#slefharm

[ghastly-sheep]

Shoplifting relapse, shit’s bad but it’s better than cutting 😇

[decomposingdoll]

TW MAJOR TW FOR SH

So I relapsed properly last night. I'd been clear for over a year, I knew it was probably coming soon, but jesus does it still suck. I'm annoyed because I was doing so well, but I'm trying not to be too hard on myself considering healing isn't linear, and given the self destructive mood I've been in the past few days, it was going to happen, I mean I even bought blades for Christ's sake, it was gonna happen, but it still feels shit. It felt amazing at the time, and a part of me is still happy when I look at my legs, but still, it's that old familiar feeling and I'm just hoping I don't get too addicted again

They aren't big boys because I didn't have a good blade, but they're enough to hurt like a bitch, they didn't bleed much though which is weird, usually they used to bleed a lot more, I think it's probably because my blade was quite blunt, thats probably also why they aren't that big and they hurt so much despite only being lil styros. But still, I have to admit I missed it so much, the feeling, the pool of blood, slowly watching the lines turn red? Nothing feels better

Anyway, I'm off to work now, for some reason I seem to only write updates on the bus or in bed weirdly, but I'm glad I've been more consistent updating, I want to try and make this a regular thing because it really does help venting out my feelings to the void, but knowing people aren't reading it, but it's still there? It's there if you look, there's a record of my mental decline? Idk, I just think it's weirdly poetic in a really fucked up way

[monlemeli]

Slowly losing control

I eat till I'm sick, diet till I'm a skeleton, drink till I've passed out, want to smoke weed, try mushrooms, get tattoos, dance all night but I also want to be the best at school, to hide from other's, to stay sane and around. It's a battle, trying to lose some of my control without it all. I am losing and my mind is slowly seeing the amount of power is has. I haven't seen properly in days, my head is throbbing and the self-induced scars on my arms aren't healing. I am scared of losing myself completely.