Peacefully basking in river water and internal sunshine. I remind myself daily to be grateful. Not just for what I have but for this life in general. I live a good one, one that satisfies me, comforts me, and keeps me wanting to wake up another day.
Since March I’ve been in a particularly confused state of existing. I had accounted for this entire year to be spent in the desert and I have since made peace with the fact that that’s not the case. But Edmonds made it hard to see, breathe, and I began drowning in feelings and emotions I hadn’t felt in three years. I love my dad, I do, and I’m grateful to him for opening up his home to us. But his home is truly a dark pit of my own despair in a thousand ways that I’d rather not relive.
I have been so confused in my identity. Who I was, who I’ve been, and lining that up with who I currently am.
I have successfully minimized my world to me and what is directly around me. That’s all I wanted out of all this. My small self, my small home, my small life, small town. Mixing in anything that I can’t see with my eyes (including people, ahem, followers) confuses me. It turned me into a bizarre incarnation of a people-pleaser I think. Social media.
I’m happy in reverting my ways and sitting by the river quietly. Humbly.
A bit of very late spring cleaning in my head.
