#softly going

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12.22.2023

Not going to lie, it's been a really hard year.

We started off with New Year's Eve 2022 in the middle of the night needing to call an ambulance because my husband couldn't breathe (pneumonia!). He spent the night and day in the ER.

A day or so later my cat started breathing heavily and not acting like his usual self. We took him to the veterinary hospital where he was put on oxygen. The vet could do nothing for him (xrays showed pockets of infection or cancer in his lungs) and so we had to put him to sleep.

A couple of days later my husband went to his doctor for the ER follow up and he had not at all improved so he was admitted into the hospital this time and spent a very shitty three days in there. He now has asthma as a result of the pneumonia that wouldn't go away. And of course we are still paying off his medical bills a year later.

I got into a lot of fights with my mom this year about childcare. She couldn't watch my youngest enough and while I tried to make it work, my performance at work was seen as unsatisfactory.

People treated me terribly at work. Sexism reared its ugly head, not that HR would own up to it though, because of course fucking not.

I was placed on a Performance Improvement Plan (which I'm realizing now I shouldn't have signed, but hindsight is what it is).

At this point followed four months of absolute hell at work. I had to cancel my week long trip to Italy to see my friend in this flailing attempt to keep my job.

It all culminated with me finishing the PIP with lukewarm indications that they might extend it. The feedback I kept getting to my face was that my performance was improving. The feedback that was written in the official documentation was that I was constantly failing. My manager and the HR person who were collaborating on this particular torture would lie and stretch the truth about my performance to paint me in the worst light possible.

I finally quit.

Now two months later I'm still looking for a job. Luckily we have savings but those savings run out in February so I need to get a job soon.

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6.12.2023

I'm drowning again, though unlike Piggy, pictured above, there is no one to lovingly hang me up to dry.

We got back from my work trip (we all went this time) on Friday and the meltdowns have been incredibly frequent since then. Today is the first day I haven't had the kids with me in two weeks.

Our dog got into the trash yesterday which means that now my husband has another project ahead of him to make our trash dog proof even when it's within his reach and we have to vacuum and shampoo our carpet because naturally, the dog dragged all of our trash there instead of keeping it on the kitchen linoleum where it would be easy to clean up. He is, of course, acting wounded that we dare be even a little bit grumpy at him about this. I continue to grow more resentful of having to take care of him, which makes me feel enormously guilty considering that I love him and it's not the dog's fault that we introduced children into our lives.

Also, of course, today is the day that our 14 year old Prius decides to act up and this time it's not the battery but some other thing that needs to be investigated. So more work for the husband, piled up in front of all the other house projects he wanted to finish before officially resuming work. Much as he enjoys being a house husband, he does need to actually finish his goddessdamned PhD, after which point he is more than welcome to resume being a house husband/home maker if he so chooses.

Since we just got back from a trip we still have to finish unpacking, there's a fuckton of laundry that needs folding, our house is a cluttered mess that we're painfully slowly trying to organize and create systems for (I'm excited that the bookshelf/cabinet combos for our bedroom will be arriving soon, so the books we're moving will finally have a home other than the stairs and our bedroom floor), medical bills still haunting us, and a bunch of life admin stuff that keep piling up. And that's to say nothing of the fact that I haven't managed to cook a dinner for us in like, months.

And I haven't watered the plants in forever.

And all the stuff I just listed above is just surviving, that includes absolutely nothing about any of my hobbies or striving for more at work or my volunteering (which is perhaps a pathway to other work and so even more important than just a hobby), NOTHING.

All this back and forth between thinking that maybe things are ok and feeling like I'm drowning is exhausting. Why can't I just get it together enough to feel like I can just live without constantly gasping for air?

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Bloom where you unintentionally find yourself, I guess. We're all sick again and the house is a mess and work is bad and I'm trying so hard not to give in to despair.

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8.1.2023

So much anxiety lately though I guess I'm glad that my husband helped me realize that what's wrong with me is that I have anxiety and that it's not my depression returning. It feels better, knowing that. I can figure out a way to cope with anxiety.

The photo above is one I took when I was doing retail therapy at the craft store. I felt some type of way about these wooden bird houses. Just so incredibly wrong. I'm anxious about the state of our house. It's always cluttered and we have neither the time nor the energy to declutter or clean. I want to hire someone to clean but it feels like giving up and if it's a cluttered mess anyway how much can a housekeeper clean anyway? Can we even afford it? I feel like I'm drowning again, can we afford not to?

Looking at those bird houses I felt absolutely insane. And buying a bunch of sketchbooks didn't solve my issues, imagine that.

My biggest worry is work of course. I'm not doing enough. I'm not working enough hours. It's time for the mid cycle review and I feel sick thinking about having to account for the work I've done the last six months. I keep saying I'll turn it around and then never do. All I keep thinking is that I should find a new job to run away from my failures here but as I already know, wherever you go, there you are. I've felt like this at every job I've had. A new job won't fix my lack of commitment.

I have to start being more efficient and committed during my few day time work hours because I can't get up early and I can't always commit to working at night. I'm too tired after I see the kids off to bed.

As always, I'm tired of being awful to my kids and not being patient enough with them. I constantly have a timer running on my mind of the time I'm with them but I'm thinking about work or how little sleep I'm getting. It's not their fault, I need to get over that.

I've decided to follow that one skeleton meme approach to all these bad feelings. "If it sucks, hit da bricks!" Well, these feelings suck and I am just going to leave them behind. There is nothing wrong that I can't fix.

I don't have childcare for my youngest today or tomorrow but my husband will take her out of the house for a bit so I can work. I will also not nap today and will work while she's sleeping. I will knock out my current project and then do my work self reflection later with a sense of accomplishment. My second thing is to go to bed earlier. If I'm less tired, I'm more patient, simple as that.

So, 1. Stop avoiding work

2. Go to bed early

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6.16.2023

As with my journaling in my youth, I seem to only get around to it when I'm feeling down, making for something of a terrible reading experience for me. And thus, today.

Yesterday was great! I had a great final wrap up meeting for my project wherein the guy in charge I don't like working with was incredibly thoughtful, supporting, and validating instead of critical, which I had expected. The weather was lovely and I felt in control of my life, my day, and my emotions in a way I hadn't for a while. And I kept my cool in the face of child meltdowns, which is ultimately my most important measure of success. And I finally had my penultimate appointment for my arm tattoo.

Today my tattoo is leaking (totally normal, just uncomfortable until I change the bandage), and I was incredibly late to drop off my son at summer camp. And it just kind of underscored for me how we're always late and add I'm the one in control of the alarm in the mornings, it's always my fault. It's hard to sit in that painful truth.

All my good intentions to go to bed early (though I can sometimes do this) and waking up early (I can never do this) go by the wayside in the face of, I want to just relax or sleep in a bit longer. And its not good for anybody, especially my kids who are just learning their way in the world. And I'm tired of the stress and shame it brings.

Being late imparts the message that I don't have my shit together and that I don't care about other people's time or about inconveniencing them. And while that's not my intention, that's the result.

So can I do it? Can I make the solemn vow not to be late anymore? I start today.

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5.31.2023

Another day of no full childcare, though my oldest is at preschool. Luckily my project is winding down and I just need to do a few things to close it out before the company meet up next week. Speaking of which, I need to do a few things for that trip, including rent a car, figure out our route and stops, and fill out some paperwork. And figure out my schedule once we're there.

To do

Work:

Finish ship review

Code

Postmortem

Figure out next project

Meet up schedule

Rent car

Meet up paperwork?

Route/stop

Personal:

Grocery delivery order

Schedule well child appointment

Appointment

Paperwork for camp

Fold laundry

Cook dinner

Declutter stuff

Manicure

pedicure

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5.24.2023:

Things are finally looking up! I finished setting up my ship review so now I have a bit of "down time" to do some personal admin/house stuff, which I have been seriously behind on.

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5.22.2023

Things are blooming and smelling lovely, the weather is lovely, and I WILL NOT PANIC.

I even have partial childcare today and I will get this fucking screen shot utility to work! It doesn't help that the guy in charge is breathing down my neck complaining that my project is taking a long time even though he didn't take the time to actually read the timeline to see why it's taking so long. Even though I have to keep arguing for why the thing I'm doing right now is necessary. It will all be ok.

And I'm not saying I'll get fired but in the worst case scenario the guy does fire me or something, I have enough savings for my family to be ok for a couple months while I find another job. Though obviously I'm hoping things are not that dire, I do like to remind myself that it'll be ok nonetheless.

The to do is simple: get the screenshots and do the ship review!!!