#solar vent

[queersolarfandompage]

⚠️Tw Vent, kinda⚠️

For the last couple of years I have had a bad relationship with food. It wasn’t necessarily the food that was the problem, rather it was the cost of it. After graduating high school my parents kicked me out over a disagreement. I started living with my best friend at the time, and their parents welcomed me into their home. However my friends parents had no responsibility to take care of me, so I never felt comfortable eating their food or drinking their beverages. I felt like I needed to prove my worth to even stay in their home. I cleaned up after my friend and helped with babysitting their nephew whenever I was asked. Things ended poorly with my friend and I ended up moving in with my older brother. But I kept that same mindset. This is my brother, he has no reason to take care of me, no responsibility for me, but my brother was insistent on eating dinner together so I couldn’t refuse the meal. But I didn’t often snack on their food or eat meals besides the ones we’d eat together. Neither my friends parents or my brother told me to be self sufficient, I’m sure they would have both been alright if I relied on them, but I became so focused on the idea that they had no reason to take care of me, that I shouldn’t become another burden on them. Eventually I left my brother’s and moved back into my parents. A year and a half had passed, and by this point the relationship I developed with food had stuck. My parents let me know that if I needed anything to let them know, and for a few weeks I did, but then a switch flipped in my head and I began buying my own groceries. I had the money to buy food, even if it was just ramen and sandwich stuff. Then I got Covid, and I couldn’t stomach the idea of eating. I felt nauseous thinking about food, and nothing ever sounded appetizing. If I forced myself to eat my stomach would be in pain for a while after until the food settled. I quit my job, due to the stress of the job, school, and the lack of energy I had due to my illness. I’ve survived the last month on the remains of my money, but it’s slowly dwindling out and as a result I’m more finicky when making purchases. I’ve been living off of cup of noddles and peanut butter because my stomach could tolerate those things but now I can’t even stomach the thought of eating them. I realize if I talk to my family about relying on them when it comes to food that they would most likely agree to help me but I also can’t imagine what I’d even ask them for. My parents eat a specific diet, and they’d have to go out of their way to pick up food that isn’t part of their diet. My food would be cheaper than there’s, but I also don’t even know what foods I would eat. Anyways instead of solving this problem I will just continue suffering until I get a new job or die of starvation. /nsrs

In other news I’ve got an interview tomorrow.

[queersolarfandompage]

So I start my new job today and I already am pulling back from it. First off I have to dress up everyday, gotta have good hygiene, gotta control my hair. Bestie I’m depressed and struggle to get out of bed everyday. How do you expect me to pull all my shit together at once for a job? I’ll also be dealing with people all day. Why the fuck did we apply for a customer service position. I hate people. And now I have to sit and listen to them all day? Nah. But I feel like I’m stuck with the job. Having a job I dislike is better then not having a job at all or a job that stresses me out to the point of fucking up my mental health. We’ll see how today goes

[queersolarfandompage]

Overthinking about a snap I sent my friend where I told him he’s one of two of my favorite cis men. Meaning him and my younger brother. And he replayed the snap and now I’m panicking because he’s a gay gay who’s pretty feminine sometimes. He’s got a gorgeous earring collection and a female character he dresses up for social media. And I know he’s open to the idea of being trans, I believe he uses he/they pronouns, but I’m not 100% certain. And I’m worried he’s gonna be like, babe I’m not cis. And I’m so worried that he came out to me with this at some point t and I just … forgot. Why my brain gotta overthink things?

[queersolarfandompage]

⚠️Tw vent, suicide, depression, panic attack⚠️

Had a panic attack today. I was doing so well. I didnt have a lot of money left but i was budgeting it well enough. Then my prescription which was normally under $20 is suddenly nearly $70 and all of my budgeting went down the drain. Its been awhile since ive had a panic attack and i hate how numb im feeling now. I can still feel tears forming anytime i tyink too much about my situation, but otherwise I feel empty. I wanna puke. I feel like I’m gonna puke. I couldnt brrath anf bo obe was around. I cant ask for help now, I don’t feel like I deserve it. I should’ve worked harder. I should be more independent. I couldn’t reach out to anyone when I was having the panic attack and now that it’s over with why should I bring it up again? My family will be upset both with themselves and with me for not reaching out but I can’t stand being emotional, especially around others.

It makes me think of a time where my dad was home more often. I’d go to him with my breaks downs and his way of handling it calmed me down, but never helped. He always presented me with logic and facts, reminding me there are some things that can’t change and that I should learn to focus more on the things I can change. To look for the silver lining and learn from my situation.

Today was just a bad day. It started off way too early, on a dark road with nothing to distract me from my thoughts. I should’ve put on music, who knows I might’ve but it didn’t help. I can’t imagine a future in which I’m happy. I’m supposed to live and work until I die. I’m supposed to devote vast amounts of time to a job or career, when no job or career is something that brings me joy. I’m supposed to socialize in my free time but what free time do I have?

Like a job gives you money, but you lose out on time.

Socializing takes time and money in return for happiness(?)

So I work and then don’t have time for friends, or I don’t work and don’t have money for friends.

My budget was tight but it was manageable. Yes there are something’s I would go without to make my dollars last, but it was fine. Now I’m worried about having enough money for gas. I’m planning to visit my friend’s resting place in a couple days, will I have the money to buy her flowers like I wanted?

My head hurts. I’m too wide awake. I feel sick. Why can’t I just be happy? I worked a full time job and I hated life. I’m putting myself back into college and I’m unhappy. I had a time where my life revolved around my social relationships yet still I wasn’t happy. Will I ever be happy?

I miss who I used to be and I hate who I am now but I don’t have the energy to go back. I don’t have the energy to put in effort, for a job, for my schooling, for my family or friends. I just want to be alone and numb. I don’t want to be alone and numb.

Wouldn’t the world be better without me? I mean how many people would actually miss me? My mom and younger brother live so far away we don’t see each other often. They’d learn to live without me since they already do. My older brother and his family would be out an extra babysitter but it’s not like we see each other too often. My nephew isn’t even old enough to remember me. My stepmom would be devastated. But her life would move on. Monday would come and she’d go right back to work. The house would be quieter, and that might eat away at her for a while but eventually things would be the same. My father works over the road so the time I get to see him is often short. He’d probably take my death the hardest. He always wanted to have a happy family. It didn’t work out with my mother but he found someone else who makes him happy. My older brother was too headstrong to fit into the nice family picture my dad tried to make, and they fought more often than not. Now I’m his last chance at having that happy family. The normal nuclear family that he wanted. The child that he wanted to cherish. But I’m broken and he knows it. He slowly tries to piece me together, encouraging me to experience different things in life in the hopes I’ll find something that will make me whole again. But I’m breaking faster then we can pick up the pieces and the things I’d used as glue before are deteriorating. If I died he’d loose his last precious child and it’d destroy him. But my father is stronger than I am. He’d pick up his pieces eventually, though it would take time to glue himself back together I’m sure he could manage. I feel like I’m broken to the point that some pieces can’t be mended. Some pieces of me disintegrated away to dust and no amount of glue can put them back together.

While I’m not mentally stable I am not at risk of harming myself, so please don’t worry about that if you’ve read this far. I mean I did tell my parents I was suited for psych ward life but that’s another financial burden I’d have to consider eventually. It just feels like I’m drowning, and I’m swimming towards the surface as hard as I can but I just can’t break free of the water engulfing me.

[queersolarfandompage]

We thinking too much today. Unfortunately it’s drifted to darker topics. I have a hard time understanding death. Like I don’t mourn like most people would. I have a hard time crying, especially when others are around. And I’ve been thinking about an old friend of mine, with all of the Gypsy Rose stuff going around. My old friend was very interested in the story of Gypsy Rose, having lived with and abusive mother herself before she moved in with her father. She introduced me and some other friends to The Act, and that is the only experience I had with Gypsy Rose. My friend passed away almost three years ago now and I keep going back to that night, sitting on her living room floor, surrounded by other friends and blankets, as we watched The Act. My friend will never know about Gypsy Rose’s release or any of the following news. I see all of the news about Gypsy Rose and I just want to send it to my friend… but I can’t. I’m going to visit her grave in about a month. I figured I haven’t seen here in a while and with the three year anniversary of her death coming I feel like I should go visit her.

On a more angry note fuck medication costs. My friend was diabetic, and we believe she passed because of her diabetes. I remember her worrying about the price of insulin, and it was never something I had to be concerned with. But that might’ve been one of the last conversations we had. Fuck cooperations for jacking up the price of medications that are essential for life.

[queersolarfandompage]

Back to overthinking. If you do someone a favor are you supposed to stick around and hang out afterwards? My sister in law asked me to drive her to the mechanic to replace her tires, and of course I agreed, mainly because it means I get to spend some time with my nephew. But after it was done I went home and now I’m worrying my sister in law thinks I don’t wanna hang out with her, but also she didn’t ask me to stay. But she’s also a quiet person and I could see her just not saying anything. Brain please shut the fuck up.

[queersolarfandompage]

⚠️TW vent⚠️

Realizing today why I don’t enjoy Christmas anymore. It calls for people to get together more. I enjoy hanging out with friends, but every family get together are awkward, making small talk with people you know and kind of know talking about my two least favorite subjects school and work. I spend more time hidden in a corner wishing it wouldn’t be seen as rude if I spent the remainder of the event on my phone since no one bothered to talk with me past our initial greeting. Every conversation I partake in has to be instigated by me, except for with immediate family. If I wanted to talk with someone my dad’s side of the family offers; men - talking about trucking, hunting, or some kind of project they’re working on, women - usually the women gossip of complain otherwise they talk about child care, of children - besides my baby nephew most of these children are brats. Tonight for our Christmas I got hit in the head several times, had a cousin try and shake up my soda every time I set it down, dealt with a child screaming and throwing a tantrum because on of the younger kids kept knocking over his tower, after the cousin continued to knock over everyone else’s towers. But the kids are the easiest to get along with so I usually play with them. On my mothers side we’ve got Great Grandma and her five daughters - too intimidating to talk to, they will judge me on my career choices of my education choices and tell me what I should be doing, the tweens - one of my cousins kids and their friends(?) I genuinely don’t recognize some of these kids, they’re all bratty so I never really interact with them, the misfits 1.0 - my grandmother’s family. I fall into this group and am comfortable chatting with most people in it except for one of my uncles, the misfits 2.0 - consisting of my methhead uncle and the two angry siblings who blame their mother for all their problems when she is the sweetest woman alive, I try and avoid talking to most of this group.

So to recap I’m forced into a social situation where I’m left uncomfortable no matter what I decide. But I have to go otherwise family will start messaging or calling me about my absence. I’d rather be doing my own thing but I have to participate in this social hell. Then to make things worse we add in gifts.

I’m expected to spend my money buying nice thoughtful gifts for family I barely talk to, and if I don’t I feel like an asshole because I’m no longer a child I’m an adult and I should be giving back. So I spend time picking out gifts and I spend money paying for them, I’m happy with myself because I got things I genuinely think the recipient will enjoy.

And I get my own gifts. For many years I wouldn’t make a Christmas list because there wasn’t anything I necessarily wanted. So if I wasn’t happy with my gifts, then it was my fault for not telling people what I wanted. But for once I put in effort and I made a list for those asking what I wanted. I gave suggestions of things I liked of clothing I was wearing. I got one thing that I asked for. Between my mom’s families Christmas, my dad’s family Christmas, my friend’s Secret Santa Party, and gifts from my parents, I got one thing that I asked for. And I don’t want to complain because I am thankful that I was even given something, but I put effort into making shopping for me easy. I had a relative ask me what I wanted and I told them a flannel. They asked if I wanted a flannel shirt or jacket and I told them I wanted a shirt. Well after answering some more questions the relative decided to talk with my stepmom about the flannel and my stepmom decided I needed a jacket. Jackets make me uncomfortable, they feel bulky against my arms and back and I don’t like them. My parents used to fight me to wear a coat until I stole one of my dad’s old jackets and I use that to this day. My point being I didn’t want a jacket and my stepmom thought I did because I always use my dad’s old jacket. And my relative listened to her on what I wanted over me. Why ask me if you’re just going to ignore my answers? Why should I put in effort to make a Christmas list and pick out perfect presents for others when my effort is ignored? And then to top everything off it started snowing today and I ran into something on the drive home and broke my side mirror.

Anyways now we all know why I’ve started hating Christmas

[queersolarfandompage]

Having a panic attack because you realized while you are better at communicating your emotions you’ve reverted to shutting your emotions away and now you don’t even know what you’re feeling at all given point in time and everything makes you feel numb. Haha I just got done hanging out with my friends and realized I barely said anything. I’m not funny, and I couldn’t keep up with their energy level even with my sugar and caffeine. I used to fit so easily into my friend group but now I feel like and awkward rock that just gets in the way.