Jul 29, 2019
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What a fucking month. Um, it seems like all this year has been is a rollercoaster.... So, I lost my godmother at the beginning of the month, which was a big stab in the chest, cause she was one of my biggest cheerleaders and a second mom to me. And she was just such a talented artist, designer and baker/cook. So of course, when I go through something hard, my body responds and just as I was starting to feel better health-wise, I got sick again. Yaaaay. It's been scary cause there has been so much death in my family in the last 2 and something years. Despite my fear though, I feel grounded and accepting of everything. I am so grateful to have some of the most magical and loving beings in my life and that's really all that matters to me. That and art.
This is not a ''pity me'' post, this is a ''I'll keep moving forward and soaking in all the good I can get'' post. <3333
OK so a couple of nights ago I noticed that I'd start crying when I was sleep deprived. Like I could be bingewtaching a show, fighting off sleep and then get really upset about things.just insecure in general.
And I remember thinking it was kinda weird for my body to tell me to go to sleep by sending me crappy thoughts. Aren't bedtime stories supposed to be happy
Today, I realized that it could just be that as someone who spent a lot of nights crying myself to sleep in my younger years, it's natural for my body to link sleep time with cry time.
It's like, somewhere deep in my gut, a 2 step pattern was formed that said : first we cry, then we rest.
What I'm trying to say is trauma based patterns can take a while to shed. Even where you're doing better. You just have to keep a questioning kinda mind. don't take every feeling at face value. Dig deeper
Lumbago: The Body Speaks
My back gave way suddenly yesterday. I am not really surprised: My body has a long history of strong Somatic response to emotional trauma and stress – and I knew I could not go on, pretending to be cheerful and funny, any longer.
A lovely friend, whom I called upon in desperation (so unlike me), rallied round magnificently and took me to the Minor Injuries Unit. She was also very calming and…
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Migraine: First in ages...
Migraine: First in ages…
They started in my mid-teens: Disabling headaches, with accompanying aura, which had me bed-bound and moaning with pain in a darkened room. In 2003, I was hospitalised (and had a brain scan and lumbar puncture) with the worst migraine thus far: It went on for ten days or more.
What can I tell you? Severe, or continuous, stress brings them on. The one in 2003 came about three weeks into jury…
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Feelings
Last night my friend Alex and I were talking about how the sensation we get sometimes when someone is hiccuping while you’re talking to them and they don’t even try to get rid of their hiccups or when someone sneezes unreasonably loud and/ or doesn’t channel their sneeze through their teeth in the proper order so it sprays, and they keep doing that so you know it’s not an exceptional sneeze, how that is a similar feeling to when you read something outrageous in the news. I get mad at the person who is hiccuping too much or sneezing too obnoxiously. Like they’re doing something very unjust and I can’t do anything about it but maybe in the future I will start a sneezing school to teach people how to properly channel their sneezes in order to minimize spray, sound, and brain damage. Or teach people that it’s ok to pause a conversation to take a huge breath and hold it for a minute then release it quickly. But seriously, I feel myself start to lose respect for someone when they keep hiccuping even though I am also a person who hiccups sometimes. Again, this is not something I do consciously or on purpose. I just start getting unreasonably pissed off and start losing respect for them as a person. It’s really weird! Like I start wanting to not be there and wondering how constructed their whole personality is... when I am the one hiccuping, it feels like my whole world is turned upside down and facing into hell. I start getting mad and wanting to yell “I HATE MY LIFE” and really mean it... But then I get over these sensations and reason with my body/mind reacting to something like that. I still feel annoyed but I don’t actually disrespect the offender. Which is good.