#slythrnprdpersonal

[slythrnprd]

U make me feel pretty

[slythrnprd]

I didn’t actually stop self harming, I just picked other less visible ways to do it :-)

[slythrnprd]

Been awhile since I’ve articulated my thoughts in one place lolsies. And that’s the thing... it’s been so long I don’t know how to write anymore. I don’t know how to write academic essays, I don’t know how to write my feelings down; I’ve essentially forgotten how to communicate.

And I just keep recycling my thoughts over and over because there’s no way for them to escape. Because I’ve stopped writing, I’ve left my ability to articulate to rot and die. All I am now is a mess of a human with so much running through my mind. I want it to stop, it’s a noisy silence that penetrates through every inch of my being and it disturbs my peace.

I wish I didn’t seek physical pleasures to numb the disturbances brewing in my head. When the instant gratification is over, it just amplifies the pain and it creates more thoughts in my already crowded mind. Ugh.

I hate that I’m always right when it comes to things like that, but always wrong when I need to be in the right.....

[slythrnprd]

me: “man I wish someone would hold me rn and tell me everything is gonna be okay”

also me: “ew why am I having such gr0ss thoughts lol I don’t need anyone smh”

[slythrnprd]

Introspective nights

A world that was once black and white has turned grey to me. Their reassurance of clarity as you age is losing its reliability. I thought that I would know what to do when things start to fall apart. Looking at the bigger scheme of things, is it all worth the pain? Do I know what I'm truly fighting for? Is being too hopeful a source of detriment to my wellbeing?

So many questions are flowing in my mind, all of them requiring so much weight. So much tears falling down onto my cheeks, all of them a painful reminder of what is inevitable.

Am I doing this for myself to become happy? Or is this just another subconscious effort to kill my heart?

[slythrnprd]

I miss so many things, but I miss being able to express my feelings freely without the fear of rejection from the people I choose to share with.

[slythrnprd]

I want to stop doubting and overthinking..... ..... but I want to know even more so, why I can't get rid of this unexplainable uneasiness I feel about everything

[slythrnprd]

Clockbeat

You know when it's that time of the night, the in-between timing of a little too early and a little too late, the timing when everything else is silent except the white noise of the clock... the clock? Or is that the sound of your pulse in your ear, the ear pressed against your pillow which accentuates the tick tock tick tock tick tock... It's a strange feeling, being able to hear your pulse like that. It's almost wrong, yet comforting. It lets you know you're still alive, your heart is still beating, despite your mind thinking otherwise. It provides a constant sound in the silence that envelops the night. While mildly annoying, it lulls one to sleep.