Why Do You Make Me a Worse Person?
In which Enigma has to deal with the fact that the current you is not the past You he knew. A ghost of the storm coming to haunt him, now reincarnated into someone he both intimately and barely recognizes. Or, what if Enigma’s past lover was reversed and came back as someone new yet familiar, and he is starting to form a weird, toxic relationship with them? Also, your past self haunts him in his nightmares, and even you.
Enigma x (gender neutral) Reader - word count: 3,476
Crossposted with Solmuse on Ao3
Content warning: 18+ (mdni) | ooc Enigma | possessive and yandere-like Enigma | bruises | choking | night terrors | cursing | body horror | toxic relationships | fwb? Undisclosed intimate relationship for sure, you and Enigma are not dating | grinding | messy making out | suicide mention | murder mention | messy point of view writing | mention of reader death | brief mention of Ulrich and Greta | spoilers for ch6
When you wrap your hands around the neck of a person, you notice how delicate they are.
That is what Adler Hofmann thought as he sat above you, knees trapping you beneath his body and the bed, hands firmly clutched around your throat. He squeezed lightly, barely applying pressure. Adler could feel you swallow, trying to accommodate the new and uncomfortable sensation he was responsible for. Your throat bobbed up and down nervously as your airway was slightly constricted. Pulse beating loudly and ever-present beneath his palms.
‘You can do whatever you want, Enigma...’
That’s what you told him, right? You told him he could do what he wanted; that you wouldn't fight him. That he needed to de-stress. However, he could sense your hesitation when you first felt his fingers wrap tightly around the soft skin of your throat. A part of you tried to fruitlessly convince yourself that he would not truly kill you. But even you weren’t sure, the longer you two stayed in this rather compromising position, with his hands gripping your windpipe tighter and tighter. He just needed to check if you were alive. Feel the warmth emanating from your skin into his cold, clammy palms.
Your eyes flickered around the room before landing on his. A golden hue clouded by his inner conflict, muddying the color. Dark eyes. Eyes you love. Those eyes that look at you with both pity and contempt. Like you were something precious. Or something sinful. Or a ghost. Or someone worth his scorn. Or someone long gone.
You had no idea what possessed you to intertwine yourself so intimately with a man such as Enigma.
He was complicated, difficult to decipher. On occasions, he would avoid you like the plague and pretend he had absolutely no time to speak to you. Other times, he would be so overbearing that you felt like you were suffocating under his constant surveillance. You felt like you had to walk on eggshells around him at times, and passive-aggressive comments would be thrown between the two of you sometimes.
Despite his ambivalent temperament, a deep (badly) hidden attraction pulled you towards him. You wanted to peel each layer of his psyche little by little until you reached the tender core of his being that you knew was there. Nevertheless, there were times you wanted to beat some sense into him... literally.
There was an occasion that, after a heated discussion about morality and existentialism, you grabbed Enigma’s collar tightly and shoved him straight against the wall. The violence and speed at which you pushed him surprised both you and him. His eyes were wide, and his mouth twisted into a pained sneer. Enigma could not have looked more pathetic… and you felt guilty for receiving even the slightest bit of satisfaction at his shocked and pained expression. Uncomfortable and suffocating silence permeated the room, except for the ragged breathing of Enigma and yours.
Then, your waist was grabbed, and your lips were smashed against his. It wasn’t gentle nor sweet, far from it—frustration, lust, and longing all mixed into a confusing potpourri of unspoken emotions. You had half a mind to pull away from him, fearing some coworker would catch the two of you like this. You cursed him for awakening such feelings in you and kissing you so unexpectedly. And you cursed yourself for having so much self-control and not just pulling him to the nearest vacant room to continue.
From that moment, some unspoken rule (or was it a spell) was broken, and this slightly sadomasochistic relationship formed.
(You'd have to repent somehow, someway. Right? Why… did you have to repent in the first place?)
So, you offered to be someone he could throw his frustrations on in exchange for his time and past (along with the opportunity to pester him more directly). You weren't sure if this 'agreement' was even benefiting Enigma... and it seemed it wasn't. Despite this, you could not stop wanting to be close to him in any way you could.
You only smiled, trying to ease down the tension, and that irritated him immensely. Adler felt that the longer he was with you, the more he felt his mind slipping. A humorless, incredulous laugh erupted from his throat. Caught between a sharp inhale and sob. His head was starting to hurt. What the hell was he even doing? Why was he doing all this?
Was this how the storm syndrome felt? It had been a long time since he broke down. He shook to the point where his teeth clattered, and his hands twitched. Tremors racked his body. Enigma’s eyes widened, looking down at your own hazy ones.
Dark clouds. Wet ground. Inverted rain.
People screaming, laughing, convulsing, bleeding, jumping, breaking, singing, dying, dying, dying, disappearing.
Gone.
Your smile.
Your absence.
Your reappearance.
You were here, but You were not here.
You weren’t that Person.
That fact made him enraged. You weren’t the person he knew, the person he spent years getting to know. The One with whom he has shared laughter and tears. The person who understood him and knew how to slither themselves into his mind and pull the right strings to make him a somewhat functional human after the storm began. Or... were You truly all that? His head ached as he tried to recall bits and pieces of Your personality. But, thinking about it better, You also had Your own faults. Right? Did You–… Weren’t You the one who pushed him to his limit before? Why... why couldn't he remember how–...
Enigma grunted angrily.
He should have killed You the moment You begged him to. You were absolutely terrified of the storm. Of what would happen to Your loved ones. To You. To him. And he, like a bumbling coward, offered You empty promises of hope. Then, more and more people started getting reversed, and only a handful of you were left in LAPLACE. Before he knew it, You weren’t here anymore. His last thread of sanity. Now, he was at the same pit of despair You had been in. He broke and started to drink excessively. Greta warned him, guided him, scolded him, but Adler did not listen. He fell; everything sank into darkness… and he was in the rehabilitation center. Then, after some clarity came over him, he began to think. If only he had listened to You. At least Your body would be here, and You’d have a tomb he could crawl in and sob and bones he could hold and kiss. He promised himself that he wouldn't make the same mistake again. He would not let You slip from his fingers or let You face the burden of existence during this apocalypse alone. He will become Your savior by becoming your executioner.
However… he had you back. Maybe this twisted entity called Destiny was offering him a new start. Or it was punishing him terribly. Adler still did not know what it was. He swallowed. Your face turned blurry due to how absorbed he had been staring daggers at you and focusing on it. He hesitated; his grip loosened. He stumbled back, disoriented. Mouth gasping and opening and closing, much like how a fish would if it were fished out of water and it was choking on air.
You never knew how to react when he got like this, opting to dumbly rest on the bed as you waited for Enigma to calm himself down. However, it seemed he couldn’t drag himself into reality, and you weren’t sure how to bring him back. He always isolated himself when he was in a sour or depressed mood. You evaluated your next move carefully. Your eyes drifted down. You didn't notice until now how alluring his neck was.
In a swift motion that surprised Enigma, you flipped him around. Now it was you looming down on him. His expression darkened as Enigma grimaced. Sucking in air when your hand caught his wrist, almost like your touch was scorching hot. He avoided staring at your face directly now; his face turned to the side as he refused to meet your gaze.
“What. Are. You. Doing?" Enigma hissed, teeth clenching.
“Enigma...” You called to him. He did not respond. “Hey, Enigma…" Nothing, "Adler.” He froze. ‘Like a deer caught in the headlights,’ you thought to yourself as you leaned closer to his face. Your lips traced his jaw. Enigma shivered, letting a shaky sigh he did not know he was holding. "Adler, look at me." You just wanted to sink your teeth into his translucent skin. Litter his neck with bright purple and blue bruises. “Focus only on me, please.”
You went lower.
Lower…
Until you reached your destination.
Your teeth clamped down on the pulse. Adler gasped. A delicious, deep groan soon followed. You could feel it rumble where your hand lay calmly on his chest. Then, your hand slipped inside his shirt, fingers fluttering from his stomach to his abdomen and up his chest. Fingertips resting on his collarbone. His heart hammered wildly against his ribs, and he flailed lightly before slumping down defeated.
“Adler…” Your voice sounded sickeningly sweet. You even had their tone… how cruel. He truly was in hell.
With each piercing bite, you soothed the reddened skin with little kitten licks. Your other hand gripped the back of his head as your fingers tangled around his messy locks, pulling his neck back for more access. He allowed you, even if he was already thinking about how he would hide the hickys that would surely mark his flesh. "It's adorable how stubborn you are." With each pause, you deliver a tender kiss across the skin. "You push me away, hide away from your feelings, ignore me. But then you are crawling back to me as soon as I start ignoring you. You don’t fight me afterwards so much. This game of cat and mouse is tiring... but fun~"
"Y-you complain but… fuck… you do the same. Heh... if it is so... d-dammit, so tiring, why... do you even bother with me then?" The question was laced with concern and doubt, even if Enigma tried to suppress it from his voice. You silenced him with a kiss.
Adler's tongue lazily traced your lips, not to ask permission (he knows you'll oblige), but to tease you as payback. It’s funny how, despite you being the one on top and him being able to overpower you, he was being so demanding yet compliant. Bratty would be a better word to describe it. You opened your mouth and allowed him to plunge his tongue inside. It clumsily touched yours in a sloppy dance without rhyme or reason.
“Because I like you, Adler…” You whispered against his inviting lips before delving once again to join them.
He moaned into your mouth, and you swallowed each little cry that you managed to rip from his throat. Stubbornly, Enigma refused to be vocal, and it made you all the more eager to unravel him and pry more sounds out of him. The stubble of his chin scratched against yours, rubbing the skin raw. It offered you a delightful friction. The unbridled desire and messiness felt raw and human, and you longed for Enigma to let himself go and finally indulge in his desires. Abandon that self-flagellation he clings to so desperately, like bare hands holding barbed wire, expecting the pain to cleanse him of his sins.
He couldn’t remember the last time he was touched so intimately. Adler could feel his mind melting the more you two were pressed together. He wrenched the hand resting on his chest, daring to interlock your fingers with his, making you pin it to the sheets. His other hand clawed at your clothes, pulling you flush against his body. Inhibitions be damned. He squeezed any fold and crevice he could find as his kisses became even more aggressive to the point of clattering his teeth painfully against yours. You didn’t mind it so much, even if a shaky keen came out and your teeth tingled.
Seducer.
You were a seducer, a vile siren the flood expelled from the deepest part of its maw. And you were torturing him with each little, wanton mewl and breathy 'Adler' your wicked lips uttered.
Your lips. Their lips. The rain. Verdammt, he was going back to those painful memories again. He needed more. More to forget everything for a little while. Your sad smile soaked in rain.
“Scheiße…”
Carefully prying his knees open, you slipped between his legs. Adler fought the urge to wrap them around your hips even as you began to smoothly grind against him. He tried to focus on the feeling of his crotch being so close to yours, the wetness of your tongue, the sound of your moans. He began to frantically hump back, far more desperate and greedy for any semblance of pleasure. Anything to try and distract him or at least disassociate for even a couple of damn minutes–... but he couldn't.
How were you called before? What was your name?
“W-wait… wait!” Enigma gripped your shoulders and pulled you away from him with unsurprising strength. Your lips still chased after his, but you stood there as Enigma tried to catch his breath. His lips, red and glossy, the blush spreading from his ears to his neck. You were entranced. It made your chest swell in satisfaction at the even more disheveled state you left him in. Nevertheless, that satisfaction was short-lived as you now feared you pushed him too far.
"I-… I'm sorry... I didn't mean to get so intense, I–" You started but were interrupted with a surprisingly chaste kiss before you could finish your apology. It left you dumbstruck as you silently stared at Enigma.
"Is fine. Just... just got overwhelmed. That's all, hah."
"That’s okay, do you want to... continue or–…?"
"I–… would it be fine if we could just... sleep... next to each other instead?"
"Of course."
┈┈・ ✦ ・┈┈
Adler was grateful you were so understanding. He cringed at himself for sounding like an inexperienced teen when asking you to take a break after the heated make-out session you two had just had a few minutes ago. And how he gruffly asked you to spend the night with him like a spoiled brat. But he didn't trust himself at the moment. He wouldn't know what he would do if he were to be left alone with his thoughts. They terrified him. Besides, humans need to depend on others. After all, they are social animals. Or that is what everyone would tell him whenever he indulged in one of his unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Both of you were on your side, facing away from each other. Adler was the one who broke the silence.
"Thanks,’ his bottom lip trembled, "for being so understanding." He felt dumb for struggling to thank you properly.
You shifted a little. Silence. Adler thought you fell asleep, so when he was about to close his eyes, you responded.
"Why wouldn't I be?" Your hand found his back, soothingly stroking him. It made him flinch, unused to the affection you offered so freely. You had turned around, and now you were facing his back. He could feel your eyes on him.
"I... messed up the mood."
"You didn't."
"I did."
You scooted closer until your chest was pressed against his back. Your arm lazily circled his waist as you buried your face against his shoulder, nuzzling him.
"I... don't expect to have sex every time I'm with you, Enigma." He didn't know why it stung when you called him Enigma. He was more than happy to make others refer to him like that, but when you said it... "I am happy just doing this too, you know?" You murmured sheepishly. It was embarrassing to admit this so openly.
“Why…” He swallowed, the words thick and uncomfortable on his tongue. “Why are you so kind to me? I... I don’t get it. I don’t understand it. I-… I don’t understand anything!” Before he knew it, everything he had been holding in spilled out like a dam breaking. The words stumbled out before he could stop them, like rushing water. A jumbled mix of disjointed thoughts spilling out. “Why…Why is this happening to us? Why did my sister have… have to die? I… I tried so hard to find meaning in all this chaos, and whenever I feel like I know what is happening. The storm, arcanum, how to properly communicate with others. It’s like… someone waits for the right moment to pull the rug just beneath my feet. I... I am so tired. Why do you even bother getting close to me?! What do you get out of torturing me? W-why… why is this happening to me?”
You hugged him tighter.
"Because you’re a horrible person."
Adler froze.
“W-… what?”
Slowly, he turned his neck to face you. You were staring back at him. Eyes unblinking. A Blank expression. He gave an uncomfortable laugh.
“Because you’re a horrible person, Adler.”
You repeated. Each word clearly punctuated.
An inhuman grin started to slowly form on your face. It shot up and pinned him down on the bed; no matter how much he thrashed around, your grip would not loosen on his wrists. It hurt; its nails were clawing into the skin. He was certain it pierced through the flesh, and it was bleeding now. Adler could see how your (its?) facial features melted. Like hot wax, like wet oil paint drip, drip, dripping down oh god you were melting he could feel the bile falling on his face getting in his nose in his mouth he can’t breathe he can’tbreathehe’sgoingtodieohgodhelphimheisgoingtodieheIdon’twanttodiepleasehe−…
┈┈・ ✦ ・┈┈
Adler shot off the bed. Cold sweat dripped down his forehead and down his body. Cold, moist sweat drenched his clothes, making them stick uncomfortably against his skin. His eyes darted around his room, trying to find a source of light in the darkness. His breathing was labored, deep. He accidentally ended up swallowing his own spit, making him cough until his throat burned… but at least that distracted him for a couple of seconds. He really should keep a glass of water on his nightstand… Adler sat on his bed. He had awoken a couple of minutes before his alarm went off.
Adler turned to look and saw a slight dent in the sheets on the other side of his bed. He traced his fingers across the blanket, hand pressing and sliding up as he fixed the creases on it. It was still warm.
┈┈・ ✦ ・┈┈
His head hurt like crazy, and all he wanted to do was lock himself in his office, work on his files, and chug down the shitty coffee he was holding. He walked down the hall, making sure to avoid bumping into someone so early in the morning. Adler was not in the mood to speak. Well, he never was in the mood to speak but today was more unbearable than the others. He had a terrible migraine due to the lack of sleep and nightmares, and his joints hurt like crazy. He opted to stick multiple pain-relief patches on his neck to hide the love bites instead of wearing a tighter and higher turtleneck. Adler felt it would be attention-grabbing if he were to change clothes, and besides, the patches helped with the persistent ache he felt on his nape from long hours of sitting at his desk. Just as he was about to reach his office, he heard footsteps approaching.
“Good morning, Vice-Director Enigma.”
“Morning…”
Adler slowly turned around, trying his best to appear unbothered. You were wearing a turtleneck this time too. The corner of his lips twitched, a smirk threatening to graze his face. So, you opted to hide the bruises like that, huh? Embarrassed about showing them to others like he was. At least he knew that part was real and not a product of his sleep-deprived mind. Both of you were in the same boat, it seemed. You glared at him slightly, noticing his smug expression.
“I came here to give you the files you asked me to retrieve from Vice-Director Ulrich.”
“Ah, yes. Thank you.” His fingertips grazed yours when he reached out to grab the files. He felt electricity flowing through him. He wanted to hold your hand again. “Well, that saves me the trouble of having to go to his office.”
“No problem. See you around, sir.” You turned to leave.
"Hey... d-did we–…", he paused, debating whether to ask you about last night. Those words you uttered- words he felt he deserved. You waited patiently for him to gather himself, but he did not have the courage to ask you. Adler felt the pit in his stomach become heavier. “Nevermind."
He’d rather not know.