I’m sick. I’ve been sick for weeks now. I have an internal infection, which was found after TWO visits to the emergency room, a rectal exam, urine samples, blood tests, a CT scan, and yes...even pooping into a friggin cup.
I didn’t go to the emergency room until Friday, after being obviously not well for a significant amount of time. When I got there, I texted my oldest sister, “I always feel like a drama queen coming here”. Then after her lovely and supportive response I said, “Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time and resources”.
She fully understood, as I think most women will. We are, and have been, taught to be small, not cause too much of a fuss, don’t rock the boat. Even when our insides are screaming that something is wrong.
Y’all know I’ve got that pattern of being drawn to narcissists. Couple this with the messages I’ve received since I was school aged that I’m too bossy, a know-it-all, think I’m better than everyone...and well, my insides have consistently screamed that something was wrong. The go-to tactic to solve this though...what am I doing wrong? How can I fix this? Maybe if I just soften my approach, or am less outspoken.
Even when I have been repeatedly rejected, part of me will continue to search for the error in my ways. And I’ll try again. Placing myself, yet again, in that position to be hurt.
When I’m comfortable and safe I am outspoken. And bossy. And regarding some things I’m a know-it-all. And on my most recent first date, I simply declared these things. Not as things to be corrected, but as parts of who I am. These things have worked for me in my life. I’ve been a boss, I’ve gained wisdom through experience, I will speak up (now more so for myself than I ever have before).
After being on the never-ending giving side of compromise, fuck it. I’m taking up my space. Ruined insides and all. Look the fuck out.
