Meetings Chapter 2- Despair
Summary: Peko struggles with despair and goes searching for her sword. Fuyuhiko isn't happy about it.
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The next day was hard. Peko had been warned about the possibility of experiencing a relapse of sorts, where she might feel herself falling back into despair. It was common amongst the remnants, each one having experienced it a handful of times. She was lucky to have been able to avoid it for the first month after awakening, but it seemed that her luck had run out.
It started early in the day, when Mahiru was suffering a headache at breakfast. It was just a headache, but Peko felt an inkling of guilt in the back of her mind, telling her it was her fault. She tried to avoid talking to Mahiru that day, but she caught a glimpse of the photographer glaring in her general direction that made the inkling grow larger and harder to ignore.
Soon she found herself going to the store room, looking for the bamboo sword that had been kept away from her. The others insisted it was for her own safety, but in that moment Peko found that she didn’t believe them. Part of her knew it was irrational, that she had no reason to use it anymore, but she couldn’t shake the desire to hold the weapon in her hand.
She remembered feeling a similar desire, when she was filled with despair.
Sonia found her just as she found her sword, and on instinct Peko went into a fighting stance, ferocity in her eyes that startled the princess into jumping back.
“What are you doing, Peko?” Sonia asked, hands up in a sign of surrender, “You aren’t supposed to have that.”
Peko blinked, standing up straight when she realized it was just Sonia. She kept her grip on her sword, still unwilling to give it up.
“I apologize for frightening you. I simply want my sword,” she explained, walking towards the door.
“I understand, but I must request that you leave it here!” Sonia insisted, blocking the only entrance to the room with her body.
Peko paused, slightly raising the sword to threaten Sonia before thinking better on it, “I do not understand. I will not attack anybody with it, I simply want to have it with me.”
Sonia frowned, disappointment in her eyes, but Peko didn’t care. Sonia wasn’t a Kuzuryuu, so her opinion did not matter.
“It isn’t that we think you’ll attack somebody, we know you won’t. We just...fear that it might be harmful to your recovery.”
“It will not be, now please get out of my way,” Peko insisted.
“Please be honest with me, Peko,” Sonia requested as she stood her ground, “Are you struggling with despair?”
“I can handle it,” Peko answered immediately, repeating her phrase from the night before.
“I see. Then…” Sonia paused, biting her lip as she thought about the best course of action, “leave the sword, ask Fuyuhiko if you may take it.”
Peko thought for a moment, then turned to gently place her sword back on a shelf. Sonia was right, she decided. He had been part of the group that decided she shouldn’t have her sword, so to take it now would be directly disobeying him. She was certain, though, that she could get his permission to take it back. She turned back to Sonia and nodded, and only then did the other girl move from the doorway, motioning for Peko to take her leave.
The two went their separate ways, Peko searching for the man she was struggling to not refer to as her master. She knew it was wrong, to think of him like that, but it didn’t make it any easier on her in that moment. Part of her thought she would always feel like a tool with a master who didn’t want her, and it only fed into her struggle.
She looked for Fuyuhiko in the dining hall first, then the lobby of the hotel. When she didn’t find him in either of those locations, she headed towards the cottages. She found him talking with Sonia in hushed tones outside of his door, and Peko felt her heart sink. Sonia was probably requesting that Fuyuhiko deny Peko’s plea, she decided.
She approached the pair as Fuyuhiko glanced up, feeling like an arrow was shot through her heart at the pity in his eye.
“Peko,” he said, cutting off whatever Sonia was whispering.
Sonia looked back at Peko, eyes widening when she realized she’d been caught.
“Fuyuhiko,” Peko answered, bowing her head slightly out of habit. She quickly picked it back up, but her eyes remained downcast.
Sonia took a step away from them, but she didn’t walk away like Peko had hoped.
“Uh...I heard you were…” Fuyuhiko struggled, unsure how to phrase whatever Sonia had been telling him.
“In the store room, yes,” Peko glanced at Sonia, who looked at her apologetically, then looked back at Fuyuhiko, “I would like my sword back.”
“You know you aren’t supposed to have it,” Fuyuhiko said, crossing his arms over his chest, “Why do you want it, anyway?”
“I…” in truth, it would make her feel more useful. If anything were to happen, she would have a better chance of protecting Fuyuhiko if she had her sword with her. That was the wrong answer, though, so she tried to find one that was suitable, “it would help bring me comfort.”
“How?” He pushed, and Peko found herself starting to regret asking.
“It is familiar,” she decided to answer, hoping that it would convince him to stop looking at her like she might break any moment.
“Okay...and why did you feel the need to ask me?” He continued his line of questioning, not giving into her request so easily.
“That is my fault,” Sonia piped in, “I told her to ask you if she could take it. I apologize for putting you in an awkward position, but do you see what I mean?”
“Yeah, but...Peko, I want you to tell me the truth. Are you just asking me because Sonia told you to?”
Peko almost gulped, feeling guilt overwhelm her. She knew she wasn’t supposed to see him as her master, but here she was, asking him for her sword.
“No. I thought it made sense that I should get your permission.”
Fuyuhiko sighed, running a hand through his hair, “Then I’m not giving it to you.”
“But young--Fuyuhiko, please--”
“No. I don’t want to see you with that stupid fucking sword, okay?” He insisted, voice raising as he spoke. Peko remained silent, hands grasped in front of her as he continued, “I’m not your master and I don’t want to be. You’re a person, and I want us to be equals, but if me telling you no is the only thing that will stop you from taking your sword, then I’m telling you no.”
Tears stung her eyes as Peko bowed her head. Accepting his scolding was always the hardest part of her job when they were growing up, and for some reason he seemed even angrier than usual. She had made so many mistakes, she should’ve known better than to ask for her sword. Of course he was upset with her, he had every right to be.
A small part of her seemed to enjoy the stinging pain of Fuyuhiko’s anger.
“Fuyuhiko, please don’t be too upset with her,” Sonia interjected, “Please remember how hard it can be to relapse, she is struggling very much right now.”
“I know,” he snapped, then taking a deep breath to try to calm himself down, “I know. It doesn’t make it any easier.”
“We talked about this. You knew she was likely going to act like this when she relapsed,” Sonia tried again, “This is passing, she will get better. Remember how Mahiru was, at first?”
“Don’t remind me,” he scoffed, turning his attention back to Peko, “I’m sorry for losing my temper at you.”
“It is alright. I shouldn’t have asked for my sword, it is my fault.”
“It isn’t your fault, and it isn’t alright,” Fuyuhiko sighed, “just...go on a walk or something.”
“Understood.”
With that, Peko turned and left. She spent her walk feeling guilty, like a failure for relapsing into despair at all. She was causing Fuyuhiko pain, and that made her own pain grow even stronger. She didn’t return to the hotel until lunch time, after a good hour spent walking around the island they were trapped on.
During the meal, everyone gave her the same frightened look, walking on their toes around her in the way that drove her mad. She couldn’t stand them acting as though she was about to fall apart, even when she did feel so fragile.