Trigger warnings: some curse words
Pete was not his regular self this past few days. The BPD was hitting hard probably because of stress. He was under pressure for his new special and his whole mental state was affected. You did everything you could to make him feel better, but it was tough. He booked more therapy sessions but on a short run it was not enough. You encouraged him to watch some movies he likes to relax, to express himself creatively and to do some exercises with you however it created more tension than everything. Small things were triggering some Pete’s negative reactions, it was very hard to keep up. You wanted to be there for him, showed that you cared. Sometimes it was just nearly impossible and that worried you. You were kind of used to those situations but this time it was a longer, rougher episode and it began to play with your own mental state.
You were in the kitchen baking some peanut butter brownie for the dessert when Pete entered in the room. He seemed tensed but smiled at you lazily. He approached you and kissed your temple while looking at what you were cooking. He frowned a bit but said nothing. You were surprised by this reaction, he usually loved this treat.
“You don’t like it anymore?”, you asked still taken aback. He rolled his eyes but remained silence which upset you. “You can use your words to answer, you know.”
“I am just wondering if you really know me and want the best for me” he replied growing annoyed.
“You what??!! Where does that come from?!!”
“You know I have Crohn and you know it can be worsened by nuts” he placed a huge emphasis on the you know. “But still you are baking this” he glanced at the brownie meanly, rose his hand towards it and for a second you thought he might throw it in the trash or on the floor. Instead, he put his hand on his face and sighed: “I really wondered why I still get home to be welcomed like that.”
Those words stung you, hard. You had taken of your time to bake this, it was just a small attention and you didn’t expect this reaction. You bit your lips refraining yourself to reply harshly, deep down believing that he didn’t think that, didn’t actually mean that.
“Well, I think you are stressed and angry and maybe you should go relax and we can discuss that later.” You kindly reply, putting a smile on your face.
“Now actually we should discuss that now, you are the one who says that when there is a problem, we have to discuss it, let’s do that.”
“Yeah, but when you are calm, ready to talk without your feelings interfering and risking saying things you don’t mean.”
“I am calm and ready to talk” he insisted visibly growing upset. You nodded and sighed frustratedly. There was no point arguing and you didn’t want to deal with him being angry for such a flutily, so you let him speak. You weren’t really listening carefully to what he was saying considering that he just needed to let some stuffs out because he was stressed. You were sure that he would apologize as soon as his crisis would be over so there was no point in taking to heartedly what he was saying. You didn’t want to ignore him, but it was easier that way, else you would probably be hurt by some words he pronounced without thinking. “Are you even listening to me?!!” he snapped at you while you were lost in your own thoughts. You winced trying to find a way to explain why you were not very into what he was saying without upsetting him even more.
“I…No I don’t really listen. But look Pete you are annoyed and half of the things you are saying, you will regret them later so…”
“You must be fucking kidding me!!! How can you know that I will regret them if you don’t even listen to them! You know what it proves, it proves that you don’t care about how I feel or why, that you don’t give a fuck about me!!”
“No, it is not like that!” you exclaimed trying to make your point.
“Stop trying to make yourself look like the nice guy while I am the bad one!!! Fuck… I can believe you, from all the people I thought I could trust you!”
“But you can” you pleaded.
“No!! Visibly I can’t but I should not be surprise you can’t even seem to remember or care about what I can eat or no so I guess listening to my feelings is too much to ask!!” You opened your mouth to reply to that but he continued: “Maybe if it is too much you should leave, you would probably be happier without me, without pretending you love me, care about me. And I would also be happier, I would finally find someone for me!!” he yelled certainly not even knowing what he was saying, the stress, the anger he was feeling for days were taking the best of him.
Even if you knew that, you still never expected such words. You were astonished to say the least. You couldn’t even answer to that, you were still processing those hurtful words. After few seconds at looking silently at each other, it hit you, what he just said, what he meant. It took every ounce of courage you had to not cry in front of him and simply nod, leave the room silently. You went to your share bedroom and grabbed a bag, put some clothes in it with your toiletry bag. You sent a quick text to a friend of yours asking her to sleep at her place for the night and she accepted without questioning you further. When you crossed the living room to leave the place, you saw that Pete was still standing there, looking at the window. He was back at you. “I will come back in few days to get back the rest of my stuff” you stated, and he didn’t turn around. You put everything in the car and drove to your friend’s place.
When Pete heard the sound of your car driving way, he realized. He realized what he had just say, what it implied, how badly he had screwed up. He wanted to run to you but it was too late, you were gone and he didn’t even know where, he haven’t even seen your face one last time. This broke him and tears streamed down his face. What an idiot. You were right. Of course it wasn’t the moment to talk, of course the anxiety he was feeling was taking the best of him, of course you had nothing to do with all of this. He had been so unfair to you, during all your relationship you had cared, you had listened to him, you had made your best to make him feel better, good, you always had been careful about his feeling, you had been supportive of his decisions and involved in everything he had tried to do. He never thanked you, not really and the only time you were not listening because you were sure that he was not thinking straight, he had been an asshole. He wanted to make it up, he needed to apologize, he wanted to fix things, but he ignored where to start. He was crushed by the idea that it was definitely over, that he would never see you smile at him, wear his shirt, cook for him, play video games with him, falling asleep in his arms while watching movies… All those precious, treasured moments you shared would vanish and he would never be able to relive them.
He tried to recompose himself and called you, but he never reached anything else than your voicemail. The sole sound of your voice humming asking to leave a message was enough to make him sob again. He fell asleep that night crying while you did the same some miles away. Those few miles felt like the abyss between you, an abyss that none of you would be able to cross that night to join the other.
When you woke up the following morning, you had a lump in your throat, you felt sick. Your friends had made you a delicious breakfast to cheer you up and you smiled kindly at her. She didn’t pry in your intimacy last night, she did what she could to make you happier, gave you space and let you sleep while insisting that she was there in case you needed. You were so grateful to have her. As you were eating, you received a text from Pete, you were not sure if you wanted to open it or not, if you were brave enough to read it but you couldn’t avoid it. You would have to read it at some point so there was no need to put it to another moment. You were a bit shook by his words, expecting a breakup text, a date to pick up your remaining stuff. You couldn’t help but smile a bit at your screen: “I am so dumb, I am surely the dumbest dude in all New York, and I am sorry, I can’t apologize enough for my behavior. But please give me one last chance to talk to you, if you don’t want to see me after that I can understand but I want to apologize to you in person, you deserve it, you are amazing and that is the least I could do after all the hurt I caused.” You texted back a brief ok, thanked again your friend and drove back to your place. Your fingers were drumming nervously against the steering wheel.
To your surprise the front door wasn’t locked and then you remembered that you had left in such a rush that you hadn’t even taken the keys. As you took off your shoes, you heard Pete made his way to the entrance and you took a seconds or two to look at him. Judging by the enormous bag under in eyes you guessed he hadn’t had much sleep last night, his eyes were glossy giving you a clue on how he spent the night crying. He looked miserable and you presume that you looked the same. He approached you slowly like he was scared that you would reject him. When he realized that you were not angry at him but rather hurt, he internally felt like dying. He had always sworn to make you happy, laugh, to protect you and in the end, he was the precise reason you were pained. He rose his hand to help you to take your coat off and you noticed that his hand was shaking.
“I am that intimidating?” you humored him, and he smiled sadly at you. You then proceed to follow him in the living room, as you sat on the couch, he paced around the room. Your eyes followed him closely as he was moving, chewing on his lips, and playing with his sweatshirt. He eventually locked his eyes with yours and decided to sit down in the armchair in front of you.
“I am sorry, I fucked up immensely, I don’t even have words to tell you how sorry I am. What I did, what I told you, it was unspeakable, ignominious, and if you can’t forgive now or never, I would get it but sincerely I am sorry. I can even begin describe how much I feel like the worse for making you feel like this, to have accused you of things you never did. You always had been there for me, always, even in the harder moments, you had always tried to make me feel better when I am low, you spent hours listening to me and my struggles and the only thing I do is to tell you that you don’t do enough. Fuck, I am so stupid. I should have listened to you. I know apologize are not enough, I realize how badly I hurt you, how from the start I was an ass. You baked me something I like and because I am feeling bad, I take all my anger at you, this is fucked up I am sorry. My mental health is not an excuse for what I did to you, to treat you like this it was awful of me. I felt anxious and attacked at work, so I attack you and this behavior, my behavior it can not lead us anywhere except to our downfall. You don’t have to forgive, you don’t have to say anything, I would get it you know, I am just sorry.”
You brushed away a tear on your cheek, you felt like crying and you couldn’t pinpoint why. Maybe because you were really hurt, or because this apology seemed so sincere or simply because you couldn’t stand to see him like this considering that he had realized how cruel he had been. You stood up and took his hands in yours, enjoying their warmth. You let him engulf you in his arms, intoxicated by his scent while he buried his head in the crook of your neck.
“What you said yesterday, it stung me hard, but I am willing to forgive you, Pete. But I don’t want to relive that again, not in few days, not in months, not in years. I want this to make us stronger, we can use this to advance, to be better, okay?” you whispered as you pressed your head against his chest. You felt him tighten his grip on you as he murmured back “okay”.
