Notes from class April 12, 2012
TOPIC: DEBUNKING BDSM MYTHS
There are so many myths that newbie BDSM'ers so today's chat goes through some of the BDSM myths and misconceptions that are found online, in porn and passed around by well meaning people.
1. You have to like pain to be into BDSM
FALSE. While Sadomasochism (getting pleasure from giving or receiving pain) is part of BDSM, not all Dominants are into giving pain and not all submissives are into receiving pain. It's one thing that can be part of a Dominant/submissive relationship.
BDSM is a compound term derived from:
Bondage & Discipline (B/D, B&D)- Tying the submissive up, and using rules and punishment for desired behavior
Dominance & submission (D/s, D&s)- This is the relationship, the power exchange where the submissive GIVES power or control to a Dominant. When a submissive kneels to a Dominant, they are enforcing the D/s part of the relationship by using a ritual to highlight the power exchange.
Sadism & Masochism (S&m) - Activities (flogging, whipping, humiliation what not).
It is entirely possible someone may be in an BDSM relationship with the D/s Power exchange, rules, boundaries without pain activities.
2. Submissives are Doormats that have to obey everyone.
This is a common myth that many newbie submissives find themselves believing. Finding a definition of 'what' you are ... after feeling like something is 'wrong' or 'abnormal' about you is a relief for many submissives. You want to submit, you want to explore those feelings. And during the first few months you start to discover this whole new world, you're like Augustus Gloop in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory - wanting to taste everything you can- but it can often lead to disastrous results.
When you first enter the BDSM scene as an unowned submissive you do not owe anyone your submission. Any Dominant that treats you like you are less than, or that you must submit to them should be avoided. This is not to say you shouldn't be respectful (i.e. use your manners) but kneeling to anyone, or worse calling anyone else 'Master' or 'Mistress' is not required.
Often times, new submissives are told that they 'aren't submissive enough' or 'aren't acting like a submissive'. What does that mean, and why is some random Dominant saying they aren't submissive enough to them? In my opinion, it's a way for an inexperienced Dominant or a Creepy Dom (Recognizing a Creepy Dom).
The use of the Master or Mistress honorifics is ONLY used by the submissive to address a Dominant they are in a D/s relationship with. Do not use 'Master' or 'Mistress' with a Dominant that you have not entered into a power exchange with. Honorifics such as Sir, Ma'am, or Miss can be used in most cases. When in doubt make ask a submissive in the group.
Oh and the doormat concept. Freely giving control of yourself to another person comes from a place of strength - just as much as the Dominant taking control is a place of strength.
3. The Submissive has the ultimate power in the Relationship
This one has been taken and twisted badly. Like the game of telephone, changed just enough to pervert it. Yes, the submissive can take their submission and leave the relationship at any time. BDSM is about consent. But so can the Dominant. But in my opinion that's like taking your toy and going home, the play ends. Is that really what you consider power?
I've seen and heard of subs telling their Ds 'I don't have to do that because i have the power here'. Um no you don't. The submissive gave it to the Dominant. At some point, that Dominant is going to get sick of fighting you for what they feel they should be given, your submission. They can walk away just as easily.
After negotiations have been completed, the D/s relationship begins. That doesn't mean that negotiations won't occur during a relationship (things and people change) but if you are a submissive, you will need to submit.
During class, the statement "Power is shared, control is given" (hope to get source soon), it's a good explanation. As Damn Dude said, "Because when you ultimately have complete control, you completely have no relationship".
4. All Dominants want quiet, reserved submissives who completely agree with them all the time.
How boring! There are definitely weaker Dominants that may look for a submissive without the ability to express their opinions but most true Dominants want a partner who they can talk with, who has opinions and can express them, who may have differences of opinion. These are all things make strong interesting partners. You need to be able to communicate outside of sex in any relationship if you want something that will last.
5. I cannot be controlled and I need a strong Dominant.
i hate hate hate hate hate hate this phrase often uttered. Are you a submissive, then you don't want to submit? Submission is the job of the submissive, it is the Dominants job to help you excel in your submission -- Not make you submit. That's tiring.
I can understand wanting a greater power exchange (more rules, more expectations), or a Dominant who is strong of character, but physically strong or abusive no. BDSM is about consent (without consent it's abuse- check this out).
6. Dominants must be cold, and uncaring to their submissives. Showing affection around others is weak.
I think it makes a Dominant stronger when they can show their softer side, in group. A Dominant showing that they love and adore their submissive should be the standard not the exception in my opinion. A D/s relationship is built on not on the Power Exchange but also love, trust, commitment & affection.
Unowned s-types looking for a D, what type of interaction do you want in your relationship? Owned, if you're not getting what you want, ask yourself why not.
Many new Ds come in thinking that they have to be harsh, bordering on cruel to be a Dominant. If you talk to any D that's been around a while, most would probably admit what they thought being a Dominant was when they first started out is way different than what they learned a Dominant should be. It's sort of like the Dom/me equivalent of "I have to submit to anyone that says they are Dominant" myth.
7. The submissive gives up every last right and has no contact with anyone other than their Dominant.
Uh, yeah.. um no. Even a slave has at minimum the right to walk away from a relationship. BDSM is Voluntary and Consensual. Many Dominants want their submissives to be sure they want their collar, to make the CHOICE to take it as their last choice with free will.
8. I can learn to accept anything in a Dynamic, my concerns will pass.
No. If something feels wrong in the beginning, those feelings probably won't pass. In fact the lust, may die down but the feeling of wrongness may not go away. It's better to figure that out before you are collared than after. For example It's like if the Dom/me is a sadist yet you don't like any pain, if he gets off on it, and expects you do participate in pain activities all the time … it's not gonna work
It's better to be unowned than to be in a relationship with just anyone. You want to be owned by the right someone.
9. It's OK, I'm not cheating, I'm Poly!
This is often told to new girls or it's cousin "It's ok no one knows you're mine, but us".
BDSM is based on Honesty, how can you be honest if you're 'relationship' is built on a lie.
My advice for anyone in here, is be EXTRA careful about playing with, submitting to etc a Dom/me that already has a sub or sub(s). Ask the Dominant straight what their intentions are and if their sub(s) know they are looking for another. All too often there is someone who gets hurt because they were cheated on by a poly Dominant who turned out to be a cheater.
In a Poly relationship, Communication is stressed more. If a Dom/me is really prospecting you to join their family, they you will have spoken with His/Her other submissives. Do you really want to be the "Surprise! look what i brought home!"; it does not seem like a positive way to start the relationship with your new family.
10. Serious sadists are abusive
BDSM is based on consent, the masochistic partner is consenting to the act. As ally(c) said in class "Ive endured things I would not have consented to if asked, however the very nature of my relationship implies that consent is given. If that makes sense."
There are people that do enjoy hurting others where there is no consent. However that is NOT in any way shape or form BDSM. Hurting others without their consent is abuse.
