#sleepless ramble

[solscoundrel]

Fuck my life 1 time

Everything has to be a correct number, so. I have shit to do by this Friday and next Friday or I implode like the Titanic submarine that everyone’s either forgotten about or doesn’t care enough to recall. I can’t even remember her name or if they thought she was a girl.

I’d like to be done talking to people and possibly not get the Hentai virus that I was convinced I’d get a month ago but here I am pretending to understand what the people around me are even passionate about. I have to get up at 6:30 for a piece of work I have no devotion to.

I also have to write, and write, and do things by the end of this month and the next to make my time off worth it before I’m told I have no time left and that it’s finally time for me to succumb to a life paid in dollars under my actual name.

I get to go home to a gaggle of even more strangers because I crave their validation even though I find a third of them insufferable and a third just out of reach. Is Vonnie even unemployed? Is Vonnie even Vonnie, and is that profile picture of an Asian girl Vonnie or another fetishizing trend seeker?

Fetishizing a race shouldn’t be taken lightly. Surely everyone knows race jokes stopped being funny already, that or I’ve been insulting myself this entire time and I won’t be a vocal minority on top of insulting my visible one.

Everybody’s realized I don’t give a shit about them. No one would bother responding to someone after two months of nothing. Here I am staring at people I don’t want to see and hoping to whatever god there is that maybe, at least, this doesn’t weigh on them. If it does then there’s a balanced weight for no reason other than to teach me a lesson I’ve forgotten how to learn for half a year.

And no one wants to hear that. *Oh, sorry, it’s been too long.* They can go without hearing that a bit longer.

I’m running out of time. I may as well have stolen more shrimp and a White Claw.

(I have to rid the Classic and some T-shirts and bring my obscene umbrella tomorrow. Otherwise I may as well lose my hair and the next year’s worth too.)

[cannedlychee]

I did not sleep I am very tired now but we have an electrician coming today and I absolutely cannot sleep because s t r e s s ⋋⁠✿⁠ ⁠⁰⁠ ⁠o⁠ ⁠⁰⁠ ⁠✿⁠⋌ which is unpleasant :(

[gronglegrowth]

They came in the night, as most bad things tend to, and yet at first no one was suspicious of them. They were three; a short woman in red, a tall man in gold, and a person in blue. All three wore white masks and looked quite fashionable; unexpected guests to a party that had never been, would never be.

Of course, the wise sages had always said: be wary of unknown things. These three visitors were unknown and as evidenced, they were bad things. How bad was yet to be determined.

When the curiously silent doorbell was rung, causing an invisible vase to rattle and fall down, breaking into ethereal shards of glass, They came in, the three of them, and each said:

"We are here like moths to a flame; your flame. We invited ourselves, we organized this event ourselves. Here, you are our guests, and please let us be honorable hosts."

Three entered this house that night. Five left. One remained, and that one vowed to find them.

[penitence-writings]

Disturbed

Again, for the third time that night, I had disturbed my own sleep.

Lately, had been having these bouts of coughing fits. At first, I had deemed it a cold and figured that I would eventually shake it off. When it persisted, I knew something was wrong.

I just hoped that it wasn't too serious, but with my age being so advanced in years, I knew that it had to be.

I say up in bed, finding that, laying on my back, I had struggled to breathe. Yet, now that I was sitting up, I found that I was no better.

Amil had heard me; he sat up in bed beside me. His tone was thinly laced with concern as he spoke to me.

"Are you alright, dear?"

I nodded, although it was clearly a lie, and one that Amil could see through. My breath shuddered, nearly triggering another fit, but I managed to catch it before it would allow itself to seize me.

"I'm alright, " I said quietly. "You needn't worry yourself."

I watched him as he lay back down, but his eyes did not close. He was watching me, still worried. I knew he had a right to be.

My face moved from him toward the window. I sucked in a deep breath, letting it out through my nose as a long - winded sigh. After a brief, nearly striking thought in my mind, I lay back down beside Amil.

He closed his eyes, and is breath slowed; he was asleep within moments.

The least I could do was reassure him that I was okay — at least, for now.

Again, I sighed and closed my own eyes. Moments later, sleep crept upon me like an endless, dark wave.

[caliko-i]

sometimes I dream about my toes sinking into sea glass and sand, ocean water wrapping around my ankles

[k-honeywire]

I get so excited about the future. Mainly because I just have so many perfect scenarios in my head that I can only dream of. I’m so excited to wake up before my wife and have coffee and breakfast ready before she wakes up. I’m so excited to stay over at the family’s house and have drinks in the backyard with the older ones to have my kid open the back door and be like “Dad I can’t find my bear” and I’ll be so stoked to say “be there in a sec!“. Im so excited to slow dance with the love of my life just for no reason. I’m so scared of the future but at the same time I smile just thinking about it. I can’t wait to make an impact not just on the world, but my future family and friend’s life as well.

[silentheartz-blog]

And i just feel it once again. Tomorrow i have to be up early to register for spring classes. But fuck. Part of me doesn’t even want to in the slightest. Part of me hates that fucking school, and everyone in it. I feel so invisible there. I felt that feeling again today. That disgusting feeling, where i feel like vomiting.vomiting everything that’s eating me inside. Why must this always happen at night, when everyone’s asleep and i feel most lonely? Aaah, i dont even know. I feel like i’ve become so cynical. My depression’s gotten so much better, but it’s still there. Ugh. Fuck this. I can become angry and bitter for no apparent reason. Then sit and wait for my tears to ebb. I wanted to share my own company with a cigarette to ease my mind. But something told me no. And i just cant sleep anymore. 1 am 2am 3am Then i begin to feel drowsy. My body finally gives in. Sigh. This sucks. And it’s exhausting. Whatever. I’m just talking to myself.