He had wanted to tell Panda before he left, to say something that would comfort him when he was gone, but when it came time to do it, he had no words. What do you say to someone when you’re abandoning them? There’s nothing to make it better or make it hurt less. He knows Panda is going to be devastated when he realizes what happened, but he can’t justify taking a soft, kind bear into the middle of a war.
Panda’s seen his small apartment, he saw where he keeps the key under the mat. He’s sure that thee bear will come here first, or at least he hopes he does. He sets a letter for him, filled with the earnings he didn’t spend from his job, and sets about clearing a space for the transmutation that’s going to take place. In all truth, he should probably be doing this outside or somewhere with more space, but he can’t been seen. He can’t be allowed to be stopped.
It’s not a question of it will work. It would, and he would go home and carry out what he needed to do. His math is perfect and his calculation flawless. He would travel through the gate and that would be it.
The circle set in place, he puts his hands to his chest, letting the ruby light of his alchemy fill the room, the eye of truth emerging from the ground, the gate opening, hands pulling through it, bringing him to his truth. The void with his silhouette is grinning at him, but it isn’t him that catches his eyes, it’s the golden hair and the other gates that he’s seeing. As he’s watching, he sees one fade away, and he shoves truth out of the way, his hands crackling and burning as he does so. Edward-- Alphonse-- The skeletal boy is being help up by his brother.
Desperation flows through him and he yells, the boys looking up at him. He’s trying to reach them but black hands from his gate have shot out and grabbed him, slowly pulling him back. He’s fighting against them, trying to reach out to his boys, but he can’t get to them. He’s struggling against the grip, and Alphonse is reaching out to him. An unfeelable wind is blowing through his hair, somehow it’s blowing, and though he can’t reach his hand to Alphonse’s, he manages to get a lock of his hair.
It’s not enough to keep him there, however, and the strands are thin, and they break easily. The grip the gate has on him brings him to his knees, and soon is dragging him backwards on his face, despite his best efforts to claw the ground and stay. His head is craned back to an unpleasant degree, looking at his sons, Edward holding Alphonse’s shoulders, both of them looking at him sadly. The gate closes.
He’s back in his shitty little apartment, the floor covered in his own blood, though some of it’s pulling back into his body as it’s part of his stone. The damage dealt to him by the gate is healing slowly, slower than his usual wounds, the front of his chest having been cracked open, as if it wasn’t enough to tear out his spiritual heart but his physical one needed to go as well.
Tears are streaming down his face, his breaths labored and uneasy. While one hand is gripping at his wound, the other is holding the strands of hair to his face, trying to hold on to the last remnants he’s going to get of his sons.
He can only hope Panda won’t find him here like this.
