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night-zaveri replied to your post: Solar (8/?)

LORE! LORE! LORE! LORE! RYAN MY BOY!! Also, don’t worry about taking to long to write the chapters, I’d wait however long is needed

hehe just those lovely hints at ryan lore :) and maybe a hint at those lovely powers of his, not the most fun to use if/when he loses control over it. even something that may seem as “mild” as it has consequences

#night-zaveri #solar talk #thanks friend!#i just want yall to know i am working on it #theres so much more to build in it

I thought to myself god you should stop vaping. I such an expensive habit and while I don’t have a job I should waste money on those kind of expenses. Then my vape died and I went to the smoke shop to buy one more, maybe a $20-$30 purchase. Instead I ended up buying 3 vapes for $70. Bestie what the fuck did you do????

#solar talk

Back to overthinking. If you do someone a favor are you supposed to stick around and hang out afterwards? My sister in law asked me to drive her to the mechanic to replace her tires, and of course I agreed, mainly because it means I get to spend some time with my nephew. But after it was done I went home and now I’m worrying my sister in law thinks I don’t wanna hang out with her, but also she didn’t ask me to stay. But she’s also a quiet person and I could see her just not saying anything. Brain please shut the fuck up.

#solar talk #solar vent

For the last month I’ve been considering going to school to get my bachelor’s degree after getting my associates. I wanted to figure out what kind of career I’d want and what I should major in before looking. I finished my last class for my associates degree yesterday and today my family is asking about what I want to do for a career, and if I’ve considered what I’ll major in. I don’t even know for certain I want to go back for my bachelor’s. Finishing my associates felt like a chore and I’m glad to be done with it, because I know it’s gonna be good for my future but now I’m putting myself back through this for even longer so that I can get another degree that I currently don’t care about. Again I know it will be good for my future and that’s why I’m interested in pursuing it but I’m still trying to figure out how to better my present. At least let me have a day or two of not thinking about school or work. It’s not even been 24 hours since I finished my last assignment. I hate talking about school and work when I don’t have a plan going towards things because people always want to tell me what I should do. It’s a big reason I have issues with one of my grandmothers, because she will not stop telling me what I should do next in life. I want to figure out what I like and find a career based off of that. I know they are just trying to help me, but I didn’t ask for the help and I don’t want it. I don’t know what I want but I always feel like I’m failing or falling behind when they give me these talks. I just got my associates degree, I work hard at my jobs even if they make me suicidal, I’m making an effort (a failing effort but an effort none the less) to better my self, my hygiene, and my cleanliness. I’m also severely depressed with other mental health issues adding to the mix. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, or start myself on a project before its deadline but I still get things done and I don’t want to feel like I’m falling behind when it takes everything for me to get where I am.

#solar talk #solar vent

This is kind of a vent post. Kind of just me talking through my thoughts. Maybe it’s the same thing?

I want to be so petty but I can’t. I mean I probably could but it’d be better if I didn’t.

So a couple years ago my parents kicked me out and I was living with my friend. I’d slept over at their house more than mine a lot of times so it was a quick transition. After a couple months tension started to build between us and by the time I left we’d gotten into a couple fights. To the point we didn’t talk after I left.

A year passes and they’ve moved out of state. I’m starting to rekindle my friendship with our shared friends, since I left I wanted them to have people they could lean on still without me around. And they even took a road trip to go visit my old friend. But after they started hanging out with me, apparently their efforts to remain friends with my old friend weren’t enough. They removed all of our friends on Snapchat, telling one of them if anyone wanted to know why they could reach out.

One of our friends who was as close to my old friend as I was if not closer reached out because what the fuck they had been friends for years. And the reason they gave for blocking everyone was bullshit for many reasons but the one that upset me the most was that they claimed our friends were breaking their boundaries by hanging out with me again.

I can’t tell if I miss this friend or if I hate them, but tonight I’m leaning more towards the hate side of the spectrum. A video popped up on my feed about boundaries. I’ll link it below because it’s very informational and useful for those who struggle setting boundaries (like me).

But it’s unfair of them to set a boundary that controls who our friends hang out with, especially if you won’t discuss with them that boundary. I think it’s bullshit that they claimed our friends had broken THEIR boundary by hanging out with me, when they were never involved or had to interact with me. But if it was something they had discussed with my friends and our friends agreed to it, then what can I do.

I feel guilty about a lot dealing with that relationship. I blamed myself for their move, thinking our friends would blame me too. I blamed myself when it seemed they drifted apart from our friends, especially when the friend that was closest with them cried with me as we talked about them. And now I blame myself for the complete cut off of contact with our friends. Our friends cared for both of us, and they’re hurt now because our relationship didn’t work out. I at least drifted away without officially cutting ties, let myself be forgotten, but they slammed the door and locked it behind them with no way for our friends to recover the friendship they once had.