So, um, yeah.
It really pains me you know.
We've never talked about it in person. I'm scared to bring it up because I don't want anyone to get mad. You're scared to bring it up because you're fearful of it or something along those lines I assume. I know it's there. I see your blog. I don't know if Anna or Jackie do, but I know I do.
It makes me feel helpless. To read the things you post and see the things you reblog, knowing that that's how you feel and I'm kind of unsure of what to do about it. I always try and help people, give them advice, ease their situations in any way that I can. But here, I am clueless.
I just want you to talk to me about it. I know that you say it's hard, and I'm sure it is. But how do you expect anyone to help when you won't let anyone in? You don't want anyone to break through your shell, but someone needs to. And I'm trying to, but you keep pushing me away.
You don't need to feel worthless. First of all, no one is worthless. God doesn't create worthless people. There wouldn't be a point in creating meaningless humans, it would just be a waste of His time. Everyone, and I mean sincerely and truly everyone, has a purpose. Everyone has their own meaning to life. Everyone has a reason to live.
I know that sometimes I may chastise you for spending all your time on tumblr or twitter, or fangirling or just sitting around doing nothing all that productive. But really, you have every right to do that. It's an undeniable fact that we're growing up, but at this point you still don't have to have everything all figured out. You don't need to know what major you want or what career you desire or where you want to live when you're older. You don't need to have favorite colleges for months, or even pick your major for years. Just because you haven't written out your life for yourself doesn't mean you'll end up sleeping in your childhood bedroom the rest of your life. It just means your spontaneous. It means you won't have rigorous expectations for yourself. It means your free to do whatever you want, whenever you want.
And if you don't manage to even slightly more believe that you're worth it, that your life is so important to so many people, then I want you to slightly more believe that you are beautiful. 90% of all guys are not disgusted with you. That's a pretty outlandish statistic if you ask me. When we look back in 10, 15, 20 years it's not going to matter at all who got the most glances at in the hallway, or who talked to the most boys, or who received the most compliments. We'll be lucky if we remember a couple of the boys we had classes with. I understand that right now, you like the attention, you crave the attention. But my philosophy is that the people who don't date as much in high school are the lucky ones. You don't have to deal with all the stupid drama, dumb mistakes, careless mishaps. You get to glide right over all of that, and dive right into the good parts of dating without the effects of petty high school.
I'm not just saying that you're beautiful because you're one of my best friends. In all honesty, I wish I could look like you. I envy you.
Lastly on this topic, I'd like to say that you don't want men who choose you for your looks. They're assholes, and don't deserve you for a split second. True men, the kind of men you want to marry, the kind of men you want to father your children, are the kind who will fall in love with your personality far before they fall in love with your looks. And your personality my friend, is such a gloriously contagious one.
I want you to do an exercise for me. Take a scrap of paper, a writing utensil, and title the top "People to Live For." Start with your Mom, your Dad, your brothers, your best friends, etc. List out the people who you want to live to see them be happy. List out the people who want to see you happy. List out the people who care about you deeply. And then sit back, and think about how all of these people, whether the list is only a couple or dozens, don't want you to be like this. All of these people want you to feel positively gorgeous like you are, completely full of potential like you are, and totally comfortable with yourself like you are.
Don't be angry. Don't be sad. Be happy. For all of those people you listed, and most importantly, for yourself.
