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Miracles and Misery Pt. 2

We all listened with anticipation as she put the doppler tool on my belly. She tried one spot on my belly, then another, then another. She had me shift my position a bit and then tried again. Nothing. No familiar "whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh," that I so easily heard with my other 3 pregnancies. It felt like time had stopped and we were stuck. The anticipation and excitement I had coming into this appointment gradually gave way to dread and a lump in my throat. Hopefully it was just a fluke, hopefully for some reason the baby was hiding or something. Hopefully everything would be ok. . . (continued from Pt. 1):

The midwife calmly explained that she was having trouble finding a heartbeat but couldn't say for sure why until I had an ultrasound. We got up and left the room with heaviness. I wasn't giving up hope yet, but I sure was shaken. The ultrasound was scheduled for the next day and my parents watched the kids so just Asif and I could go.

I looked up what a normal 12 week ultrasound looks like so I would know what I should expect to see on that screen. As Asif and I sat in the waiting room, I felt that lump in my throat get bigger. I was so nervous to see that screen and so desperately hoping to see a normal 12 week baby moving around. When our turn came, the second I saw the screen I knew that the fuzzy, bumpy lump I saw in the corner of my uterus was not a 12 week fetus. Not moving, not developed, not alive. That was it, all my hopes of seeing a healthy baby were gone. It was over. That lump in my throat grew so big I thought I wouldn't be able to breathe. We did our best to hold it together in that ultrasound room with the tech there. But it all felt like a blurry fog after that. They scheduled an appointment with my midwife to discuss what would happen next.

In the car all the tears came rushing out. I didn't know how to process it except to sob. Asif had to stop at a coffeeshop he owned at the time and I waited in the car. While he was inside, a song came on the Christian radio station by Lauren Daigle and the words pierced right to my heart: "When you don't move the mountains I'm needing you to move, when you don't part the waters I wish I could walk through, when you don't give the answers as I cry out to you, I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in you." When I heard this familiar song at that moment, somehow I cried more tears on top of the tears that were already flowing and my heart just cried out to God with those words, "I will trust in you, I will trust in you!"

I knew that all I had left was to trust now, to believe that as horrible as this felt, it wasn't the end of the story. So the next day, at my midwife appointment, we discussed the fact that my body wasn't miscarrying naturally and what the options were. I could take this pill every few hours that might cause my body to miscarry, but it only worked sometimes for some people. Or I could have surgery to basically have everything in my uterus scraped out. I had never had surgery before, never been under anesthesia so I was very scared of that option. I asked to try the pills first and then have the surgery if that didn't work.

I had to act fast because the longer the products of conception were in my body, the more likely it was for me to get an infection. Asif had to photograph a wedding the next day, so my parents came over to watch the kids while I tried to miscarry at home. It was gross and uncomfortable, and it seemed like nothing was happening like it should. After a long day of this, my parents went home and I waited till Monday, when I would have an ultrasound to see if this plan worked.

So this time I was hoping to see nothing in my uterus when the image came up on the screen and this time, again, I didn't see what I wanted. The pills hadn't worked, all the stuff I saw there before was still there. Uugghh, another disappointment. Now there was no choice but surgery. I was scared. And mad. I was already going through the loss of this pregnancy, why the heck wasn't my body doing what it was supposed to and miscarrying naturally?? Why did I have to have surgery on top of all that I was going through??

The surgery was scheduled for a few days later. I remember the day of the surgery, telling myself that I trust God, that even though on one hand I felt hurt and disappointed that He couldn't just make my body miscarry, I also had a deep trust that everything would be ok through this and there must be some sort of reason for it. I played the piano and sang a song called Psalm 23 by Jason Upton that morning, just to calm my nerves and center myself. Then we left for the hospital.

Everything went smoothly, I remember falling asleep before the surgery and I remember waking up after in the post-op room. A sweet nurse, Jamie, was there and she had a bright energy to her. She called Asif in and let us know that we had to stick around for a bit till she was sure that I was ok to leave. So we chatted and learned that she's an aunt and loves her niece and nephew like they're her own kids. We told her about the significance of "J" names in our family and observed how cool it was that she has a "J" name too! We told her about the miscarriage and the whole Jackson story and how we're still believing for Jackson to come someday.

When we finished that part, she came close, leaned over, and showed us her wrist. She said, "Let me tell you, it IS Jackson and you will have him." On her wrist were 3 star tattoos: 2 littler stars and 1 big star. She explained that the 2 smaller ones were for her niece and nephew, but the large one was the one she wanted to show us. It was for her sister's other son, who only lived for about a month before passing away. Guess what his name was? Jackson. She said, "You will have a Jackson!" It was as if somehow the loss her family had experienced was also a message of hope for us. Like in some way the memory of her Jackson could live on through the life of our Jackson. Suddenly it hit me - I didn't want to have this surgery and I felt let down by God, that He didn't just make my body miscarry on its own, but there was a reason for it! We had to meet Jamie, who infused hope in us to continue to believe for our Jackson.