Homestuck Secret Santa fanfic
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, sl33pysqu1d! I hope you enjoy your gift fanfic. It appears my muse interpreted "no NSFW" to mean "fluffy AU with shipping but no kissing". Welp. Perhaps it will still entertain you.
Rose: Encounter Draconian Law
The area in front of the dragon's lair was covered with an assortment of brightly colored trash - shredded cloth, broken bits of neon plastic, painted wood, and a battered pair of red and green crocs that sat in the center of the array. Rose looked around with a raised eyebrow. It certainly made a difference from the oily black mess imps left behind.
"Curious," she said. "I had thought dragons favored precious objects for their hordes."
"Great," Dave said, jittering at her side. "So maybe it's just a magpie living in this ginormous fucking cave and we don't have to worry at all - a really fucking big magpie who likes to kidnap people, but hey some people are just that shiny, right, who am I to judge? It was probably Kanaya's light-bulb imitation that got its attention, though that doesn't explain Karkles, maybe the sun was gleaming off his snarly little fangs - "
"On the contrary!" said a deep, rasping voice from the darkness past the cave mouth. "It was Sir Cherry Pie's delicious crimson oculars that drew me to purloin him from your castle!"
"Well, shit," Dave said, and Rose observed the way he straightened and braced himself, small muscles shifting in his jaw. It was not the reaction he would have to concern over any ordinary guest, which confirmed her suspicions as to his feelings for the angry Prospitian knight. "Yo, dragon, or, uh, whatever. Delicious oculars. Does that mean you ate them?"
"Of course not!" said the cave dweller.
"'Kay," Dave said, and he loosened again gradually enough that Rose might not have noticed if she hadn't been watching. "So hey, are you a titanic magpie by any chance?"
This received a snort that would've impressed an elephant. "What an utterly nonsensical question, sir! But as your knightly costume is in shades of the color most pleasing to me, I shall forgive your foolishness - for the moment."
"Oh for fuck's sake," said a familiarly irate voice from somewhere in the cave, "how long do we have to listen to that imbecilic excuse for a Dercite Knight blither pathetic attempts at wit before he does something useful?"
"At least Sir Strider has been courteous enough to come and find us," pointed out a much more pleasant voice. "I do not find it difficult to be grateful for this."
Rose smiled and allowed some of her own tension to ease, since both Prospitians sounded well and no more strained than usual. "Your pardon, esteemed dragon, but might we see to whom we speak?"
"Oh thank fuck, Lalonde's out there too," muttered Sir Vantas from the shadows.
"Hmm, Her Tyranny will consider your plea!" the dragon said.
"Come on, you big lizard," Sir Vantas' voice growled, "even if you move enough for us to get past you, it's not like we could fucking escape! You fly faster than Strider's stupid rocket board even if it could carry three people, which it fucking well can't!"
"As the defendant has not been invited to speak, Her Tyranny does not hear him," the dragon declared. "However, the appealing scent of lavender and citrus has swayed the court, and the original petition is granted."
There was a massive rustling and a wall of green scales emerged from the depths of the cave. The dragon's head had pointy bone spurs along her jaw and brows, and a fan of short, pointed horns at the back of her head, all in red and orange, which matched the blank red of her eyes but went oddly with the bluish green of her body. She didn't bother to step out of the entrance to her cave, but settled herself there, squarely blocking it.
"Oh for fuck's sake!" Sir Vantas said from somewhere behind her, and the dragon gave Rose and her brother an extremely toothy grin.
"Sir Cherry Pie has not ceased being in contempt of the court since his arrival," she said. "But as his obstreperousness is highly entertaining, he has thus far survived."
"I see," Rose said. She had to confess inwardly that among the species of large, dangerous monster she'd been prepared to face today, a lawyer of any kind had not numbered. "Might I have the honor of raising a question before Her Tyranny?"
The dragon flicked a long tongue at her and sniffed several times, tilting her head thoughtfully. "This request is granted."
"On what charges are Sir Vantas and Lady Maryam being held?"
"Sir Cherry Pie is charged with reckless deliciousness! A serious accusation, Lady Lavender Citrus, that may well also be leveled against your companion. As for Lady Spearmint, her crime is violent assault and inconvenience. I was forced to drop Sir Cherry Pie to remove her chainsaw and properly secure her, it was quite trying, although he was easy enough to recapture. Lady Spearmint's sentence is yet to be determined, although the court is seriously considering a long span of community service putting her excellent seamstress skills to good use."
"Surely the court must admit that an attempt at self-defense upon being kidnapped is only to be expected," Rose tried.
"Argument rejected! She will answer for her crime as justice demands! And I shall have a lovely red scarf and properly fitted cloak and perhaps some legbands."
"Hmm, it would be an intriguing challenge to tailor a dragon's clothing," Kanaya's voice said thoughtfully. "But I am afraid I have no cloth or sewing implements with me."
Rose hid a smile at the measured, serene tone; even if hearing it made her a bit giddy, there was no reason to show such an unrestrained reaction. "And of Sir Vantas? Has he a sentence yet?"
"The punishment for being delicious is to languish here, allowing Her Tyranny to partake of the delicacy as long as she desires!"
"Like I'm going to just stay put, you vast imbecile!" came the predictable snarl in response. "Forget it, I have things to fucking do, skulls to crush with the weight of my diplomacy, sponges to lay waste in awe at my magnificence!"
"I see," Rose said, kindly ignoring the outburst. She shared a glance with her brother, who twitched a shoulder. He'd also noticed the surprising lack of threats of carnage, then, and agreed that the negotiation required should therefore probably not involve violence. "It seems that you may have some difficulty with your cap- ah, prisoners, however. The knight is likely to be irritating at the very least, and Lady Maryam could be far more trouble if she chose. If you truly want those tailored garments you mentioned, a course of action seems called for that allows her access to her own materials."
"Remarkably enough, Her Tyranny had already taken this issue into consideration!" the dragon said dryly. "It is not necessary that Lady Spearmint use her own tools, but adequate supplies will certainly be obtained. As for the Cherry Knight, containing a miscreant like him is well within the abilities of this court!"
"I'm sure," Rose said politely. "However, might you nonetheless entertain an alternate suggestion?"
"Come back with us," Dave said before the dragon could answer.
Rose maintained her smile and did not look over at her brother, groan under her breath or tighten her jaw. It was important to present a united front, even if half of the front was making unanticipated proposals without bothering to so much as drop a hint first.
The single advantage was that the dragon seemed to be as taken aback as Rose. Her scaly nose lifted in the air and she tilted her head to one side, then the other. "Come - Was that - Have you actually, in all sincerity, just issued an invitation to Her Tyranny to return with you to your castle? You have. Sincerity is brisk and sharp in the nostrils, like the scent in the air after a lightning strike." She paused for a moment. "Her Tyranny typically causes terror and the desire to flee or madly attack. Invitations to the speaker's home are a less common occurrence."
She paused again and they all stared at each other. Well, Rose and Dave stared at her, anyway; Rose had a suspicion closing in on certainty about the way her pupil-less red eyes never seemed to move, and the way she kept correlating colors with tastes or smells.
"Sir Strider, was it? Perhaps you would care to expand on this invitation. For what reason would I consider visiting your castle again?"
"Technically it's not my castle, it's my bro's, he's the Prince, but whatever. I figure you like bright colors, right, that's a dragon thing I guess, and your last visit was pretty quick so you probably missed the stained glass windows everywhere. Plus Rose's little chapel place has crazy mozaic floors, although you might be a little big to fit inside, but there's the crystal section of the rock garden, that's sort of colorful, and that huge damn boulder with all the crazy splashes of red and green and orange - Shit, why am I even spending time on the small stuff? You know the real reason you gotta come hang out if you like way too many colors at once? When Bro throws a dance party to show off our newest jams, the whole ballroom is filled with flashing colored lights, neon glow jewelry, and dancers who dress themselves like it's a goddamn competition to see who can cause the most searing retinal damage."
Rose concealed her wince.
"Fortunately, this will not be a difficulty, as all damage has already been done!" the dragon said. "But, Sir Strawberry, would a dragon fit in the ballroom?"
"Shouldn't be a problem, it's a hell of a lot bigger than your cave entrance, and you'll fit through the hallways, too."
"Hm. Now the real question. Why would a royal knight issue such an invitation to Her Tyranny?"
Dave shrugged, sliding a glance over to Rose. "Eh, couple of reasons. Could be handy to have a dragon around the place. Never have to worry about how to start a fire again, you know, if all the lighters and matches in the kingdom mysteriously go missing - "
"In all seriousness," Rose cut in smoothly, "you would not be the first unusual being to make your home at the castle." Not that she had planned on adding to the collection today, but - "We currently have residing with us a computer-whiz naga, a powerful if remarkably laid-back satyr, and a rather large centaur," she pretended not to hear Dave mutter something about size, which seemed to trouble him in relation to Mr. Zahhak, "who has made an alliance with a daughter of Bast that is also a resident. Recently we were even visited by a royal delegation from the merfolk. Incidentally, what are your thoughts on imps?"
"They smell of licorice, but it is a wicked deception; they taste quite different. Still delicious, however," the dragon added thoughtfully. "I trust you are not foolish enough to harbor them as guests!"
"No, no," Rose assured her. "More in the nature of mice in the pantry, really." The imp incursions were becoming more and more of a problem, however petty she made it sound, and it was simply humiliating to have them coming out in plain sight of the Prospitians and other important visitors. If the dragon truly appreciated the taste of the oily little things -
"Hmm! How many mice?"
"More every day," Rose sighed. "We're practically sweeping them out of the corners with brooms."
"It is possible," the dragon said, "that Her Tyranny may be willing to assist with your pest problem."
"Marvelous," Rose said, and smiled.
Later, as deep, gleeful declarations of "Guilty!" rang out through the castle, followed by contented crunching sounds, Rose sipped lavender tea and watched as Kanaya cut a rather large amount of red cloth along the marked lines.
"I do appreciate you and Sir Strider coming for us." She was watching her hands more closely than was strictly necessary, Rose thought.
"I could hardly leave such an intelligent and elegantly dressed guest on her own in such a situation. You might have killed your kidnapper, and then we would lack a multitalented imp-eradicating ally."
Startled green eyes swept up to meet Rose's gaze. "Not unless she threatened us! I assure you, most trolls are not actually as violent as you may have heard; for many of us it is not the first resort of choice, and certainly - "
"My apologies," Rose said, wincing inwardly, "that was not my assumption at all, and it was clumsy of me to phrase it that way. I only meant to convey my awareness that you were hardly incapable of rescuing yourself by one means or another, had it become necessary."
Her research had indicated that while troll romance was massively complicated, compliments were generally safer to begin with although less likely to be immediately recognized as attempts at courting than the particular sort of pitying comments that seemed like insults to humans but weren't. For a human to judge exactly what comment would be pitying to a romantic extent, and what went over the line to insulting or just weird, was difficult enough that it was strongly advised against for first time suitors.
Yet again, Rose considered whether she really ought to hint more strongly at Dave that there were some details about trolls he might need to know... But he was so invested in his pretense that there was nothing unusual about his persistence in winding Sir Vantas up until he turned into a flailing, shrieking puddle of outrage and insults. Until he was willing to admit to his frankly blatant desire to see the Prospitian undone and out of control in every way possible, Rose's assistance would be superfluous.
"It is my understanding that, among humans, recognition of another's particular skills and strengths is... pleasing," Kanaya said. She seemed to be watching Rose from the corner of her eye. "That is to say, of course having one's abilities recognized and spoken of is pleasing, but I seem to gather that it is also pleasing to the person doing the recognizing. Ah, that is very badly put, I do apologize, I will try to - "
"No no," Rose said quickly. "I don't think it was badly put at all."
"Oh," Kanaya said. "Um. Good."
"Indeed, it is often pleasant to observe the talents and strengths of a person one is close to; I suppose as social animals it tells us what resources we have available, should we need assistance in some way. Of course that's not at a conscious level of reasoning. Consciously, it's gratifying to know that one's associates are talented because it reflects well on oneself, giving one a... an uplifted sort of feeling. Actually it's a bit difficult to describe..."
"Do not worry, I believe I know the feeling you mean, although among trolls it is most often associated with caliginous relationships."
"Really! How interesting. I was only able to find a limited amount of information on that topic, and I'm not certain how accurate my source was."
"Karkat is really the expert on quadrants," Kanaya said. "You should ask him for the fullest explanation of the topic, but the important thing is that a caliginous relationship is based on hatred and rivalry. Naturally it is pleasant to find evidence that one's desired rival is skilled enough to be a worthy opponent. But among humans, this sensation is not limited to rivalry?"
"No, in fact I believe normally when we have rivals, we would prefer that they not be particularly skilled so we can be secure in our superiority. But rivalry is not typically an integral part of human romance."
"Yes, it is very different." Kanaya glanced over at her with a small smile. "I find the whole thing rather intriguing. Perhaps you could teach me more of human romance."
"Only if you agree to return the favor and educate me on troll romantic custom," Rose replied promptly, smiling back. "I believe you will make a far more congenial teacher than Sir Vantas, and do considerably less damage to my hearing."
"Oh! Well, I suppose I could try. If you really think I will be helpful."
"I am certain of it," Rose said. Kanaya looked up again and their eyes met and held for a moment. Then Kanaya went back to her cloth, smiling quietly, and Rose hid elation by sipping her tea.
"Speaking of Karkat and quadrants," Kanaya said after a pause, "I believe I have observed certain hints of a caliginous flirtation between him and Dave. Do you think Dave knows what he's involving himself in?"
"I'm almost sure he doesn't," Rose sighed.
Kanaya pressed her lips together. "Perhaps someone should give them some assistance."
"My dear Sylph," Rose said, "are you proposing that we meddle?"
Kanaya glanced up, trying to look serene, but her eyes were dancing. "My darling Seer, are you suggesting that you are uninterested?"
Rose smirked. "Not at all. Only let me make more tea, and then we shall plot."