment, but I’m not sure if they react as badly, though I do know they both can’t stand being near my dad for very long, especially when he starts to get angry— and anything can set him off. (Example: He’s yelled at me for eating cereal twice now, This is a recent issue. Only started over a month ago. I think it stems from the same idea that he doesn’t want me eating “his” food anymore. Considering I’m fighting with a starvation eating disorder issue, it’s bothersome that he doesn’t want me to eat when I often starve myself anyway…)
And as for the “I must say I never met anyone with no ambition or drive in life" -> I recently wondered if my dad was also a part of that. Usually when you are young, you are encouraged to take interest in things and have fun, yes? Nah my dad just made fun of everything I liked when I was a kid so I’m now scared to show interest in anything. My dad temporarily didn’t even let me hang out with friends/have friends because of the neighbourhood we lived in for a large portion of my childhood. When we moved I was in grade 5 and, like my father, furious at the world. Making friends hasn’t been easy.
But yeah, I occasionally have the same irrational anger as my dad. It used to be completely uncontrolled until I fell into a deep suicidal depression in grade 10, then most of it just died away. I didn’t have energy to be angry at anything. Now that I’m getting a bit better (it’s only been like 3 years?) I can still feel that irrational anger, but unlike my dad I’m better at controlling it. (I do slip up sometimes, but not everyone is perfect)
So, uh, kinda got off-topic there, but yeah most of my life I had to deal with my dad laughing at my interests or getting angry at me for being happy, and then I fell into depression and started killing off any interest I ever had. Not sure at what point that could have affected my ambition, but for the most part: I lack a proper goal in life. A “grow up and do ____” because all of it seems impossible in my eyes and from all the observations I’ve made in my life, I got the idea that nothing will ever work out the way you planned. So I haven’t really been making any plans. For the past 4-5 years I’ve refused to think of the future, because during my suicidal depression state, I didn’t see a future. But I’ve survived a few years and now I got no idea where to go, no leads, and no one to help me. Recently, though, some interests of mine have returned, and even a few new ones have appeared.
But my mom is helping me along a bit, too. Just a couple weeks ago, after my parents met with my brother to sort out his finance troubles and help him survive another month, my mom wanted to talk to me. During the hour long conversation she mentioned that I’m much more observant than my brother, and more observant than most people my age, which is true. Since I lack the urge to go out and experience things, I just kinda pay attention to everyone around me and later compile everything I know and get a view of things. I know I won’t have as many finance problems as my brother does because I saw what he did and didn’t do and I’ve already been one step ahead of him. At least two years ago I realized my brother was going to have finance issues and I worked at being ahead of that, being cautious with my money, etc. I’ve even started up a credit card asap and I’m doing really well with that. I’m really not surprised that my brother has problems with money, but I didn’t realize it’d be this bad.
So at least I seem to have some sense, and possibly a natural instinct to think ahead and prepare. My mind is constantly taking things in and re-evaluating. But maybe I’m too focused on watching other people and avoiding making their mistakes to actually live my own life ugh