i remember when my cat was dying and i was extremely upset about it, so much so that i would literally just sob whenever i saw him and i would cry in front of my parents. that’s not something i do—like ever. i don’t like crying in front of other people so i don’t do it. ever. but i couldn’t help myself because i was just that upset about the whole thing. so there were many times when i would just sob in front of my parents and i feel like any other parents would’ve done something, like given me a hug, or talked to me to try to make me feel better, or even given me a comforting pat on the back. but they didn’t.
i feel like that says so much. i feel like other parents would’ve comforted their daughter who was so obviously upset. i feel like if they truly cared about me then they would’ve done something, anything, to make me feel better. but they didn’t. that really says it all, doesn’t it?
i have so many memories of my mother hugging and comforting one of my brothers when he cried over a breakup. i remember when my father would hug my brothers before they left to go to college. or when they both told their sons how proud they were of them. but i have no memories of them ever comforting me, of them hugging me, and i most definitely don’t remember them ever saying that they were proud of me.
they won’t miss me when i’m gone, i know this. there is absolutely nothing anyone could ever say to me that would make me believe that they would miss me. because they won’t.
so i guess i just don’t know why i’m still here, especially when no one wants me here.
