i don’t really care about v-day, i find it pretty obnoxious for the most part. but i do occasionally wonder about my feelings towards romance / relationships and never really having an ‘answer’ for my romantic orientation.
i feel like i might lean toward aromantic? but that could easily just be my complete and utter lack of experience in that area, and the few brushes with “romance” (if you could even call it that; really just some very past guy friends who got emotionally attached / attracted to their only friend who, at that time, happened to be a girl and pushed things too far). also just repeatedly bad second-hand experiences and stories from people and friends i knew who’s relationships turned sour, and sometimes really fucking ugly.
at the end of the day though, just like my sexuality, i repeatedly come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter. it’s not relevant, to myself or to others. i will never like or accept myself the way i am physically, i doubt i will have the opportunity to change, and i don’t think i am a good candidate mentally for healthy relationship material either. i see myself as an undesirable from all sides— a status which, in all fairness, does have its benefits (don’t have to deal with undesired flirting or catcalling / harassment, don’t have to deal with relationship drama or breakups or cheating, don’t have to worry about gifts or dates or looking attractive. just, any of it.) plus, i just don’t trust people enough to have any kind of stable connection of deep emotional attachment, or open myself up to them beyond a surface level.
that said, bad experiences can be just as valid as good ones, and sometimes even if you fully believe something is going to end in a negative way, it may be worth exploring at least once, if for no other reason than “don’t knock it ‘til you try it”. and it’s in those contemplations that i get depressed and lonely, for some experiences only being available with another.
don’t know where i was going with this other than wah, woe is me. life’s so hard and sad and lonely. wehwehweh. 🚨🚑💔
happy(?) valentine’s, y’all.
