I used to tell myself there was nothing i could do about the FACT that my Dad never wanted me. He saw me and my siblings needs as a prison, like he had way better places to go. His dreams were bigger than me and he felt very sorry for himself. By the time I was a teen, he saw his work as done, his obligation fullfilled. Meanwhile i struggled with drugs, abusive boyfriends and poverty/homelessness, while he refused to let me come home because he wanted his space and privacy. I used to confuse my love for older men with a sexual fantasy, when in actuality I just wanted a Dad that cared. I scared away my share of happily married mentors with this confusion and imposition. I thought I was in love with you and tortured myself night and day, because your family is beautiful and you take your devotion to them seriously. You treat them like the gift that they are and not as the undesirable alternative to your dream-life. I used to think there was nothing I could do. I became bitter, jealous, envious of your beautiful children only slightly younger than myself. How proud you look in their graduation photos makes me cry because all I got is a stupid GED and associates degree and I didnt go to my own graduation because what was the point? There was no one willing to share my joy and hug me and hold me up with pride. This morning I caught myself wishing that YOU were MY Dad. Cue the sobering moment of revelation: I used to think there was nothing I could do to fix this wound my Dad put in my heart. I know better now. If and when a child enters my life, I vow here and now to follow your example. I refuse to be so self-involved that I fail to be a parent. I cannot WAIT to rise to the challenge and beam with them as they graduate. Cannot wait to bring them to your church with me and teach them to sing with the whole. I want them to be able to express all those feelings I repress and refuse to look at because I dont want to cry and I am too young to want to die this much. I wish you were my Dad...but you're not. Still, learning from your example will be the greatest journey I ever embark on. Thank you, Father C. For being who you are to me. I know what my soul must learn to evolve now, and you are the ray of light illuminating the road ahead.