h o m e 》goodbyes // train
Familial farewells pass with little event. My mother manages to turn on the tears, but neither me nor my father are convinced, and it is mainly the man guarding the door who seems taken in by her. You can always tell that her tears are fake, because she makes sure to cry in a manner where she still looks beautiful. Father, on the other hand, does not cry. I cannot imagine him crying, even as a baby, and I feel that to do so would be disrespectful, so I will drop the subject. He just looks blank, perhaps disappointed that I cannot be the Peacekeeper he has trained me to be. It is unusual, but he claps a hand on my shoulder, and the gesture is firm but not aggressive, perhaps even gentle.
“If you win, there will still be a place for you.”
“Thank you, sir.”
For a second, a flicker of something passes over his eyes, like clouds rolling by a keyhole. But then he removes his hand, stands up straight, and I mirror his stance.
“Goodbye, Ramus.”
“Goodbye, my darling baby boy! I love you!”
“Goodbye.”
They leave, mother’s act of feigned hysteria now dropped, (I could not tell her that I loved her back, because she is a liar, and I despise liars), and I am escorted onto the train by Peacekeepers who I know and have trained with. One, a red-haired boy barely older than me, pulls me into a friendly hug and I stiffen with astonishment that he would even consider doing such a thing, my arms at my sides. I almost consider tazing him, too, but he seems to remember himself, and lets go.
“Good luck, Ramus.”
“Cobb. And thank you.”
I board the train.
The inside is much more lavishly decorated even than my own home, and reminds me of one of the parties that my mother took me to, and a mansion owned by a rich man who she was trying to impress. Everything is in shades of red and gold. Good. Capitol colours. I want to look up, to take in the chandeliers, the elaborate carved ceilings, but someone enters and I stand to attention, expecting my partner, the Taveri girl. Instead, it is my Mentor and Escort, and I take a moment to take them in.
She, though I confess I have little eye for such things, is beautiful. Her hair is like my mothers’ when she hasn’t straightened it for the public gaze, and she smiles with straight white teeth. I am not used to genuine smiles, but I read that a genuine smile shows in the eyes, and hers does. I decide to like her, as she has proved herself in the past to be a good citizen, and not to cause any rabble or rebellion.
The man, Iago, has a much colder face. I have never liked his sharp tongue or crass jokes, but, I remind myself, he is an authority figure from the Capitol. That surely must cancel out any doubts I have about how genuine, how truthful the man is. I look both of them in the eye, click my heels together and salute. The woman smiles, and the man gives a snort.
“No need for the formalities, kid. I was only coming to tell you there’s a massive buffet in the other room, so if you wanna drop the creepy staring and go stuff your face, that’d be great.”
“And even if you’re not hungry, which I wouldn’t blame you for, the Reapings are about to start in there. It’s always useful to check out your competition. I’m not sure where Lapis is, but she’s probably in her room, and she can watch it in there or join us if she likes.”
Lowering my hands to my side, I nod at the woman and try to quell my rising irritation with the man. He is my superior. And anyway, it does nobody any good to let personal feelings get in the way of things. To make a fuss would be foolish. So, calmly and silently, I follow them into the next room.
Soft plushy seats covered in velvet sit around, and there is a long table covered with food on each side of the room, and a huge screen at the front. Iago is already seated, his plate piled high with brightly coloured and sugary pastries. Who would have thought that such a sour man would have such a sweet tooth, I think, and then reprimand myself for it. My mentor takes a bowl full of exotic fruits, and joins him. I myself decide to sample a purplish-brown stew that fills the air above it with thin fingers of smoke. Then I sit down, and watch as I eat.
District One, as always, look strong and confident. The girl has long, light hair and is stark and clean, and the boy has cold eyes and wears a smirk.
“One’s always competition, and this year doesn’t look like an exception. I’d do the normal and team up. It was a big help for me.”
I nod at her words, but I am not sure I like them. I am not sure they will like me. We will have to see.
Two is next, and as I watch the replay of me tazing Tuff, I can’t help but smile a little at the expression on his face. Then my face returns to mirror how it is on the screen - blank, solemn, stoic, void.
“You look very handsome, very strong, very composed. People will have you down as competition already, especially with the whole tazer thing.”
Iago snorts again. “Yeah, competition if they want to be the most boring teenager on the planet,” then he makes eye contact with Valerie, who gives him what can only be described as a look. “But yeah, I guess he does look pretty strong. Calm, and all.”
Now Three is up. The girl, I already have some respect for. She does not make a fuss, she does not seek attention, and he says that she hopes she can make Panem proud. As I am to be thinking of allies, surely a common goal is enough to unite people. The boy is quite small, quite thin, and there’s some dispute regarding his name that I don’t quite understand, but aside from that he does not really stand out.
“Dunno if the boy’ll last long, but I’ve got that chick pegged for a fighter.” Iago sucks the sugar off his fingers.
Then it’s the turn of the final Career District, Four. They are meant to be my natural allies. I watch closely. The girl seems confident, and she’s pretty, all to be expected from a Career. The boy surprises me a little, as he seems young, and has a very friendly face. Still, perhaps there is strength beneath the surface. Perhaps he is acting. Perhaps he is lying. I will not ally with him if he is.
Five is next. The girl has red hair, and a shocked expression. I can tell that she was not prepared for this. The boy, on the other hand, seems all too eager to step up. Odd for District Five, but I will commend him for doing what he must see to be some sort of duty. His demeanor is a little arrogant for my tastes, but maybe we will get along.
The rest of the Reapings pass in a blur, and all I can take in is who is confident, who cries, and who seems all too rebellious for my comfort. There are far more volunteers than I would have thought, and so many of them seem confident. It is a tough year to survive.
But at least if I die, I die doing my duty and serving the state, in a way.
When the Reapings are over and the woman on TV has stopped blabbering away, I go and take a shower, pick out a crisp white suit almost exactly like my Reaping attire, and pin on my Peacekeeper badge. I may not be one yet, but I am sure that I am allowed to wear the badge my father gave me. I want the others to know what I believe in, what I am fighting for. I do not understand why so many are against the simple notion of peace.
The train stops, and our party offloads into the Capitol. And this city, this city who are my caregivers, the home of my ruler, the place I serve - this city is far more beautiful than I could have imagined. I am not an emotional person, but the size and scale of it make me pause, for a moment, to take in the colours of the fashion and the decoration and the billboards, and the smell, as though the streets had been doused in perfume, but sweeter and far less pungent than the floral alcohol my mother drenched herself in.
Then I regained my composure, and we made our way into what was to be our new home for the next few days.
But I could not help but wish, as fools and dying men do, for more time.
