I have many feelings and thoughts about this trip, but I just put my finger on why I'm apprehensive in particular about going back to the (Third World) Motherland - in a nutshell:
I'm afraid that, because I haven't been back since my family emigrated my ass out of there and into the First World, I won't be allowed to enjoy it like the tourist I will actually be when I return. Whether this is true or not is another story, but the pressure from a culture and family I've never known is already pushing up on me, resisted with the full weight of a very first world upbringing; along with all the might of a modern, privileged (albeit grateful and hustling), and No Fuqs attitude. Plus I'm tanned really dark right now - and we all know what meaning Asians attach to darker skin; particularly Asian grandmothers (mine), and um, actually like, a chunky ass slice of society in general. Socio-racia-nomics.